


The Sun's Punishment

by Decoy10



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Blood, Bullying, Child Abuse, Cutting, Depressed Hinata Shouyou, Hallucinations, Hinata has a panic attack, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hospitals, Hurt Hinata Shouyou, Injured Hinata Shouyou, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Trigger warnings in beginning of each chapter, Will Add Tags As They Become Relevant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2020-04-23 22:54:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 67,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19160659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Decoy10/pseuds/Decoy10
Summary: Hinata's father has regularly abused him for almost his entire life, but he doesn't stop it because he believes it is his fault. When the rest of the team notices strange changes in his behavior, what will they do to try and help him? And will he let himself be helped?





	1. A Typical Morning

**Author's Note:**

> This starts before the second set of away games in Tokyo
> 
> Trigger Warning: Implied Abuse, Implied Self Harm, Panic Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata wakes up and follows his typical morning routine, right up until morning practice. But when something happens to break the typicality, will the team find out about his dark secret?

Hinata’s POV

 

My alarm wakes me up and I quickly turn it off. He doesn’t like it when I make too much noise.

 

I walk downstairs to prepare a small breakfast, just a single piece of toast. He doesn’t like it when I take too much of his food.

 

I accidentally bump into the table on my way back to my room and hit one of my bruises, though I don’t cry. He doesn’t like it when I show weakness.

 

I creep upstairs into the bathroom so I can change my dirty bandages and think of how I can hide my injuries. I would use concealer, but he doesn’t like it when I spend money on unnecessary things.

 

I quickly get dressed in my practice clothes, and take my pills out of their hiding space under my bed. He doesn’t like when I take the pills, and honestly I don’t either, but it’s better than the alternative.

 

I rush out the door, making sure to lock it behind me and check it three times before I finally leave. He doesn’t like it when I forget to lock the house up.

 

Finally out of that house I breathe a sigh of relief as I grab my bike to make my way to school for morning practice. I’m glad that I live so far away that I must leave this early to make it on time, because as long as I’m careful like today, I can get out of the house without a beating. I don’t really have the right to complain though, since I deserve everything he does. I’m reminded that sometimes I feel like I deserve even worse when I lean too far into a turn and feel a slight sting on my stomach.

 

I know that I have to hide the truth from everyone, but why did I think the best way to accomplish that is by always smiling and being energetic? It’s exhausting just getting through a single day, and it only gets worse at night. When I ride over a small rock and lose my balance, the side of my bike presses into one of my bruises making me wince in pain. I don’t have to hide anything for these thirty minutes, which is the second best feeling in the world. The best is spiking a volleyball of course, and maybe that’s why I put myself through this exhausting smile and hyper routine. After all, who would want a broken shell of a person on their team?

 

I finish my half hour ride to school and see Kageyama walking towards the gym up ahead of me. I don’t really have the energy for a race today, not to mention I don’t want my injuries getting any worse. After considering my options, I decide that if he notices me lagging behind him it will seem strange, so I quickly lock up my bike getting ready to sprint past him.  As soon as I get past him, he begins running as well, “Hey! No head starts dumbass!” I turn my head back and stick my tongue out at him, but I don’t slow down, which is probably why I trip over my own feet. Kageyama doesn’t even stop to check if I’m okay, he just keeps running as if nothing happened. I don’t blame him after all, I’m not worth helping.

 

I pick myself up and begin slowly walking to the gym, I know at this point I definitely can’t beat Kageyama, so why bother trying? While walking I look myself over to see if the fall made any of my bruises worse. After taking a few steps I realize that I scraped my knee, however the slight pain I feel from that is nothing compared to the ever present ache that my attacks my body every day. After confirming that the bruises are fine, just hurting a little more than usual, I check on the cuts dad made last night, and luckily it seems that I’m fine. Or at least as fine as someone who lets himself get hurt almost every night can be.

 

When I finally get to the gym Kageyama is standing on the top step, smirking at me, “What took you so long? Did you even bother trying after you fell?” I glare at him, one of the few expressions I can still make honestly, and say, “You’re mean Bakageyama! You just left me there! What if I got so hurt I couldn’t play volleyball anymore?” He replied, “Not being able to play from a little fall like that? Asahi’s spike is way worse yet you barely got hurt by it.”

 

He doesn’t hear me mutter, “I’m used to pain.”

 

“You guys are early, as usual.” We both turn and I plaster a huge fake smile on my face as Suga walks over to us to open the gym. “Honestly you two. You do realize you can’t even get in the gym until one of the upperclassmen gets here right?” I can’t tell him the real reason I always get here early, so instead I just say, “But if we get here earlier we can practice more! Even if we have to do it outside!” Kageyama nods his head in agreement, “Although it would be easier if we didn’t have to wait.” I think for a minute and say, “Yeah. Maybe I should learn how to pick the lock.” Suga almost shouts when he says, “Absolutely not! I will not have any of my teammates becoming criminals. At least not until Nishinoya and Tanaka graduate.”

 

We share a laugh, although mine is much more hollow than the others’, but they don’t seem to notice. The three of us walk into the gym to begin setting up for practice, and soon enough everyone else starts coming in. First Daichi arrives, and not long after him come Nishinoya and Tanaka. The next to arrive is Asahi, until a few minutes later when Ennoshita, Narita, and Kinoshita get here. Takeda-sensei only comes in briefly before stepping out for a staff meeting, and as he leaves Yachi and Shimizu show up. To absolutely no one’s surprise, Tsukishima arrives with Yamaguchi at the last minute, only barely making it before morning practice starts.

 

As soon as practice starts I immediately run to Kageyama, “Give me a toss!” but Daichi quickly reminds me that we are focusing on recieves today, with an emphasis on flying receives. I must not have done a good enough job hiding my fear because Nishinoya comes up to me and says, “Come on Shouyou! I know you’re not the best at flying receives so I’ll help you!” As he says this he points at himself with one thumb, and I fake my usual wide smile while exclaiming, “So cool! Thanks Noya-senpai!” I appreciate his help, but being bad at receives isn’t what makes me scared. Last night was one of the rougher nights when my dad cuts up my chest pretty bad, though that just means I need to deal with a little more pain than usual. Well, that and the permanent fear of one of my injuries getting worse or a cut reopening.

 

My first few dives I end up falling on my face, and as strange as it feels to say, I am actually pretty grateful that I don’t land on any of my already existing injuries. This kind of pain is familiar to me, meaning it takes a bit more effort to get up and act like the fall hurts more than it actually does.  Tsukishima laughs at me, “Wow, I never knew you felt that strongly for the floor. Guess I can’t blame you, it’s the only thing that could ever care about you.” He probably doesn’t realize just how much that comment hurts, or how right he is. After he says that my mask starts to crack, the beginnings of tears forming in the corners of my eyes. Before I fully lose myself, I manage to twist my quickly fading smile into an expression of anger and say, “Shut up Tsukishima, at least I can be cared about!” Luckily Diachi comes over to break up the fight before it begins, taking Tsukishima aside while Nishinoya pulls me in another direction to keep the two of us separated.

 

As I continue practicing, I think about what Tsukishima said, and how right he is. I let my dad hurt me like this every night, just accepting that this is the punishment I deserve. While I am lost in my thoughts, I don’t pay attention to what’s going on around me, causing me to end up diving right into Nishinoya as he was showing me the right way to dive. He accidentally kicks me in surprise, so when I feel a sharp pain I know that my efforts have been wasted and one of my cuts has opened. I quickly get up crossing my arms over my stomach, “Ah! Sorry Noya-senpai!” I force out through gritted teeth before I begin walking away, not wanting anyone to see the blood that is surely seeping through my shirt right now. “Captain! I’m going to the bathroom for a minute, I’ll be back soon!” After saying this I quickly run off before anyone can question me.

 

It takes me a few minutes to reach the bathroom, where I finally pull my hands away from my stomach so I can look at the damage. My shirt doesn’t seem to have much blood on it, which is a good sign right? I slowly peel my shirt over my head, careful not to aggravate any other injuries, and  try to avoid paying too much attention to the ugly purple and green spots all over my thin body. Instead I focus on the several thin red lines all over my chest. When I notice that none of them are bleeding I furrow my brow in confusion for a moment before looking further down my torso, where I am surprised to see which wound had opened. “That’s not one of dad’s cuts.” I sigh, and begin cleaning the wound with a wet paper towel. The sweat from practice combined with the rough paper pushing into the injury cause pain to flare up in a sharp stinging sensation.

 

As I’m cleaning, I don’t notice someone else enter the bathroom until they wrap their arm around my shoulder. I instinctively scream and push them away, and feel my breaths getting shorter and more ragged. Nishinoya looks up at me from where I pushed him to the ground, though he doesn’t immediately realize what’s happening. When he does, his eyes widen in panic and he invades the space around me, grabbing my shoulders while shouting, “Shouyou?! Are you okay?!” This just makes me start hyperventilating more, and in between breaths I start chanting, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I collapse on the ground and curl into a ball, covering my ears with my hands and closing my eyes as tight as I can. I know I should be breathing, but no matter how hard I try my lungs just won’t take in air. Why does it hurt so much when I try to breathe?

 

I’m not sure when the first tears start coming. I’m not really sure of anything anymore. It’s dark. I can’t see. I vaguely hear something in the distance, but I can’t make out what it is. That uncertainty just makes me more terrified. Suddenly the noise is gone, but instead of being relieved I want it back. My wish is granted soon enough, but now there is more. Too much noise. I can’t focus on any of it. I’m so confused. My chest hurts. My head hurts. The tears won’t stop and I don’t know what’s causing any of it.

 

Someone, anyone, please help me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to be my first multi-chapter fic as well as the first one that is beta read. My friend SilentLaments helped me out greatly by taking on that role so thank you!  
> I'm not exactly sure about and upload schedule for this, but for the time being I will try for one chapter per week, probably on Sundays. Also most other chapters will probably be longer, especially as this gets further along. These first few are mostly setting stuff up for later.


	2. Senapai, Libero, Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishinoya expected it to be a completely normal morning , but he is left confused when Suga asks him for a strange favor at the beginning of practice. When he realizes the favor isn't so strange after all he begins worrying about his orange haired friend, but it doesn't take long for him to realize he is way out of his league.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Panic Attack, Graphic Description of Injuries, Implied Self Harm, Implied Abuse

Nishinoya’s POV:

 

I happily munch on my soda flavored popsicle as I walk to the gym, depositing the stick in a nearby trash can after I’m done. Anyone who says that a popsicle can’t be a good breakfast has clearly never tried the soda flavor. When I’m almost at the gym, I see Ryuu a little bit ahead of me and jog to catch up. “Ryuu! Wait up man!”

 

When I catch up I pat him on the back and ask, “What are you doing here so early? You’re usually late to morning practice.” He just shrugs and says, “Well my sis was making a racket and woke me up early, so I figured what the hell, guess I can show up on time today.” I laugh and we spend the rest of the short walk to the gym praising our goddess Kiyoko.

 

When we arrive at the gym I see that a few others are already there setting up, so I greet them and begin walking over to Daichi to help him put up the net, but Suga calls me over. When I get to him, he pulls me into a small huddle and whispers, “Nishinoya I need you to do me a favor. Can you keep an eye on Hinata? He seems kinda off today.” My brow furrows in confusion. “Something’s wrong with Shouyou?” Suga shakes his head and replies, “I don’t know if anything is wrong exactly, but when I first got here he was talking with Kageyama and I thought I heard him mutter something about pain. I’ll still watch from a distance of course, but I think he’s more used to you being around him than me.”

 

I think about what he said, but it still seems impossible for anything to be wrong with Shouyou. I mean, even if he mentioned pain it’s clearly not bad enough that he can’t play volleyball. Besides, Suga is clearly more suited to situations like these. “Suga, I’m not sure if-” He cuts me off before I finish speaking, “Plus, I’m pretty sure you’re his favorite senpai.”

 

I’m his favorite senpai? Well then of course I have to watch out for my precious kouhai. “You got it Suga-san! I’m his senpai after all so it’s my job to make sure he is always in perfect condition! But it’s Shouyou! He’s always so happy and energetic that I can’t imagine there being anything wrong.” Suga just shakes his head and replies, “I really hope you’re right. I just can’t help but worry for all of you.” I walk away thinking that Suga would be a great mom someday. Except he’s a guy, so wouldn’t he be a dad? But he acts more like a mom would. Ah well, it’s not really that important, especially now that I have a new mission to protect my kouhai from… something that Suga thinks may or may not actually exist.

 

Practice starts and of course Shouyou immediately runs over to Kageyama to beg for tosses. He seems to be the same as always, so Suga was probably just overreacting to something small, but I did promise to watch over him. When Daichi reminds him that the plan is to practice flying receives, Shouyou’s face changes from a smile into one of pure terror. Yet it switches back so fast that I’m not sure if I just imagined it or not. Maybe Suga wasn’t overreacting after all.

 

I make good on my promise to Suga and walk up to him exclaiming, “Come on Shouyou! I know you’re not the best at flying receives but I’ll help you!” I point at my chest with one thumb, mostly because I know how cool it makes me look. Shouyou seems to agree because he responds with, “So cool! Thanks Noya-senpai!” I get that same proud feeling that always comes with being called senpai, and almost don’t notice the slight downturn of Shouyou’s lips when he turns his head away, clearly thinking that I can’t see his face anymore.

 

I take note of his strange behavior, but shrug it off for now to focus on teaching him the proper way to do flying receives. Even after demonstrating for him several times, he still lands on his face every attempt. Each fall looks like it hurts, and I’m sure he will have some new bruises to flaunt like battle scars by the time we’re done here. Or maybe I’m the only one who does that. Regardless, it is really amazing to see this kid get up with his signature huge smile after every painful fall, and I voice this to him, “You know Shouyou, I think it’s awesome how you can get up and smile even after falling flat on your face so many times! It shows how much passion you have for volleyball!”

 

It looks like he isn’t paying attention, so I get ready to repeat what I said, however Tsukishima comes up and says, “Wow, I never knew you felt that strongly for the floor. Guess I can’t blame you, it’s the only thing that could ever care about you.” I’m stunned speechless by his words. Tsukishima never goes this far with his insults, and it seems that Shouyou is also affected by what he said, if the tears at the corners of his eyes are anything to go by. It takes me a few moments to bring myself back into reality. When I do, Daichi is taking Tsukishima off in one direction, hopefully to scold him. In response, I decide to take Shouyou away from that jerk so I can keep helping him.

 

Obviously Tsukishima went too far with what he said, and Shouyou was clearly upset, but I’m not sure how to handle the situation. Daichi is already taking care of the beanpole, so that leaves me to make Shouyou feel better. Usually I would just shout at Tsukishima, but he’s on the other side of the gym now and I don’t want to leave Shouyou when I almost saw the rare event of him crying. As I stand around trying to think of what I might be able to do to help him feel better, I notice Suga making weird hand gestures at me. All I can really tell is that he wants me to stay with Shouyou, but I was planning on that anyways. Or maybe Suga means that just being near him will help him? Well I am his favorite senpai after all!

 

Those few moments of doubt are my biggest failure as a senpai to date! Thinking things through isn’t my style, I should just be myself and keep helping Shouyou practice in the loudest way possible. I should also yell at Tsukishima, but I can do that later. The best thing for me to do right now is focus on Shouyou. I continue helping him, being loud and energetic all the while, but it doesn't seem like my energy is enough to break through whatever he's thinking about. As we reach the halfway point of practice, Shouyou is so out of it that he accidentally dives on top of me, startling me into kicking him. I immediately jump up to apologize and see him clutching his stomach, but he doesn't look like he hurts as much as I would expect. Before I get a chance to properly apologize he rushes off to the bathroom, presumably to take care of his stomach.

 

Daichi comes up to me right after Shouyou exits the gym and asks, "What happened Nishinoya? Is Hinata alright?" I shrug and say, "I think Tsukishima's comment was getting to him more than usual. It seemed like he wasn't really paying attention to practice because he dove into me and accidentally kicked him." Daichi nods along as he listens to my explanation and responds, "I already told Tsukishima that he went too far with what he said, but I'll make sure he apologizes properly later. In the meantime could you go check up on Hinata? We can't have our greatest decoy getting seriously hurt. And you know he would try to brush it off so he can keep playing." Well that's certainly true, although I can't say that I wouldn’t do the same.

 

With a quick nod of my head and a “You can count on me!’ to Daichi, I rush off towards the bathroom, and since I don’t see Shouyou ahead of me I figure he must already be there. I break into a brisk jog, knowing that I should probably get there quickly to help him with whatever hurts. Although it’s just now that I realize he got kicked in the stomach, so why would he need to go to the bathroom? Wouldn’t the infirmary make more sense? Pushing those thoughts aside, I instead plan how I’m going to apologize for kicking him.  I figure the best way is to act like it wasn't a big deal that he dove on me, and take the blame to help ease his mind since I'm sure he still feels bad about what that glasses jerk said.

 

It takes two minutes for me to get to the bathroom, and when I arrive I see Shouyou standing in front of the mirror with his shirt off and hands on his stomach. I quickly walk over to him and throw my arm around his shoulder with a smile, but before I can say anything he screams and roughly shoves me, making me land painfully on my rear. After taking a second to collect myself I look up, confused when I see Shouyou shaking and looking around frantically. I spring up from my seat on the floor and immediately rush to him, laying my hands on his shoulders as I loudly ask, "Shouyou?! Are you okay?!” This was clearly the wrong thing to do because no sooner do I get the words out than he collapses into a ball on the floor with his hands over his ears. "Hey! Shouyou answer me! What's wrong?!" I keep calling out to him but all he responds with is "I'm sorry." Over and over and over he repeats those two words, and it looks like no matter what I do he doesn't even realize that I'm here.

 

It doesn’t take long for me to realize that I have no clue what to do here, so I decide to sprint back to the gym and get the others to help. I only make it about halfway when I see the rest of the team coming towards me. As soon as we all meet up Asahi says, “Nishinoya what’s going on? We heard a scream.” Asahi looks extremely pale, likely because he is worried, but I don’t have time to deal with that so I yell,  “Something’s wrong with Shouyou! He’s shaking and crying and it looks like he can’t breathe!” Suga and Daichi exchange worried looks and Daichi says, “Alright, I want all of you to go back to the gym and continue practice, Suga and I will deal with Hinata. I also want Keagyama and Asahi to come with us.”

 

The five of us start heading to the bathroom while the rest of the team heads back to the gym to follow Daichi’s orders, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that everyone is way too tense to continue practice.

 

While we run to Shouyou, Kageyama asks me to explain more about what happened, and I tell them, “When I first got to the bathroom, I noticed he was just standing in front of the mirror doing something with his hands on his stomach. I didn’t really pay attention to that though because I needed to apologize for kicking him.” Kageyama interrupts me and says, “You don’t need to apologize. It was the idiot’s fault.” Suga chops him in the stomach and I continue my explanation. “Anyways, when I saw him standing there I went up to him and put my arm over his shoulder, but he immediately screamed and pushed me to the floor.” As I finish this sentence we arrive at the bathroom to see Shouyou exactly as I left him, shaking uncontrollably in a ball on the floor, although he is no longer apologizing for whatever it is he thinks he did. “Soon enough he ended up like this and I went to get you guys.”

 

They all take a closer look at him, and Asahi fidgets and says, “Um, guys. I’m not sure I can be much help here. I’m kind of uncomfortable around blood.” I’m pretty confused by this statement because I don’t remember seeing any blood before, but I take a closer look and sure enough, there is a small stream seeping out of his stomach. I panic when I see the bleeding and shout, “Oh my god! I kicked him so hard he’s bleeding!” I continue freaking out and Asahi tries to convince Daichi to let him leave, all while Suga is speaking over my loud panic to calm me down and Daichi is arguing with Asahi about how he needs to man up. None of us notice Kageyama slowly make his way to Shouyou and crouch down next to him, but when he starts speaking softly we all stop what we’re doing and pay attention.

 

“Oi, Hinata. What’s wrong?” Kageyama didn’t say much, but for the first time since this started Shouyou uncurls and turns his head towards Kageyama. His breathing is still coming in random spurts, and he hasn’t stopped crying, but he finally moved and I breathe a sigh of relief. I begin moving over to him, but Suga holds me back while Kageyama continues speaking. “I’m not sure if you can hear me, but you need to calm down. Nothing bad is happening to you and you’re with your teammates.” Shouyou seems to respond well to this and his breathing begins to even out slightly. He isn’t shaking as much anymore, so Kageyama continues by saying, “I’m going to grab your arm now okay? And when I do I’m going to place it on my chest so you can follow my breathing.” He does exactly what he described, and although Shouyou resists his arm being grabbed a bit, he eventually lets Kageyama do what he wants. Within a few minutes Shouyou’s breathing has gone completely back to normal, and he pulls his hand away from Kageyama before yawning and mumbling, “Sorry guys, I’m kinda tired now.” Within a few seconds his eyes close, and the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest signals that he has fallen asleep.

 

Now that everything has calmed down and Asahi managed not to faint, I turn to Kageyama and ask, “How did you do that? Everything I tried just made it worse.” He stands up from where he had been crouching next to Shouyou and replies, “You all know about how my team rejected me in junior high, right? Well that caused me to have a lot of anxiety issues and slight depression. On really bad days I would sometimes get anxiety attacks, so I ended up learning how to deal with them. Although I never got any that were this bad.”

 

I nod along as he explains until he gets to the end, at which point I gasp and exclaim, “Shouyou had an anxiety attack?!” Suga is quick to shush me and whispers, “Speak quieter Nishinoya, we don’t want to wake him up. And technically I believe this was a panic attack, not an anxiety attack. It was likely triggered when you surprised him.”

 

It takes a few seconds for his words to sink in, but when they do they hit me like a truck. Was this whole thing my fault? What kind of senpai makes his kouhai go through something this painful? Daichi notices my sullen expression and is quick to say, “Don’t look so upset. It’s true that you likely set it off, but panic attacks don’t usually happen just from being surprised. I’m willing to bet that there was something else going on that Hinata hasn’t told us about.” He sighs as he glances at Shouyou’s sleeping form. “And I think it might have something to do with all those bruises and cuts all over him.”

 

I look at the small boy once more and can’t comprehend how I didn’t notice the alarming amount of dark spots covering his body, accompanied by several groups of thin red and white lines all along his arms and torso. Some are straight and neat, others curving all over, as if someone had tried to carve something into his skin. There is some dried blood on his stomach, presumably from the injury he was tending earlier, and closer inspection of his body reveals even more bruises and marks peeking out above the waistband of his shorts and all over his back. Looking even closer I also see that he is much thinner than I would expect for someone of his age. Bones aren’t poking out or anything, but it doesn’t seem like it would take long before they are. His entire body is one large mess of colors, red and blue, green and purple - all coming together into what could be called a grotesque piece of art. It’s something that doesn’t belong in this world, and it definitely does _not_ belong on the boy who so closely resembles the bright happiness of the sun.

 

Kageyama and Asahi are silent as we all take in the sight in front of us. Shouyou is just sleeping, but if I hadn’t seen him fall asleep with my own eyes it wouldn’t be unlikely for me to think he was dead. I speak up, but my voice wavers with uncertainty. “He’s fine right? Those are just volleyball injuries. Nothing is wrong with Shouyou?” My last sentence comes out as a question even though I don’t intend it, and Suga begins tearing up and buries his face into Daichi’s shoulder while Daichi reassuringly rubs his back.

 

Daichi is the next to speak up, “Kageyama, could you go back to the gym and let the others know what happened. I think it would be best if you left out the details about how many injuries he has though.” Kageyama nods and turns to walk away, but his movements are stiff, almost like he is unsure of what he is doing. By this point Suga has calmed down and says, “I think I’ll go with him. This is just a bit too much for me right now.” I understand how he feels, and so does Daichi if the nod he gives is anything to go by.

 

With our group two people smaller, Asahi finally speaks, “I think we had better take him to the infirmary, but first we should put his shirt back on. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable by having the nurse ask questions we can’t answer.” There is a murmur of agreement from Daichi and me, and after putting his shirt back on, Shouyou is picked up by Asahi so we can take him to get help. After comfortably situating Shouyou over his back, Asahi comments, “He’s really light. I know he’s small but I would’ve expected a bit more muscle on him from volleyball.” This makes me wonder if maybe he isn’t eating enough, although he always seems to scarf down meat buns after practice just fine, so he has a healthy appetite.

 

When we enter the main building, I see that the halls are completely empty, and look at a nearby clock on the wall. I am surprised to see the thirty minutes have gone by since I first left Shouyou to get the team, which means that morning practice ended and classes have just begun. I was so focused on helping Shouyou that I must not have noticed. I briefly wonder if Kageyama and Suga will notice before getting to the gym, but abandon that train of thought to focus solely on my injured friend. When we do arrive at the infirmary, Asahi lays Shouyou down on a bed and gives a brief explanation to the nurse before stepping out. Daichi calls for me to leave as well, but I want to stay and be here for Shouyou when he wakes up.

 

I have plenty of questions I want to ask him about those injuries, but Daichi puts on his menacing aura and says, “Nishinoya, your grades aren’t good enough to wait here, and I’m not about to let you terrorize Hinata with questions the second he wakes up either.” With my plan totally foiled, I give up and begin walking to class, but not without getting a note from the nurse so I don’t get in trouble with my teacher. On the way, I think about Shouyou and how I can help him. After all, I’m his senpai, libero, and friend, so it’s my job to guard his back and support him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is chapter two! I promised longer chapters and managed to get this out. I was super worried that I wouldn't be able to post this on time because I procrastinated a lot more than I meant to. But it all worked out in the end. Also I'm not really sure how I want to handle character POV for this fic, I might go back and forth between Hinata and Noya, or just do whichever character feels right. If you have a preference let me know!
> 
> Once again, many thanks to SilentLaments for beta reading this chapter, and for those of you who like My Hero Academia he is working on a big three fic for that. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and look forward to the next one!


	3. Reason For Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata wakes up confused in the infirmary, and after hearing about what happened he is worried about what his friends know. When they confront him about his panic attack, he answers their questions until they begin hitting too close to the truth. He makes it home and eventually reveals the reason he feels that he deserves punishment, but does he really deserve it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentioned Panic Attack, Abuse, Self-Harm, Cutting

Hinata's POV:

 

I groggily open my eyes and sit up, hearing a creak from the old bed I was laying on. Taking a look around the room I wonder why I'm in the infirmary. I quickly run through the events of the morning in my head: got out of the house, biked to school, went to morning practice, got kicked by Nishinoya. That last one maybe? But I wouldn't want to risk anyone finding out about my injuries so I normally just take care of them by myself. I continue trying to figure out what happened, but everything from that point on is fuzzy.

 

I get my answer soon enough when the nurse notices I'm awake, but it isn't one I want to hear. "Ah, Hinata-kun. I'm glad to see you're awake. Your friends brought you in this morning. Apparently you had a panic attack." I try to respond but my voice gets caught in my throat. If the team saw me have a panic attack then they might be able to figure out what's happening, and that can't happen no matter what. I eventually manage to speak, but I can't stop myself from stuttering in surprise. "A-a p-panic attack? Th-th-that's weird. I don't think I've ever had one before."

 

The nurse scrutinizes me for a minute before saying, “Well from what I heard it was quite concerning for your friends. Many of them actually came by during their lunch period to check and see if you were alright. I let them know you just needed some rest, and I also notified your teachers that you would be out for the rest of the day.” This bit of info shocks me. “It’s already past lunch?” I ask, and the nurse replies, “Yes, actually. The final bell should be ringing within ten minutes.” I groan at this, not only have I royally screwed up in front of the team, but I’ve also missed an entire day of school. This will earn me a worse beating from dad, but I deserve to be punished anyways. It will just help me get a little closer to atonement.

 

I hear a chuckle and look over to see the nurse sporting a small smile. “Well if you’re feeling better now you don’t have to stay, although I would recommend you take it easy for the day. Try not to overexert yourself.” I nod and get up from the bed I was sitting on, stretching out my body that had grown stiff from extended sleep. I thank her for taking care of me, and leave the infirmary. There isn’t much point in going to class when there’s only a few minutes left, so I think about how I am going to lie to the team so they don’t get worried and investigate on their own. This isn’t the first time people have seen glimpses of my life, and I’ve learned that it is better to make sure they hear the ‘truth’ from me. At least that way I can control what little info they find out.

 

I walk to the club room, and by the time I arrive the final bell has already rung. I’m still the first one there, which isn’t much of a surprise, but it works to my advantage since I can change without anyone seeing me. I put on my practice clothes and leave the club room to go to the gym, but when I open the door I run into Kageyama and we both fall over. “Ouch. Watch where you’re going Kageyama!” I expect him to get mad, but all he says is, “Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.” I get up and look at him before asking, “Are you okay Kageyama? Normally you would yell at me.” He pointedly avoids my gaze when he says, “I’m fine, you were just right. I should’ve paid more attention.” He pushes past me into the club room and I shrug off his weird behavior while I walk to the gym.

 

As I wait for everyone else to arrive for practice, I finish perfecting the story I will tell the team about my panic attack. By the time I have decided what I want to say, the rest of the team is walking in for practice. Takeda-sensei and coach Ukai haven’t arrived yet, but that just makes me hopeful that I won’t have to explain anything to them. I also hope that not everyone knows about the incident, and I will only have to explain myself to a few people. As soon as Nishinoya notices me he runs over and bows low while exclaiming, “I’m so sorry Shouyou! I didn’t mean to kick you and it was my fault you had a panic attack!" I internally scream in frustration, if anybody didn’t already know what happened then they do now. I put my hands up and try to use a reassuring voice when I say, “It’s fine Nishinoya-san. It really didn’t hurt that much. Although I’m guessing you want to know what the panic attack was about, right?” He nods vigorously and I open my mouth to explain, but before I get any words out Daichi come over and requests, “Hold on, could you actually wait until the end of practice to explain. I’m sure the rest of the team as well as coach will want to hear.”

 

I give a thumbs up and a big smile in confirmation, although the dread inside is making my stomach churn, and begin walking towards Kageyama to practice spikes. I don’t get very far however, because Daichi grabs me by the shoulder and says, “Don’t even think about it Hinata. I knew you would try to practice no matter how you felt, so I asked the nurse if you would be fine for this afternoon. You need to rest on the bench for today.” I whine out a complaint in reply, but all my will to argue disappears as soon as his scary face comes out. Quickly, I stutter out an agreement and dejectedly move over to the bench where Yachi is sitting. I don’t pay her much attention at first, volleyball is the one thing I love in this world after all. It hurts being forced to watch others play when I have to just sit on the sidelines, and I can’t even leave because I need to explain the events of this morning.

 

“..nata… ey.. Hinata. Hinata are you listening?” I turn my head to the side and see Yachi looking at me expectantly. “Ah, sorry Yachi-san, what did you say?” She shuffles her feet a bit and says, “I was just wondering if you wanted to help Kiyoko-san and me with manager duties for the day since you have to sit out of practice.” Right after she says this her bad habit of getting flustered kicks in and she quickly adds, “Although you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I mean, who would want to do the boring manager work instead of playing, right? Oh and I just keep reminding you that you have to sit out and you probably want to spike a volleyball at my face now!” At this point she is nearly in tears and I speak up before she continues rambling, “That sounds great Yachi-san! I’d love to help out. Anything is better than sitting here doing nothing.”

 

Truth be told I would rather wallow in my misery, but the Hinata that she knows is one who is always willing to help his friends. I get up and follow her over to Shimizu, and after a quick greeting I am tasked with filling water bottles and keeping notes on everyone’s improvements. Although I really didn’t want to do this, I have at least earned a newfound respect for all the hard work our managers do for us.

 

By the time a water break comes around, I just want some time alone so I go to sit on the steps outside the gym. I glance around to see if anyone else is nearby, and let my mask fall when I see that the rest of the team stayed inside. Times like these are when it is hardest to keep up the charade, and it isn’t unusual for me to need a break every now and then. While I sit I think back on the times that others have come close to figuring out what my dad does, and how I have had to cut people out of my life so that they never do. Everything would be so much easier if I hadn’t messed up those eleven years ago.

 

Before I can walk any further down memory lane, I am alerted to the sound of footsteps rapidly approaching. I wipe my face to clear any tears that may have formed, and get ready to face whoever is coming. I am a bit surprised when I see that it is not one of my teammates, but rather Takeda-sensei running towards the gym from the main building.  He is clearly out of breath, but he still speaks to me, “Ah, Hinata-kun. How are you? I heard that this morning was a little rough.” I am not happy to hear that he already knows about what happened, but I’m not really surprised either. “I’m fine Takeda-sensei! The team was taking a water break so I came out here to cool off.” He looks at me like he wants to say something, probably about how I’m not sweaty like I would be if I had been practicing, or how unusual it is for me to be alone.

 

Eventually he gives me a gentle smile and settles on saying, “If you’re not comfortable talking with the team, I’m sure they’d understand. I just want you to know that we’re always here when you are ready.” Well that was unexpected, the last time this happened my friends demanded explanations right away. After he says this he walks away, leaving me to sort out my options. He said the team would be willing to wait, but he isn’t them so how could he really know? If they don’t need an explanation right now, that would be better for me, but on the other hand if I don’t talk to them they might seek out information on their own. All these thoughts and more keep circling around in my head until I hear Daichi call for the water break to end.

 

When I go back inside practice continues much the same way as usual, with the exception of me of course. I’m still mulling over what Takeda-sensei told me when practice ends, leaving me with very little time to make my decision. While the team is cleaning up, I beckon Suga over to ask him something. He must notice my nervous fidgeting because he talks before I get a chance to. “Are you feeling nervous about talking to the team?” I’m not surprised that Suga managed to figure that out, he’s always been extra attentive to the well being of his teammates. I nod and say, “Um, do you think the team would be upset if I only told some of you? There are just some things that I don’t want everyone knowing.” Suga gives me a smile and replies, “Of course that’s fine. Who did you want to tell?” I take a moment to think and answer, “Just the people who saw my attack.” After assuring me that he will make sure those few stay after practice he goes to finish cleaning up.

 

After our equipment is put away we all sit down to listen to coach brief us on what we still need to work on. After that, Takeda-sensei steps up and says, “So I’m sure I don’t need to remind you all, but we have another week long training camp in Tokyo next week, We will be leaving early on Sunday, so make sure you get here on time. It's a long ride to Tokyo and we won't be able to wait long for anyone who shows up late."

 

With that, the team treks to the club room to get changed and go home, but some people linger longer than others. I deduce that these are the ones who saw me earlier, and I am surprised to see that Kageyama and Asahi stayed behind. Though this does explain why Kageyama acted so strangely towards me earlier. Suga takes a look around the room, and once satisfied he closes the door to the club room and locks it. I am thankful for the privacy, and I begin preparing myself to speak. It will be difficult to keep acting 'normal' during this conversation, but I don't have a choice.

 

Everyone in the room looks at me expectantly and I take a deep breath before starting, “So, uh. I guess you all saw what happened this morning.” Kageyama opens his mouth to speak but is quickly shushed by Daichi, so I continue, “Well first of all I want to say that you guys don’t have to worry about me. I don’t get panic attacks very often, actually I haven’t had one before this since my first year of middle school.” That’s a lie, and although I’ve never been good at lying they seem to believe it. “And the reason I had one today was because of something that happened when I was a kid. I was walking home one day when this man came up behind me and tried to talk to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder like you did Noya-senpai, so it made me think of that.” I look around the room, hoping that’s enough of an explanation, but when nobody says anything I finish my previous statement, “Nothing bad ended up happening though. My dad came over and stopped him before he did anything, but I still get creeped out by it sometimes.”

 

There are a few tense moments of silence before Kageyama finally speaks up, “Well that answers our questions about your panic attack, but what about all those injuries you had.” Those words hit me like a truck and it takes me a minute to remember how to breathe. They saw the injuries. I didn’t even think about what would happen if they saw because I was so focused on making sure they would believe my story about the panic attack. “Hinata? Is there anything you’d like to tell us? Maybe about your situation at home.” Daichi asks in an authoritative voice. Just when I thought this situation couldn’t possibly get any worse, it seems like he might have suspicions about what is going on when I’m at the house. I strain myself to put a smile on my face, hoping it doesn’t look as fake as it feels, and reply, ” Oh, those injuries? Uh, well I have a small backyard. So when I practice at home I run into the walls of my house a lot. And we have, um, rose bushes. I dive into them all the time and get cuts all over. Yeah, so nothing bad is happening. I just thought you might make me stop playing if you saw, so I hid them.” The looks I get in response show me that no one believes this particular lie.

 

Suga is the next to talk, and he does so in a very calm and reassuring voice, “Hinata, you know that if you’re having any problems you can talk to us right? We’ll help you with whatever you need.” No, no, no. This can’t be happening, I finally thought I was going to be able to play volleyball with no problems. They can’t find out, they’ll kick me off the team. Suddenly this room feels a little too small and I want to get out. I _need_ to get out. “I’m fine Suga-san. Can you please open the door now?” He hesitates, but when it becomes clear that I will not be saying anything else he unlocks the door. I rush to leave, but just before I get out I hear Kageyama say, “It’s easier to talk about it. I hope you can trust us enough to do that soon.” I don’t look back at him, and instead sprint away as fast as I can. I reach my bike and unlock it, hopping on so I can ride home, when I hear a loud voice from behind me. I sneak a peak and see Nishinoya chasing after me, probably mad that I left before he got the answers he wanted. I don’t want to deal with that right now so I pretend that I don’t hear him and bike away.

 

The ride home takes less time than usual because I pedaled away all my anxiety from earlier, so it is still light out when I arrive. I place my bike in its usual spot in the yard and steel myself before unlocking the door. I step in and call out, “I’m home!” before taking off my shoes and depositing my bag in my room. I go into the kitchen and see my dad waiting for me, and when his eyes meet mine he glares and says, “You were a bit slow putting your things away.” I tear my eyes away from his and stare at the ground. “Make dinner, and be quick about. We’ll have some quality bonding time later.” Bonding time. That’s what he’s called it for as long as I can remember. The time where my body becomes even more disturbing than it already is. I don’t feel any special bond with him, but it does make think of the person I could’ve had a bond with.

 

I do as he asks and make dinner, and although I see the ingredients for my favorite, raw egg on rice, I know better than to do something selfish like make what I want to eat. We always eat at the table so he can ask me about my day. Most families do this to try and express interest in each others’ lives. Mine does it to see how much I need to be punished on any given day. “So I got a call from your school earlier. They said you ended up in the infirmary and missed an entire day of classes.” I was hoping the school hadn’t called about that, but I knew deep down that they would. “Um yeah. I-” He cuts me off before I can even finish a sentence. “Do you really think someone as stupid as you can afford to miss any time at school?” He’s right of course. I really am pretty stupid. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you know never to miss a day of school again.”

 

The rest of dinner goes on in similar fashion, him finding something I need to punished for, and me agreeing completely. The only thing I don’t tell him about is when my friends saw my panic attack. They don’t deserve to be mixed up in this, and I certainly don’t want him to take any action towards them. When we finish eating, I get up to wash the dishes and he says, “Meet me in the living room when you’re done.” I take my time washing the dishes, knowing full well that it will get him impatient and get me the worse punishment that I deserve.

 

With the dishes finally clean and put away, I walk into the living room and immediately feel my face get smashed against the wall. My head is released from his grip and my body slides down the wall until I am crumpled on the floor. He then proceeds to kick me repeatedly, somehow managing to neve hit the same spot twice. I keep careful count of how many times he attacks and where each blow lands, storing that information away for later use. He stomps on my leg and the pain I feel is much greater than anything else so far. It is enough to make me start struggling a bit, but when he says, ”I wonder how she would react to this.” I remember exactly why I let him do this and all the will to resist fades from my body.

 

When he is satisfied with how much he has kicked me, he picks me up by one arm in a grip so tight it goes numb. He drags me over to the couch and throws my body over the back, pressing my face into the cushions. It doesn’t hurt so much, but it restricts my ability to breathe and is definitely uncomfortable. Next he tears my shirt until it falls off of me, I liked that one, but it is just another form of punishment I will have to deal with. He steps away for a moment, but I don't try to move away. I know what’s coming when I hear the sound of metal dragging along our wooden end table.

 

I take the risk of glancing back to see the knife he always uses, still covered in dried blood from last night. He rarely cleans the blade, so it isn’t uncommon for me to end up with infections after he finishes tormenting me. He begins by slowly dragging it down my spine, not giving enough pressure to break skin, but making sure I know that he is in control. The first cut is swift, a thin line from one shoulder blade to the other, and the flakes of dried blood left behind by the knife only make the stinging worse. After that they get longer and deeper, reaching a point where it is impossible to find my skin under the sea of crimson that coats it.

 

He flips me over, and I make sure to keep my back arched above the couch so that as little blood as possible gets on it. The last time I got blood on the furniture he made me pay for it by breaking an arm and a leg. That was when I was eight, three years after my mistake. He surveys my injuries and the prideful grin he sports would be disturbing to anyone who hadn’t seen it a hundred times before. He sneers at me and says, “I see you still haven’t given up that little ritual of yours after our bonding time. And it looks like you even let one of your cuts open up again. Is that why you had to miss school? Poor little baby Shouyou can’t handle a small little thing like that?” I bite my tongue to keep myself from retorting, because that would give away how my friends are involved. He proceeds to drag the knife over the existing wounds, and the pain nearly makes me black out, but I manage to keep my head.

 

When he is done cutting up my body, he pulls me over to the full length mirror we have nearby. I know this is always his favorite part, he enjoys hurting me, but the mental torture is what hurts the most, especially because I know everything he says is true. ”Look at that disgusting body. How anyone could ever want to even be within five feet of you will always be a mystery. You’re so lucky that I’m such a great dad who won’t ever abandon you.” I certainly don’t feel lucky at times like these, but I know he’s almost done so I bear with it. “Maybe you could convince _some_ people that you’re not complete trash, but they still wouldn’t want to help you. Hell, you don’t even want help. You only have yourself to blame for everything I do to you, and you know it.”  When he finally lets me go he orders me to take a shower to clean up “That disgusting pile of flesh you call a body.”

 

Due to my new leg injury, I have to limp in order to move, which means I definitely won’t be able to practice tomorrow. When I get to the bathroom I lock the door and take off my clothes, folding them neatly and leaving them by the door. I start the shower and step in, not waiting for it to change temperature because I know he won’t like it if I take too long. While I rinse off the blood I go over my mental count of wounds. One face injury, thirty two kicks, one stomp, forty new cuts on my back, and reopening the thirty seven on my stomach and chest - overall, one hundred and eleven injuries. That’s just short of my personal cut off of one hundred and fifteen, so I sigh and dig through the medicine cabinet until I find a thin piece of cold metal.

 

I look over my body to find a relatively clean area, and eventually settle on my inner thigh. I usually don’t like to cut in areas that could be lethal, but there aren’t really any other options. I brace myself as I drag the razor along my skin, barely pushing enough to reveal small droplets of blood. This has never been something I enjoyed, but it is just another part of my punishment. When he isn’t thorough enough I have to make sure that I finish the job. I press a little harder next time, and am greeted with steady line of red. I count out loud with each stroke, and when I get to thirteen I finally stop and say, “Thirteen. One for each year she should have had by now.” I then look for another spot, and although there are already some injuries there, I decide that my left bicep is mostly clear. I begin again, counting off once more until I reach eleven. “And that’s eleven, one for each year I stole from her.” I sigh and finish cleaning up, making sure there isn’t any blood left on the floor of the shower before turning it off and rushing into my room.

 

When I get to my room, I close the door, but my dad removed the lock years ago, so I don’t really feel safe. I go over to my desk and sit down before opening a drawer and pulling out a family picture from when I was only two. I look at it with a sad smile and see a happy couple holding two small children. One of them is obviously me, and the other is my younger sister Natsu. The picture is of the day we brought her back from the hospital, and is one of the last happy memories I have of this family. Before going to bed, I take one last look and put it away while saying, “Good night Natsu.” My voice wavers as I close my eyes. “I’m sorry for killing you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel so bad for what I am doing to this poor child. After writing this chapter I spent like ten minutes just walking around my house freaking out about what I had just wrote.
> 
> Once again many thanks to SilentLaments for betaing this for me, and working with my crazy writing schedule to make sure I can get these chapters out every Sunday.
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed (even though I am torturing the sunshine child) and I'll see you again next week!


	4. A Setter's Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Hinata exits the club room, Kageyama and the others discuss what they can do to help him. When Nishinoya points out how worried Kageyama is about the short spiker, he begins to wonder if volleyball really is the only thing he cares about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings this time since we have a pretty tame chapter.

Kageyama’s POV:

 

When Hinata exits the cub room Nishinoya wastes no time in stomping over to Suga, grabbing his shirt and yelling, “What the hell is wrong with you Suga-san?! Shouyou obviously needs us and you just let him walk out like that!” Asahi puts a hand on his shoulder, but Nishinoya roughly pulls away and exclaims, “I can’t believe the rest of you aren’t mad about this! I’m going after him, since apparently I’m the only one who actually cares enough to help him!” He moves to the door, casting a glare at everyone in the room before slamming it shut behind him. He follows through on his word and we hear his loud voice and pounding footsteps fade as he runs further away from the building.

 

Daichi looks over at Suga and asks, “Are you alright?” Suga hums and nods before saying, “Yeah, I’m fine. I understand why he’s mad, but I feel like pressing much harder than we were would’ve made Hinata close up even more.” Asahi chimes in, contributing his own thoughts on the matter. “I agree, although Nishinoya is probably more concerned with how to solve Hinata’s problems as quickly as possible. I’m guessing that he isn’t even thinking about how Hinata will feel about his overbearing attitude.” I do understand their thought process, but for some reason I really don’t want to let Hinata go, so I finally speak up, “Shouldn’t we go after them? I mean, I understand why you want to let Hinata go, but I have to say that I agree with Nishinoya-san. I think it would be better to at least show Hinata we want to help.” Daichi shakes his head and responds, “No, I think it would be best if we leave them be. With the way Hinata just reacted to us asking questions it seems like he is trying desperately to hide something. If we pry too much we could make him lose trust in all of us and get rid of any chance we have for him to talk to us.”

 

Asahi nods along as Daichi speaks and adds, “I agree with Daichi. Plus, as fast as Nishinoya is I don’t think he’ll be able to catch up to Hinata, especially once he reaches his bike.” Asahi’s prediction is revealed to be accurate a few moments later when Nishinoya reenters the room, much more subdued than when he left. “I couldn’t catch him. I know he heard me shouting for him, but he just ignored me and rode away.” Asahi offers him a small smile and says, “Don’t be so upset about it. He probably wouldn’t have listened even if you had caught him.” This does little to improve Nishinoya’s mood, but he does offer a word of thanks for the attempt. Suga claps his hands together and joins the conversation. “Alright guys, no need to be so mopey. Or I could just give you all a chop if you prefer?” Asahi’s face pales visibly and it is clear that he would do anything Suga asks in order to avoid that fate. Suga looks at our ace and continues, “Glad to see we’re all in agreement then. Now, why don’t we all talk about what we can do for Hinata from this point on.”

 

Nishinoya visibly perks up at this and asks, “You mean we aren’t just going to leave it like this?” Daichi answers, “Of course not. Hinata is an important part of the team-we would never abandon a fellow crow in need.” Nishinoya whoops and throws an arm in the air, prompting smiles from everyone else here, but I speak up. “But, can we do anything for him?” They all look surprised at my question and Nishinoya pretends to tear up and exclaims, “Our little Kageyama showing concern for something other than volleyball. They grow up so fast.” I blush a little at his comment and retort, “Shut up. I only want to help so that he can still play. The team needs our quicks to win.” That’s right, I’m only concerned about his volleyball skills. I definitely don’t care about that dumbass’s safety.

 

My statement causes Asahi to ask, “Actually, that raises a good point. With all those injuries he has already, should he even be playing right now?” The slight positive energy that was flowing through the room dissipates immediately at that statement. Even if we ignore his personal problems, Hinata loves volleyball more than anything. Trying to stop him from stepping on the court would probably crush him. An uncomfortable silence falls over the room until Suga looks down and breaks it. “Well, it doesn’t seem safe to let him play like that. It already ended up getting him hurt this morning. As much as it pains me to say, I think we have to restrict Hinata’s time on the court.” 

 

I raise my voice a little louder than intended when I say, “But we need him. If it doesn’t hurt then he should be fine to play.” Daichi sighs and answers in as calm a voice as he can muster. “It’s not that simple Kageyama. First of all we don’t know much about his situation to begin with, and he clearly doesn’t want to tell us anything. Also if he doesn’t give the injuries proper time to heal they could get worse. Even if they don’t hurt now they could become a big problem in the future.” I see the truth of his words, but for some reason I  _ really _ don’t want Hinata to have to leave the court. It just doesn’t feel right to think of me standing there without him.

 

We continue speaking for a few more hours, but in the end we don’t have any more idea of how to help than when we started. I don’t even notice how late it’s gotten until Asahi says, “I think we should discuss this more some other time, I need to be home soon or my parents will start to worry.” Nishinoya roughly pats him on the back and says, “Come on man. No parents should have to be concerned about someone in their third year of high school being out late.” Despite the tense situation Daichi can’t contain his laughter at Nishinoya’s words, and I find myself confused since he didn’t say anything funny- just an observation that I quite frankly agree with. After taking a minute to compose himself, Daichi says, “He has a point Asahi, but then again so do you. Let’s wrap this up for today and talk more another time. And be careful around Hinata, I don’t want him to think we’re trying to force him to share anything.” He gives a pointed glare at Nishinoya as he finishes his statement, and we all get ready to leave. I am a bit slowed down by the thoughts running through my head, and by the time I walk out the door, everyone else is already gone.

 

As I reach the bottom of the stairs I am suddenly pulled to the side and yelp in surprise, but a small hand covers my mouth and I hear a “Shhh!” I turn to glare at my attacker and ask, “What do you want Nishinoya-san?” He puts his hands up in defense and answers, “No need to be so aggressive, I just wanted to ask you for help with something.” His idea of asking someone for help is to pull them into a dark, secluded area with no warning? I’m beginning to wonder if maybe Asahi had more than one reason for leaving the club. While making no effort to drop my glare, I ask, “And what exactly is it that you want my help with?” He looks around the area for a moment before replying, “I want to go to Shouyou’s house and see if he’s really okay.” I would like to say I am surprised by this information, but it definitely seems like something that he would do.

 

I sigh and say, “Did you not hear the captain say to leave Hinata alone? Are you really willing to risk the captain’s wrath?” He does waver a bit at my question, but when he replies, his eyes are focused and filled with determination. “Daichi only said to be careful around Shouyou, and he also mentioned that he thinks something might be wrong at home. I’m sure you noticed how flustered he got after Daichi asked him about that.” Well he does have a point there, and it is pretty unusual to see Hinata panic so badly. Not to mention that I don’t think I’ve ever seen him try to lie before. “So Hinata was acting strangely after being asked a question that made him uncomfortable. Frankly I’m surprised he wasn’t like that the whole time.” Nishinoya’s eyes become very intense, much like they become when he’s in the middle of a game. “The bottom line is that Shouyou needs help, and if Daichi isn’t willing to do whatever it takes to protect him, then I will. I don’t deserve to be called a libero if I let him scare me away from helping my teammate.”

 

I can tell there’s no talking him out of this, and the fact that he has actually thought this through somewhat has me actually agreeing with most of what he says. Hinata does need help, that much is clear, but there’s one thing that confuses me. “I get why you’re doing this, but why do you want my help?” He looks down embarrassed and says, “I, uh. Well I don’t know where he lives.” Of course it’s something dumb like that to even make him consider risking the captain finding out about his plan. “Plus you seemed more worried than the rest of us when we were talking to him. You looked like you were analyzing everything he said. Like he was some puzzle you were trying to solve.” This startles me into asking, “I did?” He nods in response, and stands there expectantly- probably waiting for my answer, I realize. 

 

I weigh the options in my head, on the one hand we just give Hinata space while keeping an eye from a distance like the captain wants. This will have less repercussions, but also might not solve anything. On the other, we do things Nishinoya’s way and actively seek out what Hinata’s problem is and solve it ourselves. This has a higher chance of getting results, but could possibly ruin our relationship with him. I don’t even realize how easily I made the choice until I hear myself say, “No. I won’t do anything to jeopardize my relationship with him.” Nishinoya looks just as surprised as I feel and says, “I guess he really is an important person to you then. In that case shouldn’t you want to do everything you can to help him?” This whole conversation is beginning to frustrate me. When did the supposedly stupid libero who is always acting on instinct manage to become a debate master? With one final sigh I say, “Fine, I’ll tell you where he lives. But I’m not doing anymore than that and he can’t find out I told you, got it?” He salutes and says, “Yessir!” and after giving him the information he wants, we part ways.

 

It’s late when I get home, and after I close the door my mom yells from across the house. “Tobio is that you?” I walk into the kitchen where I see her wrapping some food to put in the fridge. “Hey mom.” I greet her, and she smiles and sets the food down. “Welcome home. I expected you to be later so I was just putting your portion in the fridge, but you can have it now if you want.” I nod and take the food from her, unwrapping it and sitting at the table. I eat silently, the day’s events weighing heavily on my mind. My mom notices and asks, “Is everything alright honey?” I shrug, but she presses harder, probably concerned about how upset I am. “Don’t you shrug me off young man. You’ve never been good at expressing your emotions, but something’s clearly bothering you. So spill it.” 

 

She’s right, I do have trouble expressing myself, but even more than that, this is a situation I want to believe is fake. I don’t want to think about how Hinata could be suffering, or how I can’t do anything to help, or how much I just want to see him smile at me right now. This train of thought surprises me. Was Nishinoya right? Do I actually care about Hinata’s safety in a capacity other than volleyball? I’m so lost in my thoughts that I forget I haven’t answered my mother. “Tobio for the love of god just tell me what you’re thinking. You don’t need to say anything a specific way. I’m your mom so I’ll understand whatever you say however you say it.”

 

I turn to look at her and reply, “Sorry, mom. I’m confused right now, but I think I just realized something.” She isn’t exactly satisfied with my answer, but it does seem to be enough to get her to stop asking questions. “Well I hope whatever you’re so confused about gets resolved soon.” She leaves the kitchen, and as I eat I replay the events of this morning in my head, analyzing every little detail that I remember. I got the closest to Hinata when he had his attack, so I also probably got the best look at the damage. I remember how thin he was, which makes me realize that I almost never see him eat lunch. This new revelation that he might not be eating worries me, so I yell into the other room. “Hey mom! Could you make me an extra lunch tomorrow?” She pops her head into the kitchen again and asks, “Sure, but why do you need two all of a sudden?” I don’t exactly want to tell her that I’m worried about the short idiot, so I just reply, “My friend asked me if I could bring them some food because they never have time to make anything in the morning.” She gives me a knowing smile and says, “Well alright. Just make sure you tell me if Hinata-kun likes it.” I nod and it is only after she returns to the other room that I realize she figured out that the lunch is for Hinata. Suddenly I have to come to terms with the fact that Hinata is basically my only close friend.

 

When I finish eating I go to my room and lay on the bed, my bag and homework abandoned in the corner. I instead try to sort through my thoughts about Hinata, and why I suddenly care so much about making sure he’s safe. It’s clear that he is going through some stuff that he doesn’t want to tell us about, and I know he was lying about how he got those injuries. What I don’t understand is why. Why is he keeping us in the dark? Why won’t he tell us the truth about those injuries? Why does it hurt me so much that he doesn’t trust me? He always trusts me on the court- he spikes with his eyes closed for god’s sake. So why can’t he trust me off the court too? An uncomfortable thought worms its way into my head as I wonder if his desire to spike our quick with his eyes open is actually a way to push me away? And if that’s the case then wouldn’t that mean he isn’t trusting me even on the court anymore?

 

This feeling reminds me of when my old team abandoned me, and although the familiar anxiety is creeping up on me, I decide the best way to ease my fear is to ask Hinata himself. I get up and go over to my bag, rummaging around in it until I find my phone. Walking back to my bed I unlock it, scrolling through my contacts until I see the name Hinata put when he added his number.  _ Future Little Giant _ . I hover my finger over the call button, pausing as Daichi’s warning to give him space rings through my head. I finally decide to hit the button, and bring the phone to my ear, waiting for a few rings until I hear a soft click and a yawn.  _ “Hello?” _ I am startled by his yawn, and look over to my clock to see that it is already past midnight.  “Uh hey. Sorry for calling so late, did I wake you?” I hear some shuffling from the other side and he replies,  _ “Yeah you did Bakageyama. But don’t worry, I’ll forgive you.” _ I do feel a little bad now, but it’s too late to take back the call. “Oh, uh thanks. Do you have some time to talk? I had a few things I wanted to ask you.” 

 

He doesn’t reply for a moment, and when he does he is very quiet, barely above a whisper.  _ “I have time right now, but I don’t really want to talk about what I think you’re going to ask.” _ It takes me a moment to realize what he means, but I’m following the captain’s advice, even if I don’t personally agree with it. “Oh, no. I actually wanted to ask you something about the club.” He hums in response and I take that as my cue to continue, though when I speak again it comes out faster than I intend, and in a weak voice. “Uh, do you not trust me to set to you anymore?” The laugh I hear on the other end almost makes me forget about what happened today, and when he replies his voice seems to have brightened somewhat.  _ “Of course I still trust you Kageyama. You’re the only setter I can do awesome quicks with.” _ I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and say, “Good. Because I don’t want you to ever stand on the court without me there.” The embarrassing declaration comes out of my mouth before I can stop it, but before I can remedy my mistake I hear  _ ”I feel the same way Kageyama. You’re the best setter I’ll ever have.” _

 

His words wash over me and I get a tingly feeling throughout my body, so I quickly look over myself to see if anything is wrong. When I don’t notice anything obvious, I speak into the phone again. “Well that’s the main reason I called you, but if you wanted to, uh, talk about anything else we could do that.” I hear his breathing from the other end as he takes time to think, and eventually I hear,  _ “I guess, um- Well actually, I just- _ ” I find myself getting frustrated with his inability to speak his mind so I say, “Just spit it out already dumbass.” It only takes a few seconds for him to respond,  _ “Oh right. Uh, sorry. Well I just want to say that if you wanted to ask me anything about earlier I might answer some questions. But only if I want to!” _ I definitely wasn’t expecting this, but I'm not about to turn down the best chance I have at finding out what’s going on with Hinata.

 

“Okay that’s fair. If you don’t want to answer you don’t have to.” I hear a sigh on the other end-he probably got caught up in the moment and didn’t mean to offer this, but I’m not about to back down. “So I guess first of all I want to ask if you are alright. I mean obviously you have all those injuries, but do they hurt or anything?” He laughs a little and replies,  _ “No they don’t hurt.” _ So he’s not in pain, at least that’s something good about all this. “Okay that’s good. Can you still play volleyball?” I swear I can feel him roll his eyes over the phone as he says,  _ “Yes Kageyama, I can still play volleyball.” _ He pauses for a moment then continues,  _ “Although I don’t think I’ll be able to practice for a bit, so please tell everyone that I won’t be there for two or three days.” _

 

I’m pretty sure that what comes out of my mouth next wakes the entire neighborhood because I yell, “What do you mean you aren’t able to practice?!” His voice is shaky on the other end as he replies,  _ “I mean that I can’t practice. I don’t think it’s too hard to understand.” _ I reign in my frustration and offer a silent apology to anyone I woke and ask, “Why can’t you practice?” He remains silent so I speak again, “Are you still there?” His voice comes through once more, but he is so quiet that I almost can’t hear him.  _ “You said I don’t have to answer any questions I don’t want to.” _ I curse at past me for agreeing to Hinata’s terms, but it would do more harm than good to try and convince him to speak. “Fine, you don’t have to answer. But I’m telling the team about this when I pass along your message.” The panic I hear in his voice when he answers shocks me- I’ve never heard him sound so scared.  _ “No! You can’t tell them! Make up a story about how I’m sick or have a doctor’s appointment or something!” _ I don’t say anything for a few moments, just listening to his heavy breathing through the speaker. Eventually, in a weak voice, he adds,  _ “Kageyama, please.” _

 

I’m unsure of what to do about his request. the last thing I want is to take away any trust that Hinata has in me, but at the same time the team probably won’t believe whatever lie I come up with. I finally come to a decision and answer, “Fine, I won’t tell the team about this, but only if you answer two questions for me.” He gulps on the other end and asks,  _ “What questions?” _ I smirk, although he can’t see it, because I finally have an advantage. “First, you seem more open now then you did this afternoon when we talked to you as a group. Why?” He answers right away, but his voice takes on a nervous tone, which I realize is the same voice he gets when he freaks out before games.  _ “I’m not sure. Maybe just because I’m tired, or maybe I just trust you more than the others.” _ So he does trust me off of the court, good to know. “Okay. And my second question has two parts.” I ignore his protests about how  _ “That’s not fair Kageyama, you tricked me!” _ and ask my other question. “Um, you’re pretty good at understanding how people feel right?” He answers in the affirmative so I keep speaking. “Hypothetically what would it mean if-” I’m cut off by a noise that sounds like someone banging on a door and Hinata quickly saying,  _ “I’m sorry Kageyama I have to go now. I’ll answer your question tomorrow, I promise.” _ And before I can say anything else the line goes dead. 

 

I pull the phone away from my ear and check the call length. Only eight minutes, even though it felt more like eight hours. Setting my phone down I turn my attention towards the strange occurrence at the end of the call. Who on earth would be knocking on someone’s door at this hour? I take a final look at the clock and decide I must have been hearing things because it’s almost one in the morning. I plug my phone in to charge and lie down in my bed, but I have trouble falling asleep. Something about that loud banging on the phone bugs me, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I lay awake for a few more hours before I am finally claimed by sleep, and as I close my eyes all I can think about is Hinata.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have much to say here besides the usual, but you've read all that in the previous chapters. Instead of all that stuff, how about I ask a question instead.
> 
> What do you think the knocking at the end of the phone call was all about? Curious to see if anyone will figure it out.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this chapter and see you next week!


	5. Truths Revealed, Promises Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishinoya has never been one to abandon people in need, especially when they're his friends, so of course he gets mad when Suga lets Hinata leave. He later finds himself at his kouhai's house, and after inviting himself to stay over learns some truths that neither are truly prepared to face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Referenced Self Harm, Cutting, Implied Abuse, Mild Blood

Nishinoya’s POV:

 

I sprint down the stairs, skipping two at a time in an effort to catch up with Shouyou before he leaves school. As I reach the bottom I turn quickly, grabbing the handrail for stability as I nearly fall, but never stopping. I’m running as fast as I can, thinking about what I can do and what I’ll say when I get to him. There are more students around than I would expect, but that doesn’t matter to me as I weave through them at top speed. I call out apologies to those I almost topple, but I never give them a second glance since my whole being is focused on making sure my kouhai is safe.

 

After a bit of running, I finally see the bike racks in the distance, and the splash of orange next to them fills me with relief that Shouyou hasn’t left yet. “Hey Shouyou, wait a second! I want to talk with you!” I’m pretty confident that I see his head move in response to my shouting, but the distance makes it hard to be sure so I call out again, even louder this time. “Hey! Don’t leave yet! I have to make sure you’re okay and the only way I can is if you talk to me!” I haven’t stopped running this entire time, but it feels like I’m not moving an inch as I see him hop on his bike and ride away. I give chase until I’m standing right outside the school gates, hoping that by some miracle I can catch him. Unfortunately, no miracles decide to come my way, and I am forced to watch in sadness and frustration as the person who needs me runs away.

 

I remain outside the school for a few minutes to catch my breath, all my emotions running wild until they reach a boiling point. “God damn it!” I curl my hand into a fist and unload all my emotions onto the wall next to me. Sadness that Shouyou doesn’t trust me enough to talk. Anger that Suga let him go so easily. Frustration that I’m not able to do anything for him. Fear that something truly terrible is happening, and that I won’t see my precious kouhai tomorrow or ever again. I hear students around me whispering as they leave, but I can’t bring myself to care about that when I failed in my duty as Shouyou’s senpai. I continue pounding away at the wall until I notice a red mark beginning to appear. Glancing at my hand I notice specks of blood oozing through the scrapes that are my reward for how I treated the stone next to me.

 

“Guess I should head back.” I say out loud to no one in particular. My hand stings a bit, but I ignore it, having seen firsthand that someone close to me is in far greater pain. While I walk back to the club room, I observe that the school has emptied considerably, and now only faculty wanders the grounds. I take my time returning, my mind filled with thoughts about what is going on with Shouyou. It hurts me to know that he is going through something difficult, but it hurts even more to know that he won’t let me do anything to help. A sudden pang of guilt strikes me and I can’t help but think I might’ve caught him if I had just run a little faster, or chased after him a little sooner. With my head completely occupied, I don’t even realize I’ve made it back to the club room until I walk in the door. 

 

The door closes behind me with a soft click, and I look around the room, locking eyes with everyone else. “I couldn’t catch him. I know he heard me shouting for him, but he just ignored me and rode away.” Asahi offers a warm smile, and in a gentle voice says, “Don’t be so upset about it. He probably wouldn’t have listened even if you had caught him.” I give him a small “Thank you.” but it is more out of courtesy than anything else. It seems that Suga has had enough of the negative atmosphere that I am creating because he addresses the room. I only half pay attention, but I instantly brighten when I hear him say, “-Now, why don’t we all talk about what we can do for Hinata from this point on.”

 

After that point we spend a few hours discussing Shouyou’s situation, and what actions we might be able to take so we can help him. I stop contributing much partway through, as I get lost in my own thoughts of helping him. Daichi mentioned the possibility that something is wrong at home when we confronted Shouyou, so maybe I should investigate that line of thinking. The only problem is that I don’t know where he lives, just that it is over a mountain. I don’t really mind the walk, but it means nothing if I’m searching blindly. My best bet is to ask Daichi or Suga, they could probably look up his address in our team records or whatever we have. 

 

With my mind otherwise occupied, I don't realize the time until Asahi says, "I think we should discuss this more some other time, I need to be home soon or my parents will start to worry.” Of course Asahi is the one who has restrictions on when he needs to be home. I reach up to pat our glass hearted face on the back and say, "Come on man. No parents should have to be concerned about someone in their third year of high school being out late.” Daichi's laugh rings out through the room and I am glad to have lessened the tension a bit. While we are all preparing to leave I decide to wait until everyone is gone so I can ask Daichi about where Shouyou lives, but that plan flies out the window all to quickly when Daichi says to give the small spiker space. 

 

This unexpected wrench in my plans isn't enough to deter me, and even if Daichi might kill me later, at least I will die having helped my kouhai. I spend the rest of my time getting ready, but also think about who else might know where Shouyou lives. Suddenly I realize that I overlooked the most obvious person of all: his partner. I glance at Kageyama and see that he is very slow in leaving, so I wait at the foot of the stairs for him. While I wait, I check to make sure that he is the last one to leave, and when I am sure that everyone else is gone I prepare to grab him when he comes down. At the sound of footsteps passing in front of me I reach out and grab him, pulling him under the stairs with me. His glare informs me that I probably should have chosen a different method of talking to him, but I’m not worried about that right now. "What do you want Nishinoya-san?” After explaining my plan and convincing Kageyama to give me the information I want, I check the time and see that it is about half past ten, meaning there is plenty of time to go to the house right now.

 

Two hours later I find myself cursing Kageyama for not giving me more specific directions, but I have at least made it to the other side of the mountain. Knowing that I should be somewhere near Shouyou’s neighborhood I take a small rest in a nearby park, but when I sit on a bench I hear a small beep coming from my pocket. I pull out my phone and to my dismay see the low battery signal and a missed call from my mom. Realizing that I forgot to tell her that I would be out this late, I shoot her a quick text, not trusting my phone to survive long enough for a call. I let her know that I will be staying at a friend’s house tonight (a lie), and am not surprised by her frustration at the short notice. With that situation dealt with, I renew my search, hoping that I can find the house before my phone dies… and that Shouyou can make my lie a little more truthful.

 

A little while later I finally find the address Kageyama gave me, and luckily my phone still has enough power to tell me the time, although it dies right after. I got here much later than expected, and even though he is probably asleep, I’m not ready to just let Shouyou go like that. Steeling my nerves I knock three times on the door, and a few minutes later a man I don’t know answers, clearly irritated at being woken up this late at night. “I’m sorry to bother you so late sir,but is Shouyou here?” I bow as I say this, and his response is, “What is a grade schooler like you doing out so late? And how do you know my son?” While I was expecting the second question, the first makes me retort, “I’m not in grade school! For your information I happen to be Shouyou’s senpai!” He looks me over with a suspicious eye, but eventually sighs and waves me in. “I’m guessing you’re here to talk to him then. I’ll get him down.” 

 

I take my shoes off and take a seat on the couch, and as the man walks up the stairs he doesn’t make any effort to hide his thoughts. “Stupid brats, waking me up at this time of night.” After that though he quiets down and I can barely make out the words “bonding time”. While I wait for Shouyou, I look around his living room, and see that it is pretty bare. There is a TV and a small end table. Taking a closer look at it I see some lines that look similar to the ones that litter my kouhai’s body. My train of thought is interrupted by a loud banging from upstairs, which startles me into falling off the couch. More banging followed by a loud, “Wake up already you brat!” surprises me even more. I know that his dad isn’t exactly happy that I showed up this late with no warning, but there’s no need to be so aggressive towards his son.

 

I reclaim my seat on the couch and a few moments later I see the person I’ve been waiting for slowly creep down the stairs, each step creaking as he makes his way to the bottom. I notice he has gained a limp since I saw him at school, and add that to my list of questions to ask him. When he finally reaches the foot of the stairs, he stands completely still, and a few moments later he looks up at me with a bright smile that I wouldn’t expect from someone who supposedly just woke up. “Oh Nishinoya-senpai. What are you doing here so late?” I give him a once over as I carefully consider how to talk to him without him fleeing like before. Even though it is a particularly hot night, he is wearing a baggy shirt with long sleeves and sweatpants. His tiny body is hunched over, making him seem even smaller than usual. Despite the dim lighting I can see a few spots of red on the edge of his sleeve, and his shirt seems to cling to his back as if something sticky were holding it there. He must notice me staring because he moves his hands to cover his sleeves, so I decide that I should finally say something. “Why don’t you come over and sit on the couch? Won’t you get uncomfortable standing there?” He hesitates for a moment, then nods and walks over while trying to hide his limp. He takes a seat next to me, but when his back reaches the cushions, he winces and moves so that he is sitting on the edge.

 

I take a deep breath, and even though I’m not the one who should be nervous I can’t help but feel a knot in my stomach as I talk. “I tried to talk to you earlier before you left. You must not have heard me because you rode away.” I mentally slap myself for making it seem like I’m accusing him of something, but before I can rephrase he looks down and whispers, “I’m sorry, but if that’s what you came here to talk about then please leave.” Sensing that the conversation is already moving in a direction opposite of what I want, I change the topic to something else, waiting for the right moment to bring up his problems again. With a nervous chuckle I speak again. “Actually Shouyou, I was kind of hoping I could stay here tonight? I got lost when I was looking around and told my mom I was staying at a friend’s house.”

 

He looks at me incredulous, before asking, “You got lost? Now that you bring it up, how did you find out where I live anyways?” I panic a bit at his question since I promised Kageyama that I would keep his involvement secret, and end up blurting out the first thing that pops into my mind. “I broke into the school’s confidential records!” Great, just great. Now I’ve made my kouhai think I’m a criminal. He gives me a curious look and says, “You seriously did all that just to find out where I live? That’s a bit weird Noya-san.” While I’m trying to think of what to say to defend myself, he stands up and begins walking back towards the stairs. As he walks I notice that he keeps his back to me even though it results in him almost having to move backwards.

 

 Figuring I’ve messed up my only chance I stand as well, but when I move towards the door he calls out, “My room is this way, you can stay in there tonight.” I’m sure that I make an interesting face, but the laugh that I would normally expect to come from him is absent. Regardless, I thank him ad change direction to follow him up the stairs, but before we reach the top he stops me and puts a finger to his lips, indicating that we need to be quiet. I nod in affirmation and we silently make our way over to what I assume is his room if the volleyball stickers all over the door are anything to go by. Momentarily forgetting that I’m supposed to be quiet I say, “Aren’t you a lit-” My voice becomes muffled as I am quickly cut off by a hand clamping itself over my mouth, and Shouyou looking around terrified. He opens the door and practically shoves me into the room, closing the door so softly that it doesn’t make a sound.

 

He lets out a sigh of relief and I rub the back of my head with one hand while I whisper an apology. “Sorry. It slipped my mind that you wanted me to be quiet. But why was it such a big deal? You looked like you were being attacked or something.” He responds with his own whisper, so quiet that I have to strain myself to hear it. “It’s alright, I know you didn’t mean to cause trouble. And I’m not the one I’m worried about getting attacked.” I can tell he didn’t mean to say that last part out loud by the face he makes, but I’m not about to let this opportunity leave me like that. “What do you mean you’re not worried about you getting attacked? Is there someone else that you’re concerned about?” Saying this aloud makes me think of how good hearted Shouyou is if he’s worried about someone else while working through his own problems.

 

He quickly says, “I’m not worried about anyone.” but the higher pitch his voice takes on gives away the lie. I want to press harder, but he is already moving over to his bed, so I take the time to look around his surprisingly barren room. Aside from the bed there is a small closet that looks like he could barely fit in it and and worn out desk with a lamp and old digital clock sitting on top. I would’ve expected someone like him to have all sorts of stuff around his room, even if it’s all volleyball related. I am snapped out of my observations by the sound of his voice, and looking over at the bed I see him removing the sheets. “I don’t have a futon in here but you can take my bed and I’ll sleep on the floor. Just let me change the sheets real quick.” It only takes three steps to reach his side, further cementing how small the room is, and before he can finish removing the sheets I grab his wrist and say, “I’m the one imposing on you so I should take the floor. Or if you’re really that concerned we could just share the bed. You don’t even need to change the sheets, I’m sure they’re way cleaner than mine back home.”

 

He pulls his wrist back with a small yelp, and immediately wraps his other hand around it while regarding me with a look that reminds me of this morning. Not wanting the situation to escalate like it did then, I put my hands up in a gesture of peace. My knowledge of panic attacks isn’t much, so I’m not sure if what I did helped, but he does seem to calm down before it becomes a full blown one like earlier. I place my hand on my chest as I let out a sigh of relief and am surprised to feel it wet. Pulling it away I inspect it carefully, and almost shout in shock at the sight of blood on my hand. I try to find where I must have cut it, but don’t see any evidence of injury, and it doesn’t take me long to realize that Shouyou is deathly silent. I look up at him and he lowers his head in shame, leaving me with a horrifying thought. Praying to every god in existence that I’m wrong, I gulp nervously before asking, “Shouyou, can I see your wrist?”

 

We stare at each other for a solid ten minutes, until I decide that I’ve had enough waiting and slowly reach out to take his arm. I don’t even get close before he pulls away. I look him in the eyes and plead, “Shouyou I want to help you, but you have to let me.” His whole body is shaking and there is a fearful look in his eyes as he speaks, “No. I don’t want you to. You’ll make me quit or, or-” I interrupt him before he can spiral even further down. “I promise nothing is going to happen. You can still play volleyball and spend time with the team but you need to let me see so I can make sure you’re okay.” His reluctance to show me is obvious, but after another tense few minutes of waiting, he slowly and shakily removes the hand that had been covering his wrist and holds it out to me. I approach slowly, and he tears his eyes away from mine as I gently take his appendage in my hand and turn it over. I already saw the numerous cuts all over his body this morning, but these ones seem different. While the others had been curved and spread around, the ones I see now are short straight lines, layered over each other neatly. Some of them have mostly faded, and others are just beginning to scab over. One of the scabs has been unceremoniously ripped from the flesh, and is the source of the blood that ended up on my hand. I tear my eyes away to look at his face, but he just buries himself into the opposite shoulder, so I turn back to his wrist. As I move my head I notice some more red spots appearing closer to his shoulder, and I realize this might not be the worst of it. 

 

Without asking for permission, but moving slowly in case he wants me to stop, I start pulling his sleeve further up his arm, and notice that the ones over his bicep haven’t even scabbed over, and are still leaking blood. I don’t want to believe what I’m seeing, but with the evidence staring me in the face I have no choice. I try to speak, but it takes a while to get anything out. Eventually I manage to croak out, “Did you? Yourself?” I can’t put together a full sentence, but he understands and responds with a small nod. “Why?” I can’t stop the tears that are beginning to form, and he begins shaking as sobs wrack his body. I release my grip on his arm and pull him into a hug, sitting on his bed and pulling him with me. He tightly wraps his arms around me, almost as if he’s afraid to let go, and we sit there crying in each others’ arms until I finally manage to calm myself down. He is still sobbing into my shirt so I continue holding him until the sobs finally turn into hiccups, and the hiccups falter into deep breaths. 

 

When it seems  like he has finally calmed down enough to speak, I clear my throat and ask again, “Why Shouyou? Why would you do that to yourself?” His eyes water, and for a moment I think he is going to start crying again, but he takes a deep breath and explains. “I don’t want to, I really don’t. You have to believe me when I say I don’t.” He looks at me with pleading eyes, and I don’t see any dishonesty in them which prompts me to ask, “If you don’t want to then why? There has to be some reason, right?” He spends the next few minutes thinking something over, before finally coming to a decision and getting up off the bed and walking to the desk. He opens one of the drawers and pulls out a photograph, which he treats as if it were made of glass. Returning to me he holds out the photo for me to look at, but he pulls it away when I try to reach for it. I retract my hand and he shows me the photo again, clearly not wanting me to touch it.

 

“This is a picture of my family on the day we brought my sister home from the hospital.” I stare at him in shock. “You have a sister? How come you never told us? I would’ve thought you’d be a super proud brother.” He looks away and replies, “I  _ had _ a sister.” This news shakes me to my core, and I almost forget what I asked him in the first place. “I’m really sorry to hear that Shouyou, and I don’t want to seem insensitive but I don’t understand what this has to do with you… doing that.” He takes on a somber tone, his voice increasing in both speed and volume as he goes on, and bluntly says, “You mean cutting myself right? There’s no point in trying to avoid calling it what it is. I do this to myself and never once have I considered stopping. Almost every day for the past eight years, and I choose to do this. It hurts and I hate it and the scars will never fade, and even though I deserve to die I know I can’t let myself end it because I lost the right to make that choice eleven years ago. And if I tell anyone about it they’ll make stop playing volleyball, the one thing that’s still good in my life. You really want to know why I do this? It’s because I killed my sister, that’s why! She would still be alive if it wasn’t for me! This is all my fault!”

 

I stare at him dumbfounded, which I’ve been doing a lot since I got here, and try to process everything he just told me. Never in a million years would I have expected the one person who is the epitome of happiness to be hiding such a dark secret. Not only that, he just told me that he wishes he could  _ die _ . Doesn’t he realize how many people would be absolutely crushed if that were to happen? His breathing comes in labored pants, and I doubt he meant to say as much as he did, but now more than ever it is important for me to show him how much his safety matters. “Shouyou look at me.” He does as I request, though his face is contorted into one of agony. “I don’t ever want to hear you say that you want to die. You are so important to not only our team but every other team we’ve played against as well.” He interrupts me with a frustrated growl, “I know that already Noya-san! Having people that care about me just makes it worse! I have to live every moment knowing that I don’t want to! Everyone caring about me means that even if I die then they’ll all be sad. My existence only ever brings suffering to those around me.”

 

I’m not sure how to respond to that, most people suffering like this don’t understand that there are others who care about them. Shouyou doesn’t have that problem, and even sees it as a burden on himself and others. I find myself questioning how he could possibly think that him being around people makes them suffer, so I voice my concerns. “I don’t understand why you think so little of yourself. People caring about you isn’t going to make anyone suffer, and the fact that your death would make them sad is something that should fill you with pride that you’ve touched so many peoples’ lives. You don’t deserve to die and even though I don’t know what happened, I’m sure you didn’t kill your sister.” He shakes his head and replies, “No, you’re lying. Don’t talk about my sister like you knew her!” I shove him against the wall, forgetting the injuries he has sustained. Although I am reluctant to use force like this, it successfully startles him into paying attention. 

 

“You’re right, I didn’t know her! But that doesn’t mean I don’t know you, and you aren’t the kind of person who would cause anyone to suffer. The whole team always talks about how your mere presence brightens up everyone’s day. You’re the reason Kageyama gained the courage to play at his best with a team again, and you always make Tanaka and me so proud when you call us senpai.” He remains quiet, so I let him go and lay back down on the bed. The tension in the room is thick, and neither one of us is willing to make the first move to break it. I feel movement to my side, and when the bed dips next to me I know that Shouyou has taken the opportunity to lie down. Out of the corner of my eye I see him turn his head towards me, but I keep mine firmly in place, not meeting his gaze. He starts moving again, fidgeting nervously until his voice finally breaks the silence. “Are you going to tell the rest of the team?”He asks, and although I know he won’t want me too, the team deserves to know what he’s been doing.

 

I sigh and roll over so that I am facing him before answering, “I have to Shouyou. I won’t tell them about your sister if you don’t want me to, but everything else they deserve to know.” His eyes tear up and he starts shaking his head and begging. “Please don’t tell them. I’ll do anything. I can’t get kicked off the team, or have them make me stop playing.” I really have to think about this. I know that telling the others won’t get him kicked off like he’s worried about, and it may even lead to everyone working together to help him get better. The problem with this plan is that he most likely will get benched for a while, and in his current state of mind I’m not confident that he would be able to handle losing what he considers his only source of happiness. On the other hand if I keep it a secret there’s not much I can do to stop him from continuing down this self-destructive path.

 

Making a decision and praying that it isn’t the wrong one, I say, “I won’t tell anyone if you agree to a few conditions.” His eyes fill with hope, but knowing that the source of that hope is him possibly being able to keep hurting himself disturbs me. “I’ll do anything Noya-san, I promise.” Despite the off-putting look in his eyes, I continue. “First of all you have to stop hurting yourself, and let me check at practice every day to make sure.” His eyes immediately darken and he says, “N-no, I can’t. I have to do it. For Natsu.” I shake my head before replying, “Think about it. If she were still alive right now do you really believe that she would want a brother who does something like that? It’s an older sibling’s job to protect their younger, but to do that they have to protect themselves first.” He mulls my words over in his mind and looks me right in the eye. The look I see is the most promising one in a while: pure determination. “Alright senpai, I’ll… I’ll try.” 

 

I ruffle his hair and say, “Good. Now the next condition is that you have to talk to me if you ever feel like doing anything dangerous like this again. Or even if you have negative thoughts about yourself. I don’t want you to keep bottling that up and end up with another situation like this one.” He has no issues with agreeing to this one, which makes me a little hopeful that I can work towards fixing this. It’ll be tough on my own, but if I can get him to open up to some others on the team we could really turn his life around.

 

I finally move on to my third and final request. “I know you won’t want to agree with this one, so if you really can’t do it I’ll change it.” He takes a deep breath to prepare himself for what I’m about to ask, and I do the same. “I want you to tell me where you got the other injuries, and please don’t make up a fake story like you did after practice.” He gapes at me for a solid minute, and I wonder if he really thought his story about rose bushes was believable. He tries to stutter out a response, but the words just aren’t coming out, so he eventually settles for shaking his head no. I expected this, but was really wishing that he would tell me. “Okay, in that case the last thing is that you need to tell me about new injuries when you get them, or if the old ones start getting worse. I noticed you aren’t wearing any bandages so I’m guessing you haven’t been properly taking care of them. So you have to at least let me help with that.” He shakes his head again and says, “You don’t have to do that Noya-senpai. It really doesn’t bother me if they get infected. I deserve it anyways.” 

 

Although I am glad that he is opening up to me enough to tell me how he really feels about the last request, I give him a stern look and say, “If you can’t follow all three I’ll tell Daichi and coach.” Sighing at his defeat he nods and I internally do a little victory dance. With this stressful conversation finally over the  _ slightly _ taller than me boy yawns, and I follow up with my own soon after. Pulling out my phone to check the time, I remember that it is out of battery, and after digging through my bag for my charger I plug it in. Opting to look at the clock on the desk instead, I see that is now well past three in the morning, and flop down onto the bed to sleep. Shouyou tentatively crawls over to me and snuggles into my side, and I wonder if he is secretly relieved at finally having someone to talk to about everything. I let him do as he wishes and close my eyes to let the blissful embrace of sleep take me. The slow breaths of my kouhai indicate that he has already fallen asleep, and with one final yawn I find myself joining him on the journey to dreamland.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this chapter made me really sad to write, but at least Hinata's getting some help now. Also sorry that I'm a bit late, but it's only like an hour past Sunday in my timezone so please forgive me. It's also pretty crazy to think that all five of these chapters just sum up a single day. These volleyboys lead a crazy life apparently.
> 
> I've also decided that just continuing to put a bunch of thanks for the same person in the end notes every time is kinda redundant and boring so now I'll be asking questions. Feel free to answer or not, whatever floats your boat.
> 
> Today's Question: What is your favorite Haikyuu rarepair? See my answer next week (although my other fics probably make it obvious)


	6. Hinata's Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a tearful night with Nishinoya it seems that Hinata is ready to finally let himself free from the shackles of his past. When Kageyama confronts him with a question, he doesn't know how to handle the situation. That is, until he gets an idea that he thinks will make everyone happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Referenced Abuse, Referenced Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Homophobia, Bullying

Hinata’s POV:

 

I yawn and try to stretch, but a sharp pain courses throughout my entire body and I tumble out of my bed, grunting when something heavy falls down with me. “Owww.” A tired voice reaches my ears. “Be a little gentler with the wake up call Shouyou.” Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes Nishinoya sits up and looks at me, and I wonder why he’s here. Suddenly the events of last night surge through my mind and I hang my head in shame for making him worry. “I’m sorry Noya-san, I didn’t mean to wake you up this early. Let’s just get back to sleep.” He tilts his head in confusion and replies, “Do we really have time to sleep more? Doesn’t it take a while for you to get to school?” Puzzled, I look at the clock and am surprised to see that I actually slept all the way until my alarm, which is still going off. I hurriedly shut it down and stand up, only to fall over again when excruciating pain shoots up my leg.

 

Nishinoya is quick to catch me, and after helping me to sit on the bed regards me with a worried expression. “Be careful Shouyou. Is it your leg?” I nod in response and he leans down to take a look. Rolling my pants up to my knee reveals a very red and swollen calf, which he gently pokes to get an idea of my pain level. I have to bite down hard on my lip to stop the scream of pain that wants to tear its way out of my throat, and he pulls his hand back as if it was burned. “Sorry about that. Although this means you’re going to need help getting around today, huh?” I try to brush it off with one of my usual smiles and say, “No, no. I’m sure I can manage.” In an effort to prove my point I stand up again and try to take a few steps. Emphasis on try. 

 

By the second step I am on the floor again with my knee pulled to my chest and tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. He crouches down again and supports me to the bed once more before declaring, “Don’t try to walk again, you’ll just make it worse.” He then busies himself around the room, searching through my dresser and tossing clothes to me for the day. When I have a full outfit ready he boldly asks, “Do you need help?” I know he has already seen everything, but I still don’t want to show him again so I answer, “No, I think I can do it. But what about you, don’t you have a change of clothes?” He doesn’t, so I offer some of mine since we are both pretty close in size. He clearly has no issue changing in front of me, not that I would expect him to considering that’s what we do in club. I end up staring at him as he changes, finding some weird kind of comfort in the fact that he has bruises all over his body too, albeit much smaller and received in different circumstances. If he notices my staring, he doesn’t comment, and when he finishes changing I ask him to turn away before quickly doing the same. 

 

After we finish getting ready he helps me down the stairs and into the kitchen, where I pull out a bowl for cereal. “Noya-san in the cupboard there should be a few different types of cereal, you can pick whichever you want.” My dad is extremely particular about food, so I normally wouldn’t dare to grab anything from there, but since Nishinoya’s a guest it should be fine as long as I don’t eat anything. Nishinoya is happily munching away on his cereal when he notices that I don’t have anything. “Aren’t you gonna eat Shouyou?” I shake my head and reply, “Uh no. I’m not really that hungry. Don’t worry I skip breakfast all the time.” 

 

He looks at me skeptically but says, “Alright, if you’re sure. By the way, why were you so concerned that you woke me up early?” I fidget uncomfortably and say, “It’s nothing.” He gives me a disapproving glare and counters, “Shouyou, you promised that you would talk to me. Don’t go breaking that on the first day.” I’m a bit embarrassed to tell him, but he does already know more than anyone else, so maybe it’ll be okay. “Um, I usually wake up a few times throughout the night. It’s actually pretty uncommon for me to sleep until my alarm.” I hope he doesn’t press the issue any further, but he gestures with his hands for me to continue. I resign myself to my fate and answer fully. “Most nights I get nightmares about when Natsu died. They wake me up a lot, so I don’t get much sleep.” 

 

He nods in understanding and goes back to eating, though I can see him deep in thought, and I end up lost in my own as well. It’s not the first time I haven’t had nightmares, but it happens so infrequently that I never thought much about it. I also recall that the same thing happened the night before, and I find myself wondering if this is the universe’s way of telling me that I’m forgiven. Maybe I’m finally allowed to die. The clanging of silverware being dropped and Nishinoya’s furious glare makes me realize I said that last part out loud. “No! You are definitely  _ not _ allowed to die! If you didn’t have any nightmares then that’s a good thing, and I won’t let you use it as an excuse!” I flinch away from his shouting, so his voice softens and he says, “I’m sorry, I guess my shouting doesn’t help anything. I just don’t like you talking about death like it’s some kind of reward.”

 

He finishes his bowl shortly thereafter, and we start moving towards the front door to leave when I remember that I haven’t taken my pills yet. I sheepishly ask Nishinoya to help me back to my room, and even though he agrees I still feel bad about making him go out of his way. When we reach my room I ask him to wait outside, and I crawl my way over to my bed, swallowing them quickly before making my way back. Finally ready to leave we exit the house, only for me to realize that it will be very difficult to ride my bike in this condition. “Noya-san you should take my bike to school. I don’t think I’ll be able to ride it.” He replies, “That’s fine, but what about you?” I shrug and say, “I’ll just have to find some other way.” He crosses his arms and matter-of-factly says, “If I leave you on your own you’ll probably collapse trying to get there.” The glint I see in his eyes concerns me, and my fears are confirmed when he says, “I’ve got it! You sit on the seat and I’ll stand behind you and pedal.”

 

“That won’t work Noya-san, we’ll be too heavy. And even if it does you’ll still be late for practice.” After a short argument with a very stubborn libero I find myself succumbing to his will and attempting the idea. “Hold on tight Shouyou, this is gonna be a bumpy ride!” Before I get the chance to shush him for being so loud this early in the morning, we shoot off faster than I thought was possible. The ride is actually much easier than I expected- there were only a few times we nearly crashed , and Nishinoya only needed to walk the bike on the steepest parts of the mountain. Despite leaving much later than I normally would, we actually manage to arrive before class starts, and relatively safely. 

 

“I guess maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. But you should go to practice now Noya-san.” I say while trying to hobble my way towards the main building. I put a bit too much pressure on my injured leg,  _ again _ , but Nishinoya is there to catch me before I hit the ground. “No way Shouyou. I need to get you to the infirmary so I won’t be going to practice this morning. I push him away and say, “I’m fine, but you have to go to practice.” After that I try to run off, and although I do manage to move despite the pain shooting up my leg, I can’t get away from my speedy friend. “Shouyou,” he says sternly, “You need to get your leg looked at, and I’m not a doctor so I can’t do it. And you really shouldn’t be walking on it, so it falls on your favorite senpai to get you help!” I can tell how proud he is to be helping me even though it means missing practice, but it does nothing to stop the immense guilt I feel eating away at me. I try to cover it up with a joke by saying, “Tanaka-senpai isn’t here though.”He huffs and starts mumbling unintelligibly, and I know that I managed to hide my true feelings.

 

Knowing that I can’t get away from this with how much pain I’m in, I find myself with no choice but to do what Nishinoya wants once more. He takes me to the infirmary, the few students here this early staring at us as we walk. Their eyes make me nervous and uncomfortable, and although I know that they are most likely just wondering why I’m limping, I still try to bury myself closer into his shoulder to hide from them. Noticing this, he rubs my shoulder to try and comfort me , but it just reminds me that I’m imposing myself on him and being a burden. I pull away from him to stop the guilt, and he gives me a questioning look but doesn’t say anything. This of course leaves me more open to the stares, but I’d rather deal with that then cause him any more trouble.

 

When we arrive at the infirmary, the nurse greets us and is quick to get me seated so she can look at my leg. “Alright Hinata-kun, I’m going to roll up your pants so I can get a better look at what we’re working with.” She goes through with her examination, and I answer her questions whenever she asks. She isn’t done when the bell rings, so Nishinoya has to go off to class which makes me feel a little better about making him help me. When my examination is finally finished she wraps it up and lends me some crutches. “Hinata-kun I have some good news. Your leg isn’t broken, and it looks like you just have a light sprain. If you stay off it for a week or so you should be alright to start putting pressure on it again. I need to ask, how did you get injured?” I start sweating bullets and reply, “Uh, it was in volleyball! Yeah I got hurt at practice!” Finishing it off with a small laugh that I know makes it less convincing I thank her and rush out of the room, only to immediately bump into someone. 

 

“I’m so sorry! I wasn’t watching where I was going!” I say, looking up to see a rather large student who must be in his third year. He gives me a smile that seems kind of off, but I don’t question it and he says, “Don’t worry about it. I was waiting for you anyways. Hinata Shouyou right?” I don’t recognize this person so I tilt my head in confusion and ask, “Yes that’s me. Have we met?” He shakes his head slowly and answers, “No we haven’t, but I’d like to ask you something.” I motion for him to continue, so he does. "Was the other guy who was here earlier your  _ boyfriend _ ?" The last word comes out with such venom that it shakes me to my core, and I waste no time in squeaking out an answer. "N-n-no he isn't. He's just a teammate who helped me to the infirmary since I got injured." I gesture to my crutches and he glares at them as if verifying the truth of my words. When he is satisfied he says, "Good. We don't want any of  _ those _ here." After this declaration he walks off without another word, leaving me standing in the hallway. When the bell rings to signal the end of the first class I push the encounter to the back of my mind and get to class as fast as I can on crutches.

 

When I enter the classroom everyone turns to look at me and I can see the questions in their eyes. I try to give a wide smile like usual as I take my seat, but it feels more forced than I’m used to. I don’t have time to think about it before the next class starts, and I’m stuck not only with today’s work but also everything I missed yesterday. I've never been the best student, so missing even one day of classes can make it really hard for me to keep up with the others. Eventually I just give up on trying to retain the information, and let my thoughts drift aimlessly. I settle on thinking about all the events of last night, from when Kageyama called me to when Nishinoya showed up at my house and the deals I made with both of them. I don’t really have any way to verify that Kageyama kept his end of the bargain, and even though I trust him I’m still worried that the team didn’t believe what he said.

 

When the lunch bell rings I end my train of thought and go to meet Kageyama in our usual spot. I’m so drained from the previous day’s events that I’m not very enthusiastic about being around people right now, but I did promise that I would answer the question he has. He is already there when I arrive, and once he notices me he drops everything he was holding and rushes to my side. “What did you do to your leg stupid Hinata?! How are you going to jump if you need help to walk around?!” Having gotten used to the crutches in the short time I’ve had them, I didn’t even consider how shocking it would be to him or any of my teammates. “I just got a minor sprain Kageyama. I told you last night that I wouldn’t be able to practice for a while, remember?” He grumbles in response and goes back to where he left his belongings, and by the time I get to him he is holding a box out towards me. “Here. Uh, this is for you.” I take the box and open it to see a generous helping of food shoved into one bento, and I grin at Kageyama despite feeling bad that he went out of his way to bring me food.

 

“Ooh, Kageyama. You brought me bento?” I say in a singsong voice, and he blushes furiously while replying, “Sh-shut up dumbass. My mom just made some extra food so I brought it, that’s all.” He is obviously lying, but I spare him any more embarrassment by saying, “Well thanks Kageyama!” I set the bento on the ground and maneuver around my crutches to sit down next to my setter. As we eat in silence I’m glad to have some food since I had to skip out on breakfast, though once I’ve eaten about a quarter of the food I just push the rest around until Kageyama speaks. “You owe me one more question.” I stop playing with my food and turn towards him. “I guess I do. What were you gonna ask?” His cheeks redden again and he turns away, before replying, “So hypothetically, if there was someone who makes you feel happy whenever you see them, and if you hypothetically get sad whenever they are and just want to always see them smile what would it mean?” I blink once, then twice before breaking out into laughter, and for once I don’t have to fake it. Kageyama is saying something, but I’m laughing so hard that tears come to my eyes and I have trouble breathing. When I finally manage to calm down a little, I spare his poor soul with a simple phrase. “Bakageyama’s got a crush!”

 

He doesn’t try to argue or call me names like I expected, and instead takes on a thoughtful look. After a bit he nods his head like he just figured something out, then looks right at me, causing me to feel a little intimidated. “Hinata, there’s something I need to tell you.” I can’t tell if his face is supposed to be scary or if he’s just really focused, but either way I instinctively back away and throw my hands up in a defensive stance. “What do you want Kageyama?” What comes out his mouth next is blunt and surprises me more than anything else in my entire life up to this point. “Go out with me.” While I’m floundering for a response the bell rings and saves me from having to answer. “Ah! Sorry Kageyama but I have to go now. Takes longer to get to class with these and all.” I gesture to my crutches before continuing, “Uh, let’s talk another time okay? Great, bye.” I speed off before he has a chance to reply and although he could easily catch me he doesn’t chase after me, which is a huge relief.

 

I find it even harder to focus on the rest of my classes as I keep replaying the Kageyama’s confession over and over in my head. I can’t help but be surprised at Kageyama caring about something other than volleyball, and to make it worse, I’m the one he cares about. I do like him as a friend, but nothing more than that, and I don’t want to have anything ruin the volleyball we play together. I should probably just tell him that I don’t feel the same way, but that would make him sad and I’d be hurting people I care about again. I know Nishinoya told me that I don’t really make people suffer, but in this situation I don’t see how anything else could be happening. By the time classes end for the day I still don’t have a solution to the Kageyama issue, so I resolve to avoid him until I can think of something. 

 

Two days pass and I spend the entire time as far from Kageyama as I can get. It isn’t especially hard, since I can’t practice anyways I just skip completely, and I’ve been spending my lunch with Nishinoya instead. He seems happy that I’m talking to him about my problems,and his sincerity does help lessen the guilt I feel for making him go out of his way. The only thing I haven’t told him about, besides my dad of course, is how hard it is not to hurt myself. I made a promise, and I  _ really _ want to keep it, but every time my dad hurts me or something reminds me of Natsu I have the urge to find a razor and just slash away. Nishinoya doesn’t pry, but I can tell that he knows I’m hiding something from him, which undoes the lessening of my guilt.

 

On the third day since Kageyama’s confession my leg finally feels better enough that I can put some pressure on it without falling over, so I forgo the crutches in favor of a heavy limp. I would return to practice immediately except I know that no one would even consider allowing it, however I do show up to watch at least. The team luckily didn’t question me much, and the look I get from Nishinoya tells me that he had something to do with it. I always make sure to arrive late and leave early so Kageyama won’t have a chance to talk to me, and I spend the breaks either hiding in the bathroom stalls or just wandering aimlessly. It’s during one of these walks that I turn a corner and see something rather surprising: a boy being held against the wall by a much bigger student, one that seems familiar.

 

I stay quiet and watch the scene unfold in front of me when the larger boy speaks, reminding me of how I know him. It’s the same third year that spoke to me outside of the infirmary this morning. “Don’t lie to me you little punk, I saw you kissing another boy. And little faggots like you deserve to be punished, your lying only makes it worse.” The third year then proceeds to do something that is very familiar to me: throwing the smaller boy onto the ground and beating him repeatedly. The only difference to my experience is that the younger boy tries to fight back, but the strength of his senior overwhelms him. The beating continues until some other footsteps start approaching, and the third year turns to meet another male, who says, “Masaru, we’ve got teachers just down the hall.” The bully, whose name I now know is Masaru, releases the small boy and spits on him before saying, “Guess it’s your lucky day. If I were you I’d think reeeeeally hard about your choices from now on.” The two leave, and the victim is left in a heap on the floor. 

 

Not really knowing what to do I watch, unmoving, until I hear the teachers voices around the corner, which spurs me into action and I leave the scene. Making my way back to the gym, the water break having ended by now, and feel an idea forming in my head. If my idea works, it’ll be good for everyone. Kageyama will be happy, I won’t break my promise, and I’ll stop feeling so bad about not hurting myself. I make up my mind to finally confront Kageyama about his confession once practice ends, and walk back into the gym with a purposeful stride. I march straight up to Kageyama and say, “I want to talk with you when practice ends. I’ll wait for you by the bike racks.” I walk away, leaving him confused since I suddenly approached him after avoiding him for three days, but with a smile on my face since I finally know how I can solve this situation without anyone suffering.

 

Keeping my word I wait for Kageyama near my bike, saying goodbyes to the other team members as they walk by me to leave. Nishinoya stays to chat with me a bit longer than the others, and to check my arms since he had detention earlier and couldn’t do it. When Kageyama arrives Nishinoya takes his leave and I take a deep breath as I prepare to face the intimidating setter. He walks up with his typical scowl adorning his face, and grunts out, “Why were you avoiding me?” I should’ve figured that would be the first thing out of his mouth, and for once I am happy to answer. “I was just feeling really confused when you said you wanted to date me, but I took a few days to think about it and decided that I will.” his scowl lessens a bit, and he asks, “You’ll really date me?” I nod and reply, “Yup. But I’ve never dated anyone before so there’s some things I’m not comfortable with right away.” he motions for me to continue, so I do. “First of all, I don’t think I really want to try kissing. And I also want to keep our relationship a secret from most people.” He just gives me a blank stare and says, “Is that what people in relationships usually do?” I sigh and accept that Kageyama is even less experienced than me, and that I’m going to be the one setting boundaries. We walk part of the way home together, and when we do split up Kageyama says, “I’ll see you at lunch tomorrow right?” I grin and reply, “Of course Bakageyama, we’re dating now!”

 

The next day at school is fairly typical, aside from the more caring attitude Kageyama gives me when we’re together. Part of me guess that he’s the type who researched how to be in a relationship with someone, which is kinda sweet I guess. When school ends I skip practice again, not feeling too bad since I’m still not allowed to participate, and search the school for a certain person. I figure I’m close when I hear a panicked voice calling for help, and sure enough I see Masaru tormenting another young student. I march up to him and say, “Hey, your name is Masaru right?” He is clearly surprised to see me, and this moment gives the other boy a chance to escape, which he uses to its fullest. Clearly annoyed at losing his conquest, Masaru turns to me and says, “Yeah that’s me. And you’re Hinata-kun right? What the hell do you want?” I give him a wide smile and reply, “My name is Hinata Shouyou, and I have a boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there readers! Once again, sorry about posting a bit late, my beta reader ended up being a bit too busy to finish up in time, but I'm hopeful that this will be the last late update. In addition, I should also be posting a new one shot later this week so be on the look out for that. I'm pretty excited about the idea I have for it!
> 
> Moving on to last week's question, my favorite Haikyuu rarepair is (of course) Hinata and Nishinoya! I really feel like the two of them would be a great pair with how much energy and positivity they both have. Although Hinata is basically the most shippable character in anything ever, so pretty much every pair works with him.
> 
> For this week's question: Who is your favorite team captain? 
> 
> See you next week with my answer!


	7. Rainy Realizations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga expresses concern about Hinata, and desperately wants to help his friend however he can. However, Nishinoya refuses to talk about what he knows, leaving Suga completely in the dark about the situation. A rainy night helps him realize a few things, and his worry only increases.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Referenced Self-Harm, Referenced Cutting, Implied Bullying, Injuries

Sugawara’s POV:

 

It has been a few days since the incident with Hinata, and to say I’m worried about him would be an understatement, especially since he didn’t show up to practice the following day. Surprisingly, Kageyama covered for him, but no one believed his story, and it didn’t help when Hinata was seen at school throughout the day. When I found out that he had hurt his leg in addition to all the other injuries he had already sustained, that worry increased tenfold. What could that boy have possibly been doing that would get him hurt so badly he couldn’t walk? 

 

Hinata is also spending more time with Nishinoya lately, likely due to their encounter at the younger’s house. It still eludes me how Nishinoya ever thought he could get away with that without Daichi knowing. I swear he has a sixth sense for when people on the team do something that they really shouldn’t, although it clearly didn’t help much with Hinata. Normally I wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with Hinata spending time with the libero, they’ve been close since the day he returned to the club after all. The strange part is that it appears Hinata is using Nishinoya to avoid Kageyama, when normally the two spend all their free time together. Out of slight pity for my junior setter after realizing he doesn’t really have any other friends, I’ve been eating lunch with him since. It’s during one of these lunch periods that Kageyama confides in me, and I gain a little more understanding on what exactly is happening. 

 

“And then when he finally stopped laughing, he said that I have a crush on someone. So when I realized that it was Hinata who makes me feel all those things, I asked him out. That was when he started avoiding me.” 

 

I sigh, and can already picture in my head exactly how he asked Hinata; no grace or subtlety, just a blunt question. “Kageyama-kun, when you ask someone on a date you should try doing it in a special way.” He looks confused so I elaborate, “Like giving them flowers or something. Although Hinata would probably prefer something volleyball related. The point is that you should do something nice for them to show that you really care. If you just state it like a businessman, your feelings probably won’t come across right.” 

 

After thinking it over for a minute he nods, and I’m glad that he understands. “Suga-san, are you a mind reader?” Or maybe he doesn’t. I spend the rest of lunch trying to explain to Kageyama that I am not a mind reader, and that he is just easy to understand. By the end of the ordeal, he at least seems ready to give asking out Hinata another try, and I hope he is successful. I really hope that Hinata can accept Kageyama’s feelings, it would be disastrous for the team if the two had a falling out over this. More importantly though, it would give Hinata something positive to focus on that could take his mind off of his troubles. Not that I know what those troubles are since Nishinoya apparently swore not to tell anyone. He even managed to keep his vow of silence after a punishment from Daichi, so there’s nothing we can do to get it out of him.

 

The rest of the day passes like normal: finish up class, go to practice, Hinata walks in late to avoid Kageyama … wait, where is Hinata? I look around and sure enough, our injured spiker is nowhere to be seen. It isn’t exactly necessary for him to be here while injured, but he’s shown up the past few days regardless, so I expected him today too. Coach Ukai calls for practice to start, so I don’t have time to dwell on it, but make a mental note to ask Kageyama about it when we break for water. Surprisingly, it’s Kageyama who initiates contact during the water beak. “Sugawara-san, do you know where Hinata is?” 

 

This puts a wrench in my plans since I intended to ask him the same thing. “You mean you don’t know either Kageyama? I was hoping you might since you two are pretty close.” If even Kageyama doesn’t know where he is, then the next best person to ask is Nishinoya. Hopefully all the time they’ve spent together these past few days gave Nishinoya some insight into Hinata’s thought process.

 

Kageyama looks like he wants to say something, opening and closing his mouth like a fish as he debates with himself whether or not he should. Eventually he blurts out, “Hinata decided to date me.”

 

I blink twice in surprise, as does the rest of the team considering that Kageyama wasn’t exactly quiet about his proclamation. The room erupts into a chorus of “Congratulations!” and “I knew it would happen at some point.” until eventually coach Ukai yells out, “All of you get back to work! You all have lots to improve on before we head back to Tokyo in a few days!” Despite his words, I catch him trying to hide a small smile of his own at the news.

 

The reminder about the Tokyo training camp makes me wonder if Hinata’s still going. His leg hasn’t fully healed yet, and I doubt a measly two days will finish it off. Part of me knows that he probably shouldn’t go, but I also don’t want to make Hinata’s life rougher than it already is right now. Sighing, I continue with practice, and resolve to ask Nishinoya if he knows where Hinata has been once practice ends. Sparing a glance at our libero I see him less focused than usual, even missing a few receives that he normally digs up easily. I take the time to look around the room, realizing that everyone is performing at a lower level than usual. Trying to think of a way to raise everyone’s spirits ends in failure, as the only thing I conceive is resolving Hinata”s issues.

 

Practice concludes the same as always, although with less energy, and I can’t help but think that Hinata’s presence would light everyone up again. That boy is like the sun incarnate— always smiling and bringing happiness to those around him. “It’s about time that we do the same for him.”

 

I was thinking aloud to myself, but Nishinoya overhears me and asks, “What was that Suga-san?” Our energetic libero bounces up next to me, and I ask him to stay behind after everyone changes so I can talk to him. I assume he knows what I want to talk about, because his previous energy dissipates, but he agrees to wait up.

 

When the two of us are the only ones left in the club room, I take a moment to reflect on the similarities between now and when we talked to Hinata. Although there are fewer participants, our goal is still to help Hinata in every way possible. The tricky part is convincing Nishinoya to let me help, or rather, to give me the information I need in order to help. “Thanks for agreeing to stay late Nishinoya.”

 

His reply is a curt, “I already told you that I promised Shouyou I’d keep everything a secret. Nothing you say can make me break that promise.” I knew he would be stubborn, but I have some tricks for getting what I want.

 

“I’m not here to ask you to break any promises.” He looks at me warily—evidence that he’s taking this seriously, and is on guard against any questions I might use to trick him. “For now, I just want to ask you about your own thoughts on the matter. No need to talk about anything Hinata’s going through, just what you think about it.”

 

Taken aback, he spends a few moments in silence, soon enough, however, he breaks into a grin and happily exclaims, “That’s genius Suga-san! You know, I really do want to tell you guys. I think Shouyou needs more help than just me, but I was also worried that he would push me away if I said anything.”

 

Sporting my own grin in return, I’m pleased to see that Nishinoya has figured out my plan. Hopefully the information I get will help me determine what Hinata needs. Without wasting anymore time, Nishinaoy begins talking to me. “It’s pretty obvious that Shouyou needs our help, and he wasn’t even going to tell me anything at first, Suga-san. By accident I learned something, and it made me feel pretty horrible.”

 

Wanting a little more detail—the more info I get, the better chance I have of figuring this out—I press a bit. “What specifically do you mean by horrible?” 

 

He thinks for a second then replies, “Well, I felt inadequate. Like I wasn’t doing a good enough job as his senpai. I was also pretty mad, both at Shouyou and myself.” The fact that he was mad at Hinata is the most important piece of info there. I need to think of what Hinata could do that would anger Nishinoya. I also think a bit about the fact that Nishinoya felt like he was being a bad senpai, and the only reason he would feel this way is if he was somehow unable to protect Hinata.

 

I pull myself out of my train of thought and notice Nishinoya waiting expectantly. “Sorry Nishinoya. So what else is there?” I ask out loud, more to myself than the libero, but he responds anyways.

 

“I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’m spending more time with Shouyou lately. I’m not allowed tell you why, but it is a huge relief for me.” This isn’t nearly as tough to decipher as the other feelings. Clearly Hinata has found some reason to trust Nishinoya, and if I can figure out that reason, then I can make him trust me too.    
  
It’s at this moment that Hinata himself comes limping around the corner, with a huge smile on his face. At a glance he seems fine, but taking a second look I see that he is covered in even more bruises than before. Unlike the older ones, some of the new ones are even showing beyond the confines of his clothes. This is extremely alarming, and I’m not the only person who thinks so. Nishinoya runs straight to Hinata—I follow close behind— and says, “What the heck happened to you? You’re covered in bruises!”

 

Hinata giggles before replying, “Don’t worry about it Nishinoya-senpai! I just figured out how to solve a problem I was having trouble with!” The libero and I share a glance that definitely says neither of us believe it’s as simple as that, but our younger friend seems keen to keep any other details to himself. It’s a bit unnerving that the happiest I’ve seen him all week, is when his skin has been painted black and blue. Hinata looks at Nishinoya and asks, “Are you ready to go now?” And I give them a puzzled look.

 

Nishinoya provides the answer to my confusion. “Since he’s too hurt to ride his bike, I asked my family if we could take him to and from school until it gets better.” Before I can ask why Hinata’s own family can’t take him, Nishinoya—a bit too quickly—adds, ”His dad is too busy to take him that early, and his mom is away most of the time.” The speed at which he was prepared to defend Hinata is perplexing; maybe Daichi wasn’t too far off when he said something might be wrong at home.

 

The two wave goodbye as they get into a car, which I assume belongs to Nishinoya’s parents, and I begin my walk home. With how late it is, I’m surprised to see another student leaving at the same time as me. We approach the gate at the same time, and I see that it is a student in my class. “Ah, I know you. You’re Masaru, right?” 

 

He turns to me and smiles, “Oh, yeah. That’s me, Masaru Takashi. And you’re Sugawara Koushi. You sit three seats behind me, yeah?” I nod in response and strike up a conversation while we walk. Our routes are mostly similar, so it takes quite some time  before we split up. “It was nice chatting with you Suga, we should hang out sometime.”

 

I smile politely and reply, “I agree, maybe you could come watch some of our games.” We say final goodbyes and go our separate ways. The rest of my walk is spent in silence, the only thing disturbing this peaceful night is the flickering lights of lamposts I stride past. 

 

Lost in thought, I wander aimlessly, wanting to sort everything out before I get home. As I go, rain begins to fall, and I take shelter in a nearby convenience store. I give a small bow to the clerk, and browse the aisles while working through the issues I’ve been presented with. The most immediate concern is the new bruises Hinata was sporting when I saw him after practice. One theory I can think of is that someone purposefully hurt him, but I quickly shove that though aside; who would ever hurt such a nice person? Besides, he seemed much happier than someone who had been attacked would. I continue through the store at a slow pace, not really intending to buy anything, but hopefully wasting enough time for the rain to stop. Turning the corner I scan the shelves; my eyes fall upon a package containing thin strips of metal, and then widen in realization.

 

I rush out of the store, not even caring about the rain soaking through my clothes, and sprint the entire way home. As soon as I cross the threshold, I call out my arrival, and then quickly go to my room. I reach into my pocket and retrieve my phone, fumbling it in my haste. I manage to get it open, my eyes scanning my contact list until I see the name I want. It rings a few times, and as soon as I hear a soft click, I speak before the other has a chance to.

 

“Hinata’s cutting himself, isn’t he?” The other end of the line is dead silent, not even the sound of his breathing can be heard. I wait patiently for his response, knowing that something like this can’t be talked about lightly.

 

Eventually, our libero’s voice comes through.  _ “Sugawara-san. I don’t know what brought this on all of a sudden, but you know I can’t talk to you about this.” _ He may be keeping a promise, but this is something that Hinata shouldn’t be dealing with alone. Although I have faith in Nishinoya’s ability to help him, I’m still worried for the spiker’s safety.

 

With a frustrated groan I say, “Nishinoya there’s no point in keeping this up anymore. I saw a package of razors at the store and it all clicked . This is the only thing that could make you mad at Hinata while at the same time feeling incompetent as a senpai. You feel like you failed to protect him from something and that’s why he hurt himself. But you’re not the only one who’s worried. Let me help too.”

 

His voice cracks when he replies, and it sounds like he’s beginning to cry.  _ “I’m sorry Suga-san, I know you want to help, and I do want help. I don’t know if I can help him on my own, but if I break my promise and tell you, he might not trust me anymore. That would be even worse.” _ It’s rare to see Nishinoya get so emotional, although it’s not surprising that it’s caused by a teammate. 

 

I understand why he’s so worried about breaking this promise, but I’m not quite ready to give up. “I get it Nishinoya, but I figured it out on my own. You won’t be breaking your promise anymore if you talk to me. I also plan to talk to Hinata about this myself tomorrow, and I’m not going to say anything about this conversation. So please just give me a little more to work with.”

 

His breathing evens out within a few minutes, and when he has calmed down he replies,  _ “Okay. I’ll tell you what the promise we made was. But nothing else.”  _ I agree to his terms, so he continues.  _ “You’re right, Shouyou was cutting himself. God, I don’t even like saying it out loud, but it’s true. I found out that night after we all talked to him in the club room. When I asked him about it, he told me why he does it, but I convinced him to stop. He also made me agree not to tell anyone about it, and I’ve been checking him every day to make sure he really stopped.” _

 

Hearing that he doesn’t cut anymore is a huge relief to me, and I say, “Thank you Nishinoya. With any luck, I’ll be able to help you both starting tomorrow.” I say goodbye and end the call, my stomach gurgling unhelpfully to remind me that I haven’t eaten yet. I chuckle to myself and exit my room, only to find resistance when I try to push open the door. Sighing, I say, “You guys are adults. Should you really be trying to snoop on your son’s private life?”

 

My parents open the door and my dad answers, “We were just so worried. You came home later than usual and rushed straight into your room. You didn’t even eat first.” I roll my eyes at his excuse; both my parents are incredibly nosy, so I should’ve expected that I wouldn’t be able to get complete privacy.

 

“So how much did you guys hear?” I ask, hoping that the answer is none. Although they have more years of life experience, they lack the tact to deal with a situation like this properly, and knowing them they would try to find Hinata on their own. They always chase after anything that captures their interest; they’re fun parents, but a little too irresponsible if you ask me.

 

In response to my question, my mom pouts a bit and replies, “You were on the other side of the room weren’t you? It’s so hard to hear when you go all the way over there.” I sigh in relief; it seems they didn’t hear much, if anything.

 

Pushing past them I say, “Well thank you for that helpful tidbit of info. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m quite hungry.” I make my way into the kitchen, where my portion of dinner is sitting wrapped up on our countertop. I eat in silence, planning what I’m going to say to Hinata tomorrow when I see him. It has to be gentle enough that he won’t run off, but also firm enough that he knows how seriously I’m taking this situation. I’m sure Nishinoya will help me out somewhat, so it shouldn’t be  _ too _ difficult to make sure Hinata listens to me. I finish off my meal and return to my room to work on my homework. It keeps me up later than I hoped, but I manage to finish and finally lay down to go to sleep.

 

The next morning I am woken not by my alarm, but by the sun shining directly onto my face through my open curtains. Since I always keep my curtains closed, I assume this is some kind of petty revenge from my parents in regards to last night. I sigh, and wonder once more how such childish people managed to raise me to be so  _ un _ -childish. It’s better not to waste this extra time that’s been forced upon me, so I figure I’ll just end up at school a little earlier than usual. If nothing else I know Kageyama will be excited to enter the gym sooner than he’s used to.

 

It’s a short walk to school, the early in the morning making it even quicker since most people are still sleeping or preparing to leave for work. I smile and wave to the few people out and about, but my mind is completely focused on Hinata’s wellbeing. I don’t even notice when an arm wraps itself around my shoulder, and I turn my head to see Masaru matching my stride. “Oh! Masaru, what a pleasant surprise. I didn’t know you came to school this early.”

 

He retracts his arm and scowls, “Usually I don’t, but I skipped cleaning duty yesterday. The school called my folks and now they’re making me go in to do my share before class starts. What about you?” 

 

I laugh a bit at his admission of guilt, before giving my answer. “I told you that I play volleyball, right? I have club practice this morning, so I’m on my way to unlock the gym.” He’s genuinely shocked that we get up to practice this early in the morning, and the walk to school is spent the same way as our walk home yesterday. When we arrive, he goes off to the classroom and I make my way to the gym. I’ll have to make an effort to spend more time with him in the future, he seems like a really nice guy.

 

I arrive at the gym, and to my surprise there is no Kageyama waiting for me. Instead I see Nishinoya fidgeting nervously in front of the steps. Noticing me he comes over and says, “Suga-san, I may have messed up. Shouyou was staying at my house last night, and I think he heard me talking to you on the phone. He’s in the club room and I don’t know what I should do.”

 

I give Nishinoya the key to the gym and tell him, “Open up and start practice for when the others get here. I’ll deal with Hinata.” He nods and goes to perform his assigned task, while I make my way over to the club room, where I see Hinata standing at the foot of the stairs acting just like Nishinoya was a minute ago.

 

I walk up to him and say, “Hinata, there’s no need to be nervous. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not mad, but I want you to understand that I’m here to help.” He looks a bit shocked by my words and stands dumbfounded. I furrow my brow in confusion; didn’t he already know what Nishinoya told me?

 

“What do you mean Sugawara-san? I’m perfectly fine.” He plasters a smile on his face, and it hurts to realize that I’m learning to see through his fake ones. I think carefully before I open my mouth again, since it seems that he is nervous about something Nishinoya isn’t aware of.

 

I clear my throat before saying, “Hinata. I’ve figured out where those lines came from. I saw a pack of razors in a store and it clicked.” His eyes widen and he starts shaking his head, muttering something that I can’t quite make out. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

 

He yells, “Shut up! You don’t know anything!” and tries as best he can to run away. Despite how easy it would be to catch him, I choose not to; chasing after him would only make the situation worse. I make my way back to the gym and, by extension, Nishinoya, who leaves the conversation he was having with Asahi before making his way to me.

 

I gesture for him to follow me outside, and lead him to a space out of earshot from everyone in the gym. “Sorry Nishinoya, but I think I made the whole situation worse. I’m not sure what he was so nervous about, but I don’t think he heard us talking on the phone. I’m going to have to leave this to you for now, alright?” 

 

He breathes a sigh of relief, and responds, “You’ve got it Suga! I’ll try and figure out what had him so worked up too!” Nishinoya sprints back to the gym, considerably more upbeat than before, and I follow him. Making my way inside, it seems that practice has begun and everything is as it normally is. No one except our team knows how much we’re all hurting, and no one is hurting more than Hinata right now. I missed my first chance to help him, but there’s no way I’m giving up this easily. I may have to rely on Nishinoya for now, but soon enough I’ll get another chance, and when I do, I’ll make sure not to waste it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry about the late update. I'm starting to think that maybe I should just change my upload day at this point, but I'm going to try for Sunday one last time before I make that change. 
> 
> Anyways, for my answer to the question from last week, my favorite team captain is Terushima. I know he wasn't in the anime for very long, but I really liked how he was focused mainly on having fun. I myself am a lot like that, trying to find fun in everything.
> 
> Moving on to this week's question: If you were in Haikyuu, which team would you want to be on?


	8. Relationship Research

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama has been doing some research on how to be in a good relationship, but Hinata doesn't seem to be following everything he learned. When he gets a strange feeling after seeing Hinata spend time with Nishinoya, the only option is to confront him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings since this chapter is kinda happy. Don't get used to it.

Kageyama’s POV:

 

Practice has just ended, and I still can’t help but wonder where my boyfriend has been this whole time. It feels so weird to call him that now, but I guess that’s to be expected since we’ve only been dating for one day. While I change, I start worrying about how Hinata will react when he hears that I told the team about our relationship. It was an honest mistake, and I only intended to tell Suga-san, so it should be fine, right? I still don’t entirely understand why he wanted to keep it a secret, but he knows more about dating than I do, at least until I finish my research. I think back to the articles I read last night and the tips they gave to maintaining a healthy relationship. One that was brought up in almost every list was honesty, so I know that I have to come clean and tell Hinata about what I did.

 

With my mind made up, I wait for him just outside the school gates, growing more impatient as time passes by. I pass the time by watching volleyball videos on my phone, and after some time I hear a familiar voice. Looking up from my phone I see Hinata has exited the school, so I begin walking over to him. My progress stops however, when I see him get into a car with Nishinoya. A million thoughts race through my head, and I begin sweating nervously. Based on my research, Hinata shouldn’t be spending time with other people when I’m available, and should listen to me when I want to talk. What I see now goes against both of those things and an uncomfortable feeling rises up in my chest. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but I know that I want Nishinoya to leave Hinata alone.

 

By the time I’ve made up my mind to confront them, the car has already sped away, and I’m left standing on the sidewalk with anger coursing through me. I huff in frustration and begin walking home, causing more than a few people to avoid me in fear of the glare I have. Hinata has told me on several occasions that my face is scary; and I’ve inspected it in a mirror to see what he means, but I don’t see how it’s that bad. A child begins crying after seeing me, and I add another to my mental tally of twenty-six kids that have had that reaction. I think about revisiting the topic with Hinata, but then remember how he didn’t stay behind to talk, and my scowl grows fiercer.

 

Walking into my home I slam the door shut—my mom’s out on business for a few days, so I don’t have to worry about making too much noise. Without even taking my shoes off, I stomp upstairs into my room and immediately pull out my phone to call Hinata. I wait for him to pick up, but he never does, and despite two more attempts, it always sends me to voicemail. Fuming, I yell into the phone. “Dumbass! I needed to talk to you, and you just left! With someone else! You’d better explain yourself tomorrow or we’re breaking up! Wait for me in front of the club room before morning practice!” 

 

I decide to vent my frustrations with the most effective method I know: volleyball. I march to the backyard and practice serves, losing count sometime after fifty. I’m so focused that I don’t even notice the sun falling and moon rising until it becomes too dark to see. Panting, I hunch over and try to catch my breath, when I feel a small vibration in my pocket. I retrieve my phone from where I’d forgotten I left it, and see a text notification pop up. I open it and in Hinata’s usual messy typing read,  _ “OhMG Kags!!!! So so so sry bout that ur right, les talk tmrow! ( ゜ω゜)ゝ” _

 

Although I had calmed down somewhat, I feel another flash of anger that the idiot responded with a text instead of calling me back. I made the effort to try and talk with him and he won’t even do the same—instead he just sends a text! My body moves on reflex to continue practicing, but I stop myself once I realize it is far past time to do so safely. I grumble as I return to the house, and grab some instant noodles from the pantry to sate the hunger I’ve worked up. Once they are ready, I angrily eat them before moving to my room. 

 

As I walk through the house, I see the mess I left from not taking off my shoes, and sigh since I know my mom will be livid if she sees. I place my shoes in their proper place before retrieving the cleaning supplies from a closet and getting to work scrubbing everything down. As I clean, I bump into a nearby wall and a photo falls off of a shelf and onto my head. Rubbing the spot it hit, I glare at the picture frame, but it softens once I see the photo. It is a picture of my parents and me—all three of us smiling happily. Well, them smiling while I try my best not to scowl at the dumb idea of a family photo. Looking at the two of them so happy reminds me of something my mom once told me.

 

_ “Tobio, if you ever find yourself having feelings for someone, make sure you treat them nice.” I tilt my head in confusion, and she elaborates. “I mean make sure you always listen to them. Don’t get mad without hearing their side of the story. And most importantly never do anything that could hurt them, physically or emotionally.” I’m still  a bit confused, but I nod and go back to playing with my volleyball. Why would I waste my time on having feelings for some weirdo when I could practice instead? _

 

I chuckle at the thought of past me, and how until a few days ago I never would’ve considered dating anyone. Hinata somehow changed that for me, and I feel a pang of guilt that I immediately jumped to getting mad at him. I would call and apologize right away, but when I remember how I woke him up the other night, I opt to wait until I see him tomorrow. After returning the photo to the shelf, I quickly finish up my cleaning and take a shower before returning to my room. I vaguely notice a few papers sticking out of my school bag, but choose to forgo my homework in favor of sleep.

 

Saddled by the weight of my guilt towards Hinata, my dreams are less than pleasant, and I find myself going through various scenarios where I’ve hurt him. I wake up more than once that night, and each dream remains vividly in my imagination. It shocks me that I am more concerned about Hinata’s feelings than my own, but I hope that he’ll be understanding when I explain things to him. When my alarm rings to wake me for practice, I’ve barely gotten any sleep and I tiredly get ready for the day ahead. With how sleepy I am, I doze off a few times while going through my morning routine, causing me to depart behind schedule.

 

I make my way to school, and decide that stopping at a convenience store to get some coffee on my way might be a good idea. I enter the store, and luckily there aren’t many other customers, so I get my coffee and leave without much fuss, sipping it as I continue my journey to school. The coffee does its job well enough, and by the time I reach my destination I am awake enough to make it through the day. I am also awake enough to realize that I’m late for morning practice, so I dispose of the coffee and sprint to the gym. Upon my arrival, Suga walks up to me with Nishinoya in tow. I feel my anger towards the libero rising, but try to fight it off until I can hear Hinata’s explanation.

 

That reminds me that I was supposed to meet Hinata before practice began, but a look around the room shows me that he isn’t here. Suga interrupts my train of thought. “Oh Kageyama, I was wondering where you were. Have you seen Hinata anywhere? I tried to talk to him earlier, but he seemed really nervous and ran off.” I feel the guilt pooling in my stomach once more, knowing that it’s probably my fault he was nervous.

 

“No, I haven’t seen him Suga-san. I actually only just arrived. I think I might know what he was so nervous about though.” Suga and Nishinoya converse quietly for a bit, and I wait impatiently for them to finish talking. They nod to each other, and Suga returns to practice.

 

I try to follow him, but Nishinoya puts an arm out to stop me and says, “Hold on Kageyama. We’re gonna go find Shouyou.” Before I can argue that we can just look for him later, Nishinoya pipes up. “Suga’s orders Kageyama. You wouldn’t want to upset him, would you?” I’m reminded of the one time I’ve seen Suga get mad at someone, and immediately agree with no further protests.

 

Thankfully it was still near the beginning of morning practice when we left, so there is still about an hour to find Hinata before school starts. We scour the school grounds, starting with the area by the club room. While we search, Nishinoya briefs me on the exchange Suga had with Hinata earlier. He also talks about how they’ve been spending time together recently; and I get angrier the more I hear him talk about  _ my _ boyfriend until I snap. “Nishinoya-san stop talking about Hinata!” My outburst startles him, and he quiets down while we continue the search. 

 

I know that it’s unfair to be mad at Nishinoya without actually knowing what I’m mad about, but it feels like he’s stealing Hinata from me. If I don’t get a chance to clear things with Hinata soon, I think I’ll reach a boiling point and do something I might regret. These feelings are weird for me; I’ve never felt like I don’t want to lose someone before. We look around the club room and gym, even searching in some classrooms. Our efforts are wasted, as before we can find him the first bell rings. Knowing that we won’t have time to keep looking and change into our uniforms, we have no choice but to end our investigation in failure.

 

I’ve never been the best student, but I usually at least  _ try _ to pay attention in class. However, today I'm too distracted by my thoughts about Hinata to even pretend to listen to whatever my teachers say. I never thought that I would want to be in the same class as that dumbass, but right now I want nothing more. I spend each class staring at the clock, watching as it ticks ever closer to lunch—the time where I can finally see Hinata. When the lunch bell rings, I am the first one up from my seat and out the door, rushing to our spot. It’s no surprise that I arrive before Hinata, after all, I rushed here as fast I could, and he’s still limping all over the place. What  _ does _ as a surprise is when I see Hinata walk around the corner with Nishinoya in tow.

 

When they reach me, I am startled by Hinata’s appearance, namely the assortment of new bruises all over him. “Dumbass what happened to you?!” He yelps and hides behind Nishinoya, who in turn shoves him towards me before saying a quick goodbye and running off.

 

Hinata looks in the direction where Nishinoya ran with a confused face, but when I approach him he turns towards me with fear. “Waaah! I’m sorry Kageyama, don’t hit me!” He throws up his hands to protect himself, and I try to reign my anger in a bit.    
  
I take a few deep breaths before asking again. “What happened? You have bruises all over?” He looks down at his body as if he had forgotten they were even there, before giving me an unnaturally large smile. I am slightly creeped out by the way his face looks, and how his eyes seem to be shining brighter than I’ve ever seen—almost like he’s proud of the injuries.

 

“Don’t worry about it Kageyama! Everything is great!” He pats my shoulder as he says this, but I can’t shake how weird it is that he’s so happy when talking about getting hurt. I try to ignore it, however, because I still need to speak with him about yesterday.

 

“Well, if you say so. Now I want you to explain what happened yesterday. And why have you been spending so much time around Nishinoya?” I am shocked by the accusatory tone coming out of my mouth, but It seems that Hinata was expecting it.

 

He looks me straight in the eyes and says, “Nishinoya has been giving me rides to and from school since I can’t ride my bike with my leg like this.” Oh, so that explains why they were in the car together. I feel a little silly now that I know the truth.

 

I tear my gaze away from his in embarrassment. “Oh. I’m sorry for accusing you. It’s just that everything I read said that you should spend time with your boyfriend whenever you can.” It is silent for a moment, then he begins laughing loudly, much like when he found out I had a crush.

 

“Bakageyama, you can’t research how to be in a relationship. You just have to do what feels right.” He nods to himself as he says this, and I notice he gets a far off look for a moment. He focuses on me again and adds, “Anyways, if you ever get confused you should ask for help. Feelings are tricky, so you might end up hurting others if you’re not careful.”

 

The pained look he sports as he says this confuses me, but I reply, “All right, I get it. But you never answered why you spend so much time with Nishinoya.” His face goes from pained to panicked, and I wonder what they could possibly be doing to cause that sort of reaction.

 

He stutters when he responds. “Uh, w-well. We just, uh, hang out. There’s not any special reason. I like y-. Uh, don’t worry about it.” That sounds very suspicious, but I really want to trust Hinata. I can’t think of any reason why he would lie about this, so I’ll take him at his word for now.

 

The remainder of lunch passes in relative peace, and although I’m not completely satisfied with how our conversation ended, I’m at least happy that we got to talk some things out. I read that communication is a sign of a healthy relationship, so if we keep going how we are then everything should be fine. When the bell rings, I walk him back to class before returning to my own. The rest of the day goes by mostly the same, although I do have an easier time focusing on afternoon classes. Eventually, the final bell rings and I make my way to practice, running into Suga on the way.

 

We chat as we go along, until I see Hinata up ahead walking with a large student. Suga seems to know him because he calls out. “Oh Masaru! I wasn’t aware that you were acquainted with Hinata.”

 

The two jump in surprise as we approach, although Hinata’s is more of a stumble due to his leg. They look at each other before this other student, Masaru apparently, speaks up. “Oh uh, yeah We met the other day when I saw him coming out of the infirmary.” 

 

He follows his statement with a glare at Hinata, who quickly pipes up. “That’s right! He helped me get to my class since I had just gotten crutches.” I look over the two of them and notice a few odd things about them. My people skills are somewhat lacking, but I know that Hinata usually clings to his friends, and he’s keeping at least a small distance between them at all times. It isn’t unusual for Hinata to befriend random people, but this one in particular seems a bit… rougher than others.

 

Suga strikes up an amicable conversation with this other student; it seems they’re in the same class. During this time, I take the opportunity to inspect him. He’s pretty tall, I would estimate at least one hundred and eighty centimeters, and he has dark hair that reaches just above his shoulders. Black maybe? It looks like it was dyed to get that color, and with how unkempt it is I’m guessing he doesn’t do much to take care of it.  His eyes are a dark green, and if they didn’t look so cold and distant it would probably be a really comforting sight. His hands are covered in various marks: scabs, bruises, and scars. He wears a torn jacket under his school uniform, which he leaves unbuttoned. His pants are tattered, and rolled up a bit at the bottoms. The whole ensemble gives him a sort of a thuggish vibe, and it isn’t the look I would expect of someone spending time with Hinata.

 

Hinata cuts into Suga’s conversation. “Uh, it was nice to see you Suga-senpai, but we have to go now.” He limps off as fast as he is able, and Masaru bows politely before following after him. I’m not sure exactly what the deal is with him, but I get a very bad feeling just from being around him.

 

“Well, I suppose that means Hinata isn’t coming to watch practice today either. Shall we get going Kageyama?” Suga asks, and I nod in response. We keep walking to the gym, but I turn to look behind me where Hinata and Masaru went off to. Shaking it off as just a bad feeling, I try to ignore it and get myself focused for practice.

 

We arrive slightly late, and Suga lets everyone know that Hinata will be absent again; the news is met with a few murmurs of surprise, but no one makes a huge fuss. We practice the same as always, but my mind keeps going back to that Masaru person Hinata was with. I can’t bring myself to trust him even a bit, and it’s pretty rare for me to trust my instincts, but in this case I feel there is no other choice. When we have a water break, Nishinoya and Tanaka saunter up to me and wrap their arms around my shoulders. “Hey there lover-boy. Who would’ve thought our little Kageyama would be the first one to get a date?” Tanaka begins.

 

Nishinoya laughs and continues, “Yeah. You and Shouyou are so cute together, but we have to ask.” They both lower their voices and at the same time say, “Have you guys done it yet?”

 

I spit out the water I was drinking, and try to collect myself as the two work themselves into hysterics. “Shut up! At least someone wants to date me!” The two sputter in response, and I smirk with satisfaction. 

 

When we’ve all regained our usual composure, the two stop joking around as much and Tanaka playfully jabs me in the ribs with his elbow and asks, “So have you guys even gone on a date yet?” I was hoping they would drop this topic of conversation after they finished joking, but it seems that luck isn’t on my side today.

 

“No we haven’t.” I reply, “We only got together two days ago. Do people normally go on dates that early?” I’m a bit wary about asking  _ these _ two for relationship advice, but if nothing else they can teach me what  _ not _ to do. 

 

They both spring up and clap their hands, before  Nishinoya exclaims, “Don’t you worry Kageyama! Just leave everything to your senpai!” 

 

Tanaka notices my look of confusion and continues, “We’ll teach you everything you need to know about how to plan the perfect date.” I can already see where this is going, and I’m very sure that I don’t like it. “Welcome to Ryu’s dating school, where Nishinoya-sensei will teach you everything you need to know about dating.” 

 

Nishinoya begins talking more formally than I thought he was capable of. “Many thanks, headmaster Ryu! Now young Kageyama-kun, you and Shouyou have been dating for two days.”

 

His ‘lesson’ is cut short by a small voice from the doorway. “You told them? But you promised to keep it secret.” I turn my head to see a crestfallen Hinata, tears creeping out of the corners of his eyes. The gym is silent, and when Hinata begins crying seriously, he tries to run away. I follow after him as quickly as I can, but his leg must be healing faster than we thought, because he is surprisingly fast at this moment.

 

I chase him for several minutes, until he finally trips and I manage to catch up to him. I grab him and he struggles to escape my grasp, but I don’t let him go. “Just stop moving and let me talk!” He keeps struggling, but the lack of exercise this past week have given him a smaller energy reserve than usual, and he can’t keep it up for long. “Look, I’m sorry that I told them, but it was an accident. I was debating whether I should tell Suga, because I wanted advice on how to be a good boyfriend. I didn’t mean to yell it out.”

 

We’re both breathing heavily, and I wonder why he was so insistent on not telling anyone about us. Every reason I come up with is unpleasant, but I want to hear it from his mouth. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t realize you were putting so much effort into this, but I was just scared. What if they wouldn’t accept us. Don’t you know that a lot of people are homophobic?” I don’t even have to tell him that I have no clue what that word means, because he answers on his own. “It means they hate people like us. People who like the same gender. And I was scared that the team would reject us.”

 

I can’t say I feel the same fear—I’m honestly surprised he does—but at least now I understand his wishes a little better. We get up off the ground, and I try to speak, but before I can even form a full sentence, the entire team bursts out of the gym doors to console Hinata and reassure him that they would never be so callous. I was so focused on catching him, that I never noticed Hinata was just running circles around the gym. Hinata is smiling with relief while the team surrounds us, and the whole scene brings a smile to my face.

 

Eventually we are broken up by Takeda-sensei, who had come running from the main building as usual. “Oh? Why is everyone out here? Practice shouldn’t be over for another twenty minutes. Well as long as we’re all here, I’ll just remind everyone that we leave for Tokyo tomorrow. Make sure to get here on time, and bring enough to last a week.”

 

Any hope of returning to practice is lost with that statement, as everyone is too excited about the training camp. After a quick tidying up, the gym looks as spotless as ever, and we all prepare to go home. Hinata and I hang back from the others, and I say, “You know I really am sorry right?”

 

He gives me a small smile and replies, “Geez Kageyama, why so sentimental all of a sudden? But yes, I know, and I forgive you.” In that moment—when it’s just the two of us—I feel like everything’s right with the world, and nothing could take away the happiness I feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah okay so Sunday updates aren't a thing anymore. I'm just gonna update once a week, whatever day it ends up being is up in the air. Sorry if that seems a little too lose, but I can at least guarantee a somewhat regular schedule this way.
> 
> Anyways, moving on to my answer to last week's question. I would want to be on Karasuno, just because I love them all so much. Hinata and Noya are my favorite characters, so I would love being able to spend time with them.
> 
> Also no one is really answering the questions, so I'm probably just gonna use end notes for... something I'll think of later. Welp, until next week guys!


	9. The Training Camp Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata finally shares his thoughts on the past few days, and begins to realize things might not work out exactly as expected. Luckily for him, the Tokyo training camp is starting up again, so he will have plenty of things to take his mind off his troubles. But things can never be that easy for the poor sunshine, and he just hopes one little mistake won't blow up in his face later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Alcohol, Referenced Cutting, Blood, Bullying, Hallucinations, Suicidal Thoughts

Hinata’s POV:

 

The wind gets knocked out of me as I’m slammed against the wall, and I never thought I’d be so happy to get hurt. While I struggle to breathe, Masaru sneers above me and growls. “You’re a weird one. People don’t usually smile when I beat them up.” He follows this up by throwing me on the ground and kicking me hard in the stomach. “Well, it doesn’t matter to me. If anything, it makes it easier for me to punish trash like you.” He laughs to himself as I sit there patiently, waiting for his next rush of blows. He crouches down and spits in my face, before roughly grabbing my wrist in a vice grip, yanking me up. I yelp in pain, his rough skin rubbing against my cuts stings, and I know there will be a bruise from how tight his hold is. “Finally you’re making it fun. I just need to hit you harder.” He continues his assault, attacking me in places my dad has never dared to touch for fear of being found out. It hurts more than usual; those parts of my body haven’t built up the pain tolerance the rest of me has. I cry out in pain, and I can tell that Masaru is thoroughly enjoying himself right now, but that doesn’t matter to me. All that matters is I finally feel like I’m getting what I deserve, and I didn’t break my promise to Nishinoya. When he’s satisfied with the pain inflicted upon me, he walks away with one final message. “I’ll come pick you up from class tomorrow, so make sure you wait for me.”

 

He walks away and I lay in place for a while, not really bothering to keep track of how much time passes. I haven’t ached this much in years—not since my dad first started punishing me—but it’s a great weight off my shoulders that I get to feel like I’m being properly punished. I understand Nishinoya was just trying to look out for me, but if I hadn’t found this loophole, I don’t know how much longer I would’ve been able to keep my promise. After waiting around for a while, I pick myself up and dust off my clothes. I walk over to where my bag fell, collecting all my things that had fallen out when it was dropped abruptly before making my way to the gym with a spring in my step.

 

Turning the final corner, I see Nishinoya talking with Sugawara, and once they notice me both come rushing over. With panicked voices they ask about my bruises, and I reply with an honest smile for once. “Don’t worry about it Nishinoya-senpai! I just figured out how to solve a problem I was having trouble with!” They drop the subject, but I can tell that neither one is quite ready to accept my words at face value. That’s fine though, because I feel happier than I have in a long time. Nishinoya and I say goodbye to Sugawara, informing him of my transportation situation before going to where his dad is waiting in the car.

 

I sit in silence for most of the ride, answering questions about my day when asked, but mostly staring out the window and listening to the other two speak. As we drive, every bump in the road, and every tight turn causes me some sort of pain. I do my best to hide it, but I notice Nishinoya glancing at me every now and then. I give him weak smiles in return, and he continues his conversation like nothing happened, but I have a feeling he’ll bring it up later. Staring at the mountain scenery through the window, I am hit with a sudden pang of guilt at the realization that I can't tell Nishinoya about Masaru. I promised to be honest with him, but if I tell him how I got hurt he'll probably make me stop. In a worst case scenario, he might even confront Masaru himself, possibly getting injured. I couldn't bear the thought of a friend getting hurt because of me. I resolve to keep it a secret, even if it means breaking my promise.

 

The car eventually comes to a stop outside my house and I thank Nishinoya's father for the ride before maneuvering out of the car and making my way to the front door. Before I get very far, I hear a car door shut behind me, turning around to see Nishinoya jogging up to me. "Did you need something Nishinoya-san?"

 

"Nothing in particular. I just thought we could chat for a few minutes before I leave." His statement worries me, because I know he wants to ask more about the new bruises I have. 

 

Knowing that it's pointless to resist, I continue on my way and unlock the door, only for a strong stench of alcohol to waft from the interior. This isn't the first time I've come home to this, and every time it ends badly. These are the nights that make me question if I really deserve this much suffering. I hesitate in the doorway, and when I feel Nishinoya pushing me forward I try to resist, but with my leg injured as it is, the effort is wasted. After he pushes me into the house he walks around me and says, “Your room is this way, right?” I nod in response, but stay rooted in the same spot; which he notices, coming back to pull me along.

 

Crossing the threshold into my bedroom, I finally move on my own for the first time since arriving home. Quickly closing the door and pushing a chair under the handle so it can’t be opened, I grab Nishinoya and put as much distance between us and the door as I can. If I was the only one here then I would accept my fate, but I can’t put him through that. Nishinoya looks at me questioningly but when I open my mouth to speak, I realize that he still doesn’t know about what my dad does. I try to think of an explanation for my behavior, but when I can’t come up with one I make a suggestion. “Senpai you should go now. I’ll walk you out.” 

 

I usher him in the direction of the exit, but he stands firm, and sends a disapproving look my way. “Shouyou, is there something you’re not telling me?” I break out into a nervous sweat, even though I knew he would ask questions.

 

While I fumble around for a response, he waits patiently, and eventually I manage to get out a few words. “I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you about it. I know that breaks my promise but there’s a good reason.” If I involve him any more than I already am, he will end up in danger, so I really hope he understands and just lets this slide. 

 

He sighs but puts his hands up in a mock gesture of surrender. “Alright, fine. If you really can’t tell me I won’t pry. But in exchange you have to ask Kageyama if you can stay at his house tonight.” 

 

I squeak out a loud, “What?!” before composing myself a little and asking, “Why would you want me to stay at Kageyama’s tonight?” I really don’t understand where this came from, unless Kageyama let it slip that we started dating. I really hope that’s not the case; I can’t have the team hate me. 

 

I start panicking a bit, and all the feelings from a few days ago come rushing back, despite all my attempts to stop them. Nishinoya immediately notices my breathing start to pick up, and quickly says, “Ah wait Shouyou! It was a joke, that’s all. I actually want you to stay at my place so we can go over some new volleyball drills. Maybe I’ll even teach you Rolling Thunder!” It takes a little bit, but he manages to help me calm down. I’m suddenly very tired after that episode, so I don’t notice Nishinoya packing a bag for me until he asks, “Are you okay now? All set to go?”

 

It takes me a moment to realize what he’s talking about, but when I see the large bag slung over his shoulder I remember what he mentioned earlier. “Oh, I don’t want to impose on you Nishinoya-san.” His stern look quiets me down without any further protest, and I decide that it would be rude to say no after he already went to the trouble of packing a bag for me. 

 

I follow Nishinoya down the stairs, and when we are just over halfway down, a loud crash resounds from the kitchen. I urge him to pick up the pace, and luckily he gets the hint and starts taking the steps three at a time. I can’t follow his example with my injury, but I do speed up as much as I’m able. As we’re making our way to the door, we hear another crash, and Just before we exit the house, a glass bottle smashes into the wall right next to me. I push Nishinoya out the front door and quickly close and lock it, before turning to see my dad standing unsteadily across the room.

 

“C’mere Natsu-chan.” He gestures to me with his hand, and I slowly begin shuffling over to him. These are the worst days, when I can’t tell if he’s just confused or the universe has decided this is an appropriate way to punish me. Regardless, I should’ve known it wouldn’t be possible to get away from this,. In his hands is a new outfit, which I would be thrilled to receive, if it wasn’t an extremely revealing maid costume. I ignore the pounding and screams coming from the door, and grab the outfit when my dad holds it out for me. I try to go towards the bathroom to put it on, but he grabs my arm and says, “No. Here.”

 

I shudder under his lustful gaze, and turn away from him so I can keep at least some dignity. I start by removing my shirt, but before I finish taking it off, my dad’s phone rings. He growls and says that he’ll be right back, but I put my shirt back on and get to the front door as fast as I can. I unlock it to see a fuming Nishinoya standing there, but when he notices my panicked look and messy clothes, he pulls me towards the car, where we both pile in and he yells, “Drive dad!” His dad is startled by the outburst, but complies and speeds away.

 

Once we’ve gotten a decent distance from the house, both Nishinoya and his father question me about what happened, although the younger is much louder and intense. “What the heck was going on Shouyou?! First you lock me out, then when you finally open the door again you look like a mess! Not to mention the entire house reeked of booze!” I don’t even bother coming up with a response, still shaken after what almost happened back at the house. After a while of not receiving an answer, Nishinoya gives up questioning me, but his aura of irritation can be felt throughout the car. His dad never questions why I’m staying at their house tonight—which I’m grateful for—so the ride is mostly silent. 

 

On our way to his house, I ponder what I just did. For the first time in my life, I’ve actually escaped being punished. I’m unsure of what this could mean for me, after all, I never resisted before because I thought I deserved it. I still _know_ I deserve it. So why was I presented with a way to escape, and why did I take it? With such complicated thoughts invading my head, it’s no surprise that I don’t notice we’ve arrived until the door opposite me slams shut and I see Nishinoya marching angrily to his front door. I feel horrible that I’ve made my friend upset, but although I am prepared to let this guilt stew in my stomach, his father is not so inclined. “Don’t worry about my foolhardy son. He always gets like this when he’s frustrated about something. I’d bet my life’s savings he’ll be back to normal within the hour.” He gives me a reassuring smile and we both exit the car to follow his son.

 

I grab the bag that was prepared for me, and follow Nishinoya’s dad through the door and to my friend’s room. Depositing the bag at the foot of his bed, I look around the room and see that it’s rather messy. There are lots of volleyball posters hung haphazardly all over, and a mountain of dirty clothes piled around what appears to be a suffocating laundry bin. Most people would probably find it a little gross, but I think it’s very fitting for the wild tornado that is our libero, and I find it comforting. My short reprieve is interrupted by that same noisy libero barreling into the room and bowing low. “I’m sorry for how I acted Shouyou! I didn’t think about your feelings, please forgive me!” 

 

“Ah, it’s fine Noya-san. You’re just worried about me, and it’s my fault that you got mad. You probably don’t want me to stay here anymore. I’ll walk home, so don’t worry about me.” He grabs my arm before I can walk away, but I don’t turn around. “Just let me go Nishinoya-san. Nobody wants to spend time with someone who always makes them angry.” I try to pull my arm away, but he tightens his grip. I can feel his hesitation; he likely doesn’t want to hurt me, but it’s nothing compared to what I’ve felt in the past.

 

“No, you’re wrong. I don’t know where you got the idea that you always make me mad, but even if you did I would still let you stay here. You’re an important friend, and I won’t abandon you. Even if you can’t talk to me, I’ll just wait until you can.” As soon as he finishes speaking I turn towards him, trying not to let out the tears that threaten to spill over. He pulls me into a hug, but I just stand there limply. I don’t deserve the comfort he’s giving me, or how nice he’s being, or anything other than the pain I’ve gotten used to. He realizes I’m not reciprocating the hug, so he releases me. 

 

I need some time alone to sort through my thoughts, so I ask, “Nishinoya-san can I use your shower?” He directs me to his bathroom, and once he closes the door I disrobe and let the water flow over me. I start washing myself at a slow pace, not quite ready to deal with my own thoughts and feelings. I scrub myself clean, but for some reason I don’t feel anything; even when pressing into my injuries they just feel… numb. I press harder into them, trying to feel the pain I’ve grown accustomed to, but when it doesn’t work I begin picking at the scabs that have formed from earlier this week. Peeling them gives me only a little sting, but I’ll take what I can get. I rip off each one, and blood begins flowing down my body as I tear them from my skin. When I hear the door open once again, I stop in my tracks, and try to rinse myself off quickly, but I’m unsuccessful. “Hey Shouyou, I forgot to bring you a towel. You all good in th- Oh my god! Why are you bleeding so much?!”

 

I take a moment to cover myself up, and then inspect myself to see that I’m bleeding much more than I thought I was. “Oh. I was picking at my scabs, and I guess this happened.” He gives me a disapproving look, one that I’m becoming used to.

 

He exits the bathroom, but not before saying, “Rinse yourself off. After that I’ll bandage you up.” With him no longer in the room, I sigh to myself for not realizing how bad I looked until he told me. I comply with his request, and then dry myself off with the towel he brought in for me. I get dressed and open the door to get Nishinoya, but I see him standing a bit off to the side on the phone with someone. I can’t quite make out what he’s saying, but I decide to brush it off and try to bandage myself up on my own. It’s a little difficult, but I’ve had enough practice before to patch myself up decently enough, and I make a mental note to try and get some more bandages to replace the ones I’ve used.

 

As I'm finishing up, Nishinoya reenters the bathroom and says, “Sorry Shouyou, I didn’t realize the shower had turned off. Let’s get you all bandaged up now.” I hold up my arms wrapped messily to show him that I’m already done, but he gently grabs them and undoes my work before deftly fixing them.

 

My face turns down into a pout, but I allow him to do as he pleases, only now realizing that I have lost all ability to go against Nishinoya. Once he is done with the work, he gives me a smile and we head back to his room, making idle chatter as we go. “Who were you talking to on the phone earlier, Noya-san?”

 

He can’t hide the shock on his face when he replies, “You saw me?” I giggle a bit and answer in the affirmative, and he looks worried for a moment before smiling awkwardly and saying, “I was just talking to Suga-san. He wanted to talk about practice tomorrow morning.” I don’t understand why it worried him that I knew about his phone call, but I trust him. That’s when it suddenly dawns on me; it’s not that I can’t go against Nishinoya. It’s that I trust him so much that I don’t want to. I feel bad that I’m betraying that trust by lying and keeping things from him, and I’m starting to understand that maybe I was wrong when I said no one would suffer if I let Masaru hurt me.

 

Upon returning to Nishinoya’s room, I check my bag and grab my phone, seeing a few missed calls from Kageyama, and a voicemail. I step outside for a moment to listen, and once it starts his angry voice comes through. _"_ _Dumbass! I needed to talk to you, and you just left! With someone else! You’d better explain yourself tomorrow or we’re breaking up! Wait for me in front of the club room before morning practice!”_ I drop my phone and start shaking nervously. I never thought Kageyama would be so mad about me spending time with someone else. I know him better than most people do, and him acting like this is likely because he’s worried I’ll abandon him like his old team. This only further reinforces the thought that my plan would bring suffering to others too.

 

My hands still shaking, I pick up my phone and type out a reply, all while holding back tears. Once I hit send however, they start flowing freely, and my body is wracked by sobs. I try to muffle myself with my hand so I don’t bother Nishinoya or his family, but when the door behind me opens and Nishinoya pokes his head out, I know I’ve failed. “Shouyou, are you alright?”

 

My only reply is a shaking of the head, and he reassuringly places a hand on my shoulder.  Unfortunately, it is at this point that his mother yells for us to come to dinner, so I compose myself as best I can before we make our way to the dining room. His parents don’t question my puffy eyes, and I wonder how this family can be so considerate of someone who isn’t even their own son. It reminds me a little bit of the few memories I have of when my mom was still around, but who knows where she went off to. I don’t eat much despite Nishinoya’s insistence that I need more to keep my energy up; and I spend most of dinner lost in my thoughts about my current situation. Everything was so simple before Nishinoya showed up at my house that night. I knew what I was supposed to do, and I was willing to let it happen. But now I’m so confused by everything, and there’s a part of me that wants to escape this eternal suffering. 

 

I excuse myself from dinner early, and leave them to go lay down on the futon they set out in Nishinoya’s room. I focus on trying to figure out what I should be doing now, but with everything that happened today, my brain is too fried to properly work through any issues. I hear footsteps approaching the door, and close my eyes, pretending to be asleep. Nishinoya enters and turns off the light before sliding into his bed, carefully stepping around me as he does. When I hear my name suddenly come from his lips, I worry that he knows I’m faking sleep, but instead he just seems to be thinking aloud. “Shouyou, I’m not sure exactly what’s going on with you, but I’ll protect you.” I bite my lip to stop any sobs from coming out, and his words make me feel safer than I can ever remember being. Not long after, my breathing slows and I find myself succumbing to the darkness of sleep.

 

Waking up in the morning is a pleasant surprise, because I once again didn’t have any nightmares. It might seem silly, but I really think that Nishinoya somehow helps with them, after all, the two times we slept in the same room, I had no issues. Getting ready for school is the same as any other day, but when I grab my phone from where it had been charging, I remember that Kageyama told me to wait for him, and he sounded _very_ angry. My nervousness is noticed by Nishinoya, who asks how I’m doing, but my only response is to loudly yell, “Phone!” Now I’m nervous, and slightly embarrassed, but I don’t get a chance to correct myself because he gets the same worried look from last night and excuses himself from the room. We pile into the car, but there is a strange energy flowing between us, and it makes the ride very awkward. 

 

When we arrive at school, we both go to the club room, although I stay outside to wait while Nishinoya deposits his belongings. Once he’s ready, he goes to the gym, while I stay where I am, my nervousness only increasing with each passing moment. After a while, Sugawara jogs over to me and says,  “Hinata, there’s no need to be nervous. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not mad, but I want you to understand that I’m here to help.” I’m shocked that he would suddenly bring this up out of nowhere, and I stare at him, mouth agape, for a few moments. 

 

He looks confused when I reply that I’m fine, but I make sure to smile so he thinks my words are genuine. The next thing to come out of his mouth confirms my worst fears: he somehow figured out about what I was doing to myself. This situation couldn’t possibly be any worse, so I shout at him before fleeing the scene. I can’t move fast with an injured leg, but that doesn’t matter to me right now. I don’t pay attention to where I go, and eventually I end up outside the library. It’s not a place I would usually go, but since I’m already here I walk in and am surprised to see Yachi sitting at a table reading.

 

I try to leave before she notices me, but my luck must be terrible, because I’m just a few steps away from the door when she looks up. “Hinata? What are you doing here? I thought you didn’t like studying.” Despite my internal frustration, I smile and make my way over to her, taking an empty seat as she closes the book she was focusing on.

 

“Heya Yachi-san. I was just wandering the school since I can’t participate in practice. It’s too boring to just wait around doing nothing.” She accepts this answer, and nods her head before I speak again. “Why are you here? Shouldn’t you be watching practice? And what’s that book you’re reading?”

 

She gets flustered at my questions, but manages to reply to each. “Oh you know, I just wanted to read this book that Shimizu-senpai lent me. She said it was fine for me to skip practice because of it. It’s uh, a book about being a manager. She thought it might help me learn a few things.” 

 

Forgetting that I’m supposed to be quiet, I loudly exclaim, “That’s so cool Yachi!” I am shushed by everyone in the library, and I hang my head before saying, “I guess I don’t really mix well with libraries. I’ll probably just go to my classroom now.” We say goodbye, and I begin walking to my classroom. Now that I’ve calmed down a bit, I remember that I was supposed to meet Kageyama outside the club room, but it’s too late for that now. Hopefully he won’t be too mad, and we can just talk at lunch. I can also ask Nishinoya to come with me to help me feel less nervous.

 

When I arrive at my classroom there is still a while before school starts, so only the more serious students are actually there. I whip out my phone to text Nishinoya about meeting me outside my classroom for lunch, and after some time he replies saying that he’ll be there. It fills me with relief once I see it, but I don’t have much time to revel in the feeling because the first bell rings, so I pull out the things I will need for class. Everything is completely normal until lunchtime, but as the day goes on my anxiety about confronting Kageyama grows. I’m just happy that I’ll at least have Nishinoya there to help.

 

When the bell for lunch rings, I hang around longer than usual to give Nishinoya a chance to arrive, and once he does we make our way to the spot Kageyama and I usually eat. As we approach, he notices the setter waiting up ahead. We stop right in front of him, and the first thing he does is yell at me about the new bruises. I hide behind Nishinoya—this is why I brought him after all— but he says, “You should talk with Kageyama, I’ll see you later.” and then pats me on the back, sprinting away before I have a chance to ask where he’s going.

 

Turning to face Kageyama, I take a deep breath and reply that my injuries are nothing to worry about, and I smile about the fact that my plan seems to be working so far. Although the smile fades a bit when I remember that it doesn’t seem to be as foolproof a plan as I thought. Despite my initial fear, our conversation goes fairly well, and I actually find it pretty funny when he tells me that he tried to research how to be in a relationship. The end of our conversation, however, causes a bit of a problem when he says, “All right, I get it. But you never answered why you spend so much time with Nishinoya.” 

 

I panic a bit and try to reply, but can’t do so without stuttering. “ “Uh, w-well. We just, uh, hang out. There’s not any special reason. I like y-.” I stop myself before finishing that sentence; it wouldn’t be fair to tell Kageyama I have feelings for him when I really don’t. Just another problem in my plan that I was too blind to see, and another reinforcement that I only bring suffering to those around me. “Uh, don’t worry about it.” I expect him to press for more information, but to my surprise he drops the subject, and we finish lunch in peace. 

 

The remaining classes of the day are pretty boring, and I end up dozing off a few times. I manage to make it through the day, and once school ends I wait in class once more. I haven’t forgotten that Masaru told me he’d come get me, so I sit around until all the other students are gone, and he shows up. Without a word he gestures towards the door, and I follow him quietly. We begin walking to the same secluded spot from yesterday, but we are noticed by Kageyama and Suga. We manage to convince them that the two of us are just unlikely friends, and escape before they can ask any important questions.

 

Once we arrive, Masaru pushes me to the ground and nearly shouts, “You didn’t tell anyone about this right? I’d hate to see what would happen to those legs you treasure so much if you did.” He accentuates his point by pulling out a switchblade, and I gulp, knowing that he would make good on that threat.

 

“No I didn’t, I promise. I didn’t even know that you and Suga-senpai knew each other.” He smiles before pocketing the knife and kicking me hard in the stomach, making me cough and wheeze. The next thing I feel is another kick, this time to the face; it seems that this time he’s trying to hurt me worse than before. He continues his relentless assault, punches and kicks and whatever else he thinks of. At one point he hits my injured leg, and I cry out in pain; the twisted smile he sports doesn’t bode well for me. 

 

“Why didn’t little Sho tell me he already had an injury? You’d better let me take a look at it.” He yanks me up by the leg, and the pain is unbearable as he dangles me above the ground. He squeezes it hard, and I see spots dancing in my eyes, the blood rushing to my head making it worse. Suddenly, he lets go, and I fall head first onto the ground. I’m disoriented, and by the time I get my bearing, he has already left. I’m lucky that we were on the grass, or I could’ve gotten seriously injured, and never be able to play volleyball again.

 

I try to get up, testing my leg’s ability to support my weight, and other than a worse pain than usual, everything seems to be in working order. It’s not as late as when we finished yesterday, so I decide to go to the gym and watch the last bit of practice before Nishinoya takes me home. Arriving at the gym, I hear something that terrifies me: “Now young Kageyama-kun, you and Shouyou have been dating for two days.” 

 

I freeze in my tracks, right inside the doorway. “You told them? But you promised to keep it secret.” I turn and start running, wiping the tears from my eyes. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this scared in my entire life. What if the team is like Masaru and hates me now? I’m running, but the tears make it hard to see where I’m going, so I inevitably trip, and Kageyama catches up to me. I hadn’t even noticed he was chasing after me, but I guess this means his feelings are truly genuine. Meanwhile I’m lying to him and letting him believe that I feel the same.

 

Kageyama holds me down, and I fight with all I have to get free, but he doesn’t let go. When I finally give up, he comforts me and explains the whole situation. I, in turn, tell him my fears about the team not accepting us, and after I explain we finally get off the ground, only for the entire team to come out of the gym and reassure me that they would never think less of me for something like that. The pure relief I feel is a huge weight off my shoulders, and I finally feel a little better about lying to Kageyama, because I didn’t drag him into this just to be hated. While we’re all standing around outside, Takeda-sensei comes and reminds us that the Tokyo training camp begins tomorrow, so we have to be at school early.

 

We all begin preparing to leave, and Kageyama stays outside with me while everyone else changes, and after a short conversation, Nishinoya jogs up to us and tells me it’s time to go. I wave goodbye to Kageyama, and make my way to the car with the libero, who decides to share a new piece of info with me. “So you’re staying at my house again tonight.” 

 

This sudden declaration surprises me. “What? Noya-san I can’t just stay at your house. I don’t have any more clothes, and I haven’t packed for the training camp.” He just chuckles and remarks about how funny it is that I never noticed how much he stuffed into the bag last night. I finally understand that he set this up already, and since I feel no strong desire to return home, I decide to take him up on his offer.

 

I haven’t had many opportunities for sleepovers in my life, but Nishinoya seems determined to pack every last bit of fun he can into this one night. He has us play games, watch movies, tell gossip, and we even make a pillow fort. We’re watching a movie in our fort, when I giggle and say, “This is really fun Noya-san! I’ve never gotten to do any of this stuff before.”

 

He looks at me in shock and exclaims, “What?! You’ve never built a pillow fort?! That’s like, childhood 101!” I hide a frown from him; it’s not his fault that my dad would never let me do anything like this, so I don’t want him to feel bad. 

 

I am pulled from my sad thoughts by a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye, and when I turn to look at it I can’t believe what I see. “Natsu?” I whisper, barely audible to me, and almost imperceptible to Nishinoya. Standing in the center of the living room, right in front of the TV, is my sister. My _dead_ sister.

 

“Did you say something Shouyou?” I turn my head to look at Nishinoya, and am about to reply when I look at that spot again and see a small bowl of carrots. I shake it off as a trick of the mind, and tell him that it was nothing. We continue watching the movie, but my focus is elsewhere. I know it’s impossible that I saw Natsu, but I can’t help but feel like there’s something I’m missing about the situation. However, when we move on to the next activity of the night, I forget about the strange incident, and eventually it is time to sleep.

 

We wake up earlier than yesterday, and I learn that Nishinoya is not much of an early riser, meaning it falls on me to make sure everything is packed. I double check both of our bags, and once satisfied, bring them to the door. Nishinoya wakes up just before we leave, but he somehow manages to go straight from dead asleep to his usual high energy self. The car ride to school is short—he usually walks after all—but we’re still not the first to arrive. When we get to the bus, Daichi and Suga are already there, talking with Asahi and Takeda-sensei. Slowly but surely everyone else trickles in, and when everyone has arrived we pile into the bus and hit the road. 

 

I sit next to Kageyama for the ride, but it doesn’t feel right to me. My gaze keeps wandering back to Nishinoya, who’s chattering energetically with Tanaka. I try to make conversation with Kageyama, but eventually he says, “You seem pretty tired, maybe you should try to sleep.” I guess this is his nice way of saying that talking isn’t working out right now, so I nod and lay my head back on the seat. He nudges me, and I open my eyes to see his face a dark shade of red. “Uh. You can. You can use my shoulder, if you want.”

 

Normally I would find it funny to see him getting embarrassed like this, but now I just feel guiltier about what I’m doing. Maybe I should try it, and see if I can somehow develop feelings for him. I lay my head on his shoulder, but I can’t get comfortable, and the entire situation feels awkward. Luckily, he feels the same and says, “Actually I’m kind of, uh, uncomfortable. Sorry but could you actually not?” The entire ride is spent this way, and we both feel very strange by the time we arrive in Tokyo.

 

We exit the bus, the sun having risen since we left Karasuno, and gather our bags as Nekoma comes out to greet us. They lead us towards the gym, and as we turn a corner I stop in my tracks, making Yamaguchi bump into me. I don’t have time to worry about that though, because I once again see Natsu up ahead of me. Yamaguchi shakes me gently and says, “Is everything alright Hinata? Why’d you stop so suddenly?” I turn to look at him, and see that everyone is staring at us. I move to point at where Natsu was standing, but all I see is grass.

 

“I, uh. Sorry, I just got distracted.” I give a slight bow in apology and we begin walking again. I try to convince myself it was just my mind playing tricks on me again, but it doesn’t take long before I have a horrifying realization. I do my best to remain composed until we get to our sleeping quarters, and while everyone else chooses their spots on the floor, I dig through my bag like a madman. After pulling out everything I have and checking them all twice, I turn to my nearest teammate, who happens to be Suga. “Sugawara-san, have you seen a pill bottle around here? I can’t find my, um, allergy medication.” 

 

He looks extremely pleased for some reason, so I get my hopes up, but unfortunately he replies, “I’m sorry Hinata, I haven’t seen anything like that. If it’s important I can ask everyone to help look.” I shake my head and thank him for the offer, but assure him I’ll be fine; however, the istuation is much more serious than I make it seem. It’s been a few years since this last happened, because I’ve made sure to be diligent about taking my pills, but without them I have hallucinations of Natsu. The doctor said it was likely a side effect of depression and wanting to see her again, and this train of thought makes me realize that I also don’t have my antidepressants. 

 

I try to contain my panic as I clean up the mess I made, and notice that Kageyama has set up a spot for me to sleep right next to him. With everyone’s sleeping areas set up, we make our way to the gym to begin the practice matches. Our first match is against Fukurodani, and I would normally be excited to see their ace spike, but right now I’m too busy worrying about the next time I’ll see hallucination Natsu. Even knowing that they’re hallucinations, they look so real that it tricks my brain into thinking they are, which is why it doesn’t surprise me when I follow her out of the gym the next time she appears. 

 

I vaguely hear people calling for me to come back and asking where I’m going, but I don’t pay attention to them; I just keep following Natsu as she leads me to who knows where. I’m about to call out to her when a hand wraps around my arm, and I turn to see Kenma looking at me. “Everyone got confused when you suddenly left. We should go back.” With my mind cleared a bit, I nod and follow him. “Do you want to tell me why you left?” I should’ve known that Kenma would be able to tell something was wrong, I just don’t know how much he’s figured out. Regardless, I decline to answer, and we walk back to the gym in silence.

 

When we return, I’m glad to see they didn’t stop the games, and Kenma tells me he was sent because Nekoma is doing drills while they wait for their turn in the rotation. I thank him, and make my way to my team, where the other benched members crowd me with questions. “I’m fine guys, I just thought I saw someone I knew, so I followed them. But it was just my mind playing tricks.” I try to laugh it off, and it seems to do the trick.

 

Tsukishima is the only one who doesn’t seem convinced. “Oh? You thought you saw you knew? In _Tokyo_? Isn’t everyone who fits that description already here?” I struggle to come up with a response, but he saves me the trouble. “You should be careful about what you say. After all, nobody wants to be friends with a liar.” The other nearby members criticize him for going too far, and tell him that he needs to trust his teammates. However, their voices are all far away, and all I can hear replaying over and over in my head is Tsukishima’s voice saying, “Nobody on the team wants to be your friend.”

 

A few minutes later, Nishinoya is rotated out, and I ask him if he can talk for a bit. Tsukishima’s words hurt, and they confused me, but I know that I can trust Nishinoya. That trust wavers when he says, “I’m a little busy right now, but let me ask the coach if he can swap Suga in for Kageyama.” I tell him not to bother and spend the rest of the day trapped in my thoughts of how everyone here hates me. Even Nishinoya tried to brush me off like I’m unimportant, and he’s the one person I thought would always be there for me. I feel like I don’t exist; that there’s just an empty shell named Hinata walking around with everyone. I’m not acting any different, at least no one mentions anything. I’m not surprised though, why should they pay attention to someone like me? A failure. A piece trash. Worthless. Broken.

 

I skip dinner, opting to go lay down and sleep, but sleep never comes when I want it, so I’m forced to remain awake and hear everyone enjoy themselves without me. This is how it should be, since I don’t belong here anyways. Maybe it’s finally time to end it all. That would make them happy, right? They wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, and they could finally be free of the burdens and suffering I bring them. I run out of time to find out though, because everyone piles into the room. They’re courteous enough to remain quiet, since they believe me to be asleep, but that just means I’ve caused them trouble again. The lights turn off, and one by one they all lay down until I’m the only one left awake. I try to fall asleep, but it seems like an impossible endeavor, until I hear a young voice trying to sing a lullaby. I roll over and see Natsu sitting next to me. She is singing to try and help me sleep, and it works. As my eyes flutter closed once more, the last thing I hear is “Night night.”

 

The next thing I know, I wake up screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well here's the next chapter, and the longest one so far. This one took me quite a while to write, even though I ended up cramming most of it into a last minute 5 hour session. I really have no excuse since I can write this while at work, but oh well. At least I'm getting it done.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and look forward to seeing what happens next time! See you then!


	10. Nishinoya's Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The training camp is finally underway, and after a long day of practice matches, everyone just wants to sleep. That plan is ruined however, by a scream in the middle of the night. With Hinata acting stranger than ever, and pushing Nishinoya away once again, it seems unlikely he'll be getting the help he needs. It's up to Nishinoya to figure out what's wrong, but will he be able to do it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Implied Hallucinations, Injuries, Light Blood

Nishinoya’s POV:

 

A loud scream suddenly rips me from the peaceful dreams I was having, and looking around the room I notice most of the team in the same state as me. I sit up alert, looking for the source of the noise, and see Shouyou panting heavily, surrounded by a few who managed to rise faster than the rest of us. He looks scared, and his eyes dart around the room as if he is trying to find something. In a weak voice he croaks out, “Nishinoya-san.” Upon hearing this I spring up from where I sit and rush to his side. He has tear streaks running down his face, and his entire body is covered in a layer of sweat. It is pretty easy for me to see that he had one of the nightmares he told me about, and now I understand why he was so concerned about waking me up that night. As I approach, he holds out his other hand to me, and I grab onto it with both of mine whispering so that no one else hears. “Shouyou was it a nightmare?” He nods, and I stand up to usher everyone out of the room, only holding Kageyama back. I pull Kageyama down to my height and whisper in his ear. “Take care of him.” before joining everyone else outside the room.

 

Sliding the door shut, I turn to face the team and take in their expressions. The third years and Yamaguchi all look worried, most of the second years look tired, and Ryu and Tsukishima look irritated with me. Tsukishima looks down at me and says, “Why’d you make us all leave the room for that shrimp? He had a nightmare; he can just sleep it off.” At the same time, Ryu exclaims, “Why’d you make us leave? We should be making Hinata feel better!” They start arguing with each other, Ryu claiming that the scream indicates a really bad nightmare, and the beanpole playing down the severity of the situation. Looking between the two, I pipe in. “We need to give Shouyou space, and since he’s dating Kageyama, he’s the best suited to stay and help.” They both open their mouths to protest, but before they do the door slides open again and Kageyama lets us reenter, albeit with a scowl on his face.

 

As everyone else either returns to where they were sleeping or asks Shouyou if he’s alright, I stay back with Kageyama to ask him about the spiker. “So how’s Shouyou doing? Did you help him with his nightmare?” He scowls even harder, which I didn’t know was possible, and his reply carries an edge of frustration. “He wouldn’t tell me anything. Instead he kept insisting that I move his bedroll to be near yours.” Looking into the room I see that Shouyou is indeed much closer to my space than he was before. When I return my focus to the setter, I see that he is already making his way back to where he was sleeping before the nightmare woke everyone up. His demeanor at being woken this late as well as brushed off by his boyfriend seems to have left him in a bad mood, so I opt to let him go and navigate through the room to Shouyou.

 

When I get to him, I notice that he looks much calmer than before, probably having calmed down while speaking with Kageyama. As I approach, I see him arguing with Sugawara about something, but I don’t manage to catch what they say before the third year walks away with a huff. “What was Suga-san so upset about?” I ask once I reach him. He looks up at me for a second before lowering his head again and replying, “It’s nothing you need to worry about.” The fact that he brushed me off is surprising, and it makes me think about how he seems to have been closing up around me these past few days. I’ve been trying to push him to open up more to Kageyama ever since I found out they are dating, but I never thought that this would be a side effect. Normally I would like to talk a bit more, but with everyone else in the same room and a long day of practice matches tomorrow, I reluctantly decide to drop the conversation and go lay down to sleep. I manage to return to my dreams with little issue, but as a result of the sudden wake up call late in the night, all of Karasuno rises the next morning at a later time than intended.

 

In the scramble to get ready, I don’t notice a certain orange haired spiker missing until it’s time for breakfast. I assume he must’ve gone ahead, seeing as how he didn’t really eat dinner last night, but when I arrive in the cafeteria he is nowhere to be found. I grow more worried as time passes, and by the time I finish eating I’ve decided that if he isn’t waiting in the gym, I’ll skip practice today to look for him. Luckily, we encounter him on our way there. “Shouyou! Thank goodness. I was worried when you disappeared this morning.” He gives me a strange look, and says, “You were worried? Th-” he cuts his sentence short and suddenly looks to his side. A minute later, when he looks at me again his face carries an expression of anger. “You weren’t worried at all! Don’t lie to me!” He pushes his way to the front of our group, leaving me near the back struggling to process what just happened. 

 

By the time my brain starts working again, the group has made their way down the hall, so I jog to catch up; however, I am stopped by a tug on my sleeve. When I look at the offender, I see Shouyou’s friend standing there. “Oh hey, you’re the setter from Nekoma. Kozume right?” He nods and gestures for me to follow him. I’m reluctant at first, but then he says, “Something’s wrong with Shouyou.” Those words are all it takes for me to trust him completely, and I follow his lead into an empty classroom. We each take a seat opposite from each other, and he begins by telling me about yesterday. “When I followed after Shouyou he was chasing something, but there was nothing there.” I think back on when he returned to us yesterday, and how he mentioned seeing someone he knew.

 

“He was chasing after a someone, not a something. When he you guys came back, he told us that he thought he saw someone he knew. But he already said that he was mistaken, so I don’t get the problem.” Kozume thinks for a moment and replies, “Even outside of that he’s been acting strangely. Even though he’s injured, he would normally pay attention to the games, and look really antsy about wanting to join. He wasn’t even looking at the matches though.” I wasn’t paying much attention to Shouyou yesterday because I was so focused on practicing, so I can’t say for sure if he’s right. I try to think about other weird things Shouyou has done, and can’t believe I forgot about the incident just a few moments ago. “Oh right! Just a little bit ago Shouyou was talking to me, but he stopped mid sentence and then suddenly changed his attitude completely.” He sighs and says, “I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I’ll be watching.” With that, he exits the room, Daichi entering at the same time. “Oh there you are Nishinoya. We’re about to start, so hurry up and come to the gym.”

 

We walk towards the gym, and Daichi asks, “What were you two talking about? You’re not trading secrets with another team I hope.” He’s obviously joking, but that doesn’t stop me from yelling in protest. “Of course not Daichi-san! You know I would never betray Karasuno! I’m your libero, so I have to protect you all!” He laughs and replies, “Yeah I know. But seriously, what were you guys talking about?” My face falls a bit, and I reply, “He was concerned about Shouyou. He said that he’ll be watching, so expect a lot of overbearing Nekoma today.” The rest of the walk passes with us talking about Shouyou; of course, I don’t give away any information he wouldn’t want me to share. On the way I make up my mind to pay more attention to him today, even if it negatively affects my playing.

 

I hear the sounds of balls smacking wood, and shoes squeaking on the floor as we approach the open doors of the gym. When we enter, I notice that everyone is still warming up, and the Nekoma setter is talking to their captain and pointing at our team. I ignore them to focus on my own warm ups, but keep a constant eye on Shouyou the entire time. I notice that Kozume hit the nail on the head with the strange behavior. Shouyou is staring off to the side, but he keeps glancing back at all of us. Every time he notices me watching him, and quickly averts his gaze once more.  Even as we play the matches, I continue observing him, and as a result we lose by more than usual. The only time I lose sight of him is when we do our penalty runs, and my chest tightens every time we have to leave him inside. Something is wrong with my friend, and it seems much worse than what he’s already been dealing with. Kageyama and Tsukishima both spend most of the day criticizing me for not putting in my full effort, although I imagine the beanpole is just irritated about all the penalties we’re doing. 

 

The day nears its end, and although we didn’t win any games I am at least grateful that Shouyou has remained still for the day. Finishing up our last penalty, we enter the gym and I look to where he had been sitting all day, only to see that he has left. He most likely just went to dinner earlier than everyone else, or had to use the bathroom. I walk up to coach Ukai and ask, “Hey coach, did you see which direction Shouyou went off to?” He looks at me and says, “Oh did he leave? Well I’m sure he just went to the bathroom or something. Don’t worry about it.”

 

Coach walks away, leaving me standing concerned in the gym, but I start looking for Shouyou right away. I as the rest of the team to help, but only the third years and Yachi seem to be concerned enough. Even Kageyama doesn’t offer his assistance, but I take what I can get and the four of us begin combing the campus in groups of two. Daichi and Suga, Kiyoko and Yachi, and Asahi and I all split up to search different places. 

 

Asahi and I begin the search outside, while the other groups focus on classrooms and other buildings. We look for about an hour, before Asahi says, “Nishinoya maybe we should head back. If we haven’t found him by now we probably aren’t going to. Besides, everyone is going to be eating soon, he might show up there.” I am unable to contain my outrage at his words. “You want to just abandon him Asahi? He’s our friend and something is wrong! Leave if you want, but I’m not stopping until he’s found!” I turn away from him and immediately regret my words. I didn’t mean to snap at Asahi, I’m just so worried about Shouyou that it’s got me a little on edge. 

 

After searching for a bit longer, Asahi having stayed behind despite my outburst, I find the words to apologize to him. “Hey Asahi… I’m sorry I exploded at you like that. I may be concerned about Shouyou, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to be so rude to you.” He jumps as soon as I address him, but calms down rather quickly and says, “That’s a relief. I thought you were really mad at me again. I’ve spent this whole time trying to think of how to apologize for making it seem like I was abandoning him.”  I let out a loud laugh and reply, “That’s funny, it took me this whole time to figure out how to apologize for shouting at you. I guess we were both a little too worked up, huh?” He smiles a bit, and his posture relaxes, much less stressed now that we’ve cleared the air. Shouyou is obviously the person struggling the most right now, but I can’t believe I forgot that it’s my duty as a libero to help the entire team. 

 

Our newly repaired mood sinks however, when we hear shouting coming from the gym we were practicing in all day. After sharing a look to confirm we both heard it, we take off towards the direction of the noise. Barreling into the gym reveals Hinata screaming and repeatedly throwing himself onto the floor, at one point even ramming his entire body into the poles we use to hold up the net. We waste no time in sprinting to his side, and Asahi grabs him, holding him in place so he can’t hurt himself anymore. Hinata starts struggling harder than I’ve ever seen, screaming, “Stop! Let me go! She’s going to die! I have to help, please let me go!” His eyes are clouded over and tears flow freely; and he’s thrashing about wildly, kicking Asahi as hard as he can. The ace turns to me and yells over Shouyou’s screams, “Nishinoya, go get help!”

 

I run towards the building where everyone should be eating, bumping into the other groups that were searching on the way. “You guys! Shouyou is in the gym but something’s wrong. He’s flailing around like crazy. Asahi is holding him down and he sent me to get help.” Yachi begins a nervous breakdown, and the beautiful and kind Kiyoko stays with her to help while the rest of us return to Asahi and Shouyou. While we run, I explain in more detail, but upon arriving I see the situation hasn’t improved since I left, in fact, Hinata is actually close to escaping Asahi’s grasp when we manage to reach them. Daichi helps Asahi restrain him, but he keeps fighting harder and harder, still screaming about needing to protect “her”. It isn’t hard for me to assume he’s talking about his sister, but she’s supposed to have passed away.

 

Pushing that to the back of my mind for now, I try to focus on making Shouyou calm down instead. “Hey, stop- ow. Stop kicking so much! Shouyou calm down. Seriously that hurts! What’s the problem? Come on, talk to m- Did you just bite me?!” My attempts at defusing the situation are less than successful, but luckily Kiyoko and Yachi arrive, along with the rest of the Karasuno team. Kageyama comes right up to Shouyou and uncharacteristically yells in his face. “Dumbass Hinata stop moving so much!” His shout stuns everyone into inaction, including Shouyou. His eyes uncloud and he finally stops struggling so much, the whole ordeal seemingly ended. 

 

Everyone crowds around Shouyou, Tanaka being the loudest to ask about his well-being. “Hinata are you okay? What’s up with all those scratches on your arms?” I hadn’t even noticed the scratches, but now that I have time to look I see that’s not the only unfamiliar injury. His shoulder seems to be sagging a bit, and there is a small amount of blood coming from his head. Suga does his best to usher everyone away, but it is difficult with the chaos of a worried team. Eventually Shouyou tries to stand up, but puts a hand to his head and wobbles before crashing down. Asahi manages to catch him in time, and this gives Suga the chance he needs to push everyone aside so we can go to our medical setup. Shouyou has needed a lot of medical help lately, and it makes me sick to my stomach to think he might be getting used to this. As Asahi carries him, he tries to wiggle free, insisting that he can walk on his own, but our ace keeps his hold, and eventually Shouyou gives up.

 

The small group of Asahi, Suga, Kageyama, and myself all take Shouyou, while everyone else stays behind so Daichi can explain what happened. When we reach our medical supplies, one of the managers that I recognize as being from Fukurodani is there, and upon seeing Shouyou, gasps and clears some space for him. “Oh my gosh what happened? You go get your coach and teacher, the rest of you stay and explain.” Asahi leaves to go find coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei; meanwhile Suga and Kageyama try to tell her what happened. I just stand there staring at Shouyou, watching as he squirms uncomfortably and wondering why he wouldn’t let me help him even though he promised. He refuses to answer any questions directed his way, and eventually when the others return, Takeda-sensei declares that he’s taking Shouyou to the hospital. I go to see them off, and Shouyou looks at me longingly as he gets in the car, but I’m hurt by his lack of faith in me and turn away. Because of this, I don’t see his sad face fall even farther, and it never occurs to me that I may have hurt him more than I can possibly repair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's another chapter done! Writing this took up most of my day, so I'm glad I managed to finish up and get it out on time. I should really stop writing each chapter the same day I post it, but I've been distracted by fire emblem. My goal is to start writing sooner though, so I have more time to edit and release a more polished chapter than usual. So if the next chapter isn't the best one yet you can throw rocks at me or something. Whatever your usual torture method is.


	11. The Dead Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata can't help but assume the worst when Nishinoya stops being there for him, but luckily an unexpected person appears to take his place. The question now is: is this person really trying to help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Hallucinations, Depressed Thoughts, Injuries, Slight Blood

Hinata’s POV:

 

_ It was just a dream, it was just a dream, it was just a dream. _ I keep repeating this over and over to myself in my head, but does it really count as just a dream when I’m reliving my actual memories? I can’t get the image out of my head: my dad holding Natsu in the air with one arm, hand wrapped around her neck as I try to break free of the chains holding me to the wall. I suppose I should count myself lucky that only this still frame is stuck in my head, instead of the entire scene, but I’m still hyperventilating, and tears continue to flow down my face. Some of my team members have crowded around me, trying to find out what’s wrong, I assume, but I can’t focus on them at all. Each and every person just looks like a blur to me, and the voices blend together in a cacophony of white noise. 

 

Suddenly, I notice one person off to the side that doesn’t seem to be blurry, and in the best voice I can muster through my ragged breathing I call out, “Nishinoya-san.” He comes closer to me, and I can already feel my breathing evening out a bit. When I hold out my hand to him, he grabs it without hesitation, and a feeling of calm washes over me. “Shouyou, was it a nightmare?” He asks, and I nod in confirmation. He nods back before releasing my hand and standing up, causing me to panic for a moment. I feel relieved however, when I see that he is trying to get everyone out of the room to give me some space. Some are against it, but most are too tired to argue and he eventually manages to empty the room. Just when I think he is about to come back to my side so I can talk with him, he grabs Kageyama and whispers something in his ear before leaving the room himself. With just Kageyama and me in the room, my calm state begins crumbling, and I hurriedly create a fake smile to hide my pain at Noya abandoning me.

 

The two of us awkwardly look around the room, avoiding eye contact at all costs, as that would mean we have to address the situation. Kageyama already doesn’t know how to deal with people, so adding on his lack of knowledge about my situation would just make everything worse. I can hear muffled voices coming through the door, and I assume that Nishinoya is trying to keep the team in check for my benefit. It makes me feel a bit better to know that he’s still trying to help a little, although he’s been pushing me away every chance he gets. He must finally be sick and tired of dealing with all my problems. I knew it would happen eventually, so I suppose I should at least be happy that he was nice to me for a week.

 

Before I get the chance to spiral any further down, Kageyama breaks our silence with a small cough, before turning to me and asking, “So uh, are you okay?” That’s a dumb question to be asking someone who just woke up screaming, but I appreciate the attempt. I wasn’t prepared to deal with this right now; usually when I sleep away from home I bring something to muffle myself with, so no one finds out. I sit in place for a while, trying to think of what to say, and the entire time Kageyama just stares at me, growing increasingly frustrated. “Seriously just tell me what’s wrong!” He snaps, and I instinctively flinch at his tone and volume. I’m normally able to compose myself better in front of others, but I’m still shaken up from my nightmare. I scoot further away from him, and his expression changes to something akin to guilt, but I’m still uncomfortable.

 

I don’t have many choices in a situation like this, but I really don’t want to lie or else the team will hate me more than they already do. My best option is to just ignore the question, and find a solution to my problem. The solution is fairly simple to me; I don’t get nightmares when I’m near Nishinoya, so I should just move my bedroll close to his. The problem is that he clearly doesn’t want me near him anymore. Why else would he keep forcing me on Kageyama instead of helping like he promised? I don’t want to make anyone upset, but the only way I can get close to that is if I make Nishinoya upset. It doesn’t take long for me to decide that I’d rather have one person hate me instead of the entire team, so I quietly begin moving my bedroll to the other side of the room where Nishinoya’s is.

 

When he notices me doing this, Kageyama questions me, and I reply, “I want to sleep next to Noya-san.” Even without looking back at him, I can feel the murderous aura he’s emitting, and I shudder but continue what I was doing. He tries a few more times to convince me that we should lay next to each other, but I push back every time, not willing to risk the entire team’s wrath. He gives up after a while, and once I have successfully transferred from my previous space to be closer to the libero, Kageyama slides the door open to let the team back in. I was hoping he would at least give me time to let me pretend to be asleep, but he’s probably mad at me, so I doubt he would’ve done it even if I asked. 

 

The team floods into the room, most returning to their sleeping areas after either glancing towards me, or glaring at Nishinoya. A few however, decide that they have to know about my nightmare, so Suga, Tanaka, and Daichi all crowd around me. I notice that Nishinoya is conversing with Kageyama by the door, and at one point when the setter gestures to me, Nishinoya looks in my direction before giving an exasperated sigh and shaking his head. As expected, he’s irritated that he has to sleep next to me now. My line of sight is broken by Tanaka sticking his head right in front of my face. I recoil in surprise, and he laughs loudly before posing a question. "What was your nightmare about? You screamed so loud I thought you were being murdered!" He laughs again, and I try to follow his lead, but all that comes out is a weak chuckle. Suga notices how tired I seem, and chops Tanaka and Daichi (although the captain hadn't done anything) and says, "Alright you two give Hinata some space." 

 

They walk away, both rubbing their new injuries that are sure to bruise, and Suga returns his focus to me.  "I'm guessing you didn't want to share the details with them.” When all I do is nod in response, he looks upset, but quickly changes back to his usual self. “You probably don’t want to tell me either, but that’s fine.” I’m unsure of where he’s going with this, and a bit confused because he was so invested in figuring out my secret before. “Hinata, promise me one thing.” When he is confident that he has my full attention, he continues. “Tell Nishinoya about it, even if you don’t talk to anyone else. You’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately, so I think he would be willing to listen.” If I wasn’t so miserable at the moment, I might find it funny that Suga basically told me to confide in my confidant, despite not knowing the nature of our relationship. Unfortunately for both of us, I can’t agree to that promise because Nishinoya decided to stop listening to me.

 

“No.” I say quietly, Suga straining to hear me. He asks me to repeat myself, and a bit louder this time I say, “No. I’m not talking to him about it.” He’s surprised at my outright refusal, or maybe at the fact that someone on the team disobeyed him, but either way, his shock soon turns to frustration. “Hinata you have to talk to someone! If not Noya then anyone. Talk to me, or Daichi, or even that setter from Nekoma. You guys are friends right?”  We continue back and forth like this for another minute or two, before his frustration reaches a point where he has to leave to let off steam, and it’s at this moment that Nishinoya arrives. He lays down, asking about my argument with Suga, but I tell him not to worry about it. He turns over without another word, and I do the same, hoping to get some sleep before we have to wake up for practice.

 

It’s been a week since my leg got hurt, so according to the nurse I should be allowed to practice again with everyone, but Tsukishima’s words from earlier get stuck in my mind.  _ “Nobody wants to be friends with a liar.” _ If what he said is true then is anyone here even my friend? Suga said that I could talk to anyone, but he also told me to unload my problems on another team, so doesn’t that mean he’s done dealing with me too? Even if I were to talk to Kenma, he would just ignore me; he doesn’t like dealing with people unless he has to. Even if they all tolerate me, my teammates won’t want me to practice with them if they can’t even call me a friend. My entire night is spent entertaining thoughts like these, and once I realize that I’m not going to be able to fall asleep again I decide to quietly venture out of the room.

 

I rise carefully, trying not to disturb the others, and figure that if I’m getting up anyways I may as well get dressed. I tiptoe over to my bag, and rummage around for a bit before pulling out clothes suitable for practice, and for the first time in a while I’m excited. I change quickly, thanking the darkness for hiding my body from anyone who might happen to be awake. After getting dressed I quietly exit the room, taking extra care not to disturb anyone as I leave, and wander around the school for a while. While walking, I find the hill used for penalty runs and climb up it, stopping halfway and laying down to look at the stars. “I wonder if Natsu’s up there somewhere.” I say aloud, but jump in surprise when I hear, “I’m right next to you. Silly onii-chan.” 

 

I turn my head, and sure enough my sister is sitting on the hill right next to me, her gaze turned skyward like mine a moment ago. She looks older than the image I have in my memories, but her hair is the same unmistakable orange as mine, so it must be her. “Natsu? I thought I saw you earlier, but aren’t you...” My sentence trails off and she looks at me with a big smile on her face and says, “What are you so worried about onii-chan? Whatever it is, I know how to make it better!” She walks over and hugs me, the physical contact erasing any doubts I had about her. This is my genuine sister, somehow still alive, and the situation moves me to tears. “H-how,” I get choked up when I try to speak, but persevere. “How are you here?” She giggles and replies, “I’ve always been near you, but stupid onii-chan wouldn’t pay attention to me.” She pouts a bit, and I feel a bit guilty. Have I really just not been paying enough attention? Her face returns to a smile as she exclaims, “Don’t worry though! Now we can stay together forever!” Overwhelmed with emotion, I begin tearing up, and hug Natsu tightly. “I’ll never let you go again!” 

 

We sit on the hill, talking until the sun begins to rise, but eventually I say, “I should probably go back to the team. I bet practice is starting soon.” I stand up and start walking down the hill, and to my surprise, Natsu follows right behind me. When I question her, she huffs and says, “You just promised to never let me go, and now you’re leaving me to go play volleyball. I wanna come too, and besides, I’ve never gotten to see you play before. Oh, but um, I don’t want to get in your way, so when you’re with your teammates you don’t have to talk to me.” I tilt my head in confusion and ask, “Are you sure? I don’t want to be rude, and I’m sure the team will love you!” She shakes her head with a smile and replies, “I’m sure. Volleyball is really important to you after all, so just pretend I’m not there!” I wonder why she doesn’t want to properly meet the team, but I’m so happy to have her back that I can let it slide.

 

Making our way towards the gym, we run into the rest of the team, and I almost introduce Natsu before recalling what she said earlier. I end up walking with everyone, but I hang near the back, which just so happens to be where Nishinoya is. As soon as he sees me, he rushes over and says, “Shouyou! Thank goodness. I was worried when you disappeared this morning.” This confuses me, because I thought that he didn’t care about me anymore; but now he’s saying that he actually worried about me.  “You were worried? Th-” before I can finish my sentence, Natsu grabs my arm, and turning to look at her I see a vicious glare directed at Noya. “He’s obviously lying onii-chan. If he was actually worried he would’ve gone looking for you, but instead he stayed with the team.” When Natsu helps me realize how Noya actually feels, anger wells up within me at the betrayal from this person I trusted. “You weren’t worried at all! Don’t lie to me!” I march past the rest of the team to situate myself at the front of the group, as far from Noya as possible. I don’t apologize to the people I push out of the way, and everyone who tries to talk to me is met with a fierce glare. 

 

Once we reach the gym, everyone begins warming up, and I try to join them, but Suga stops me. “What do you think you’re doing Hinata? You still shouldn’t be practicing.” Still angry because of what happened earlier, I yell in response. “Of course I can practice! The nurse said to give it a week so I’m fine!” The gym goes dead silent, and everyone is staring at me until Coach yells at them to stay focused, but he comes over to me and Suga right after. “Coach, Suga-san says that I can’t join the practice matches today. Tell him he’s wrong!” Despite his shock at my sudden outburst, he sheepishly rubs the back of his neck and replies, “Actually Hinata, I agree with Sugawara on this one. Daichi and Suga told em that the nurse said it you could start putting  _ light _ pressure on your foot after a week, and you’ve already been walking on it for a few days now. You probably slowed down the healing process by doing that.” At this point I’m fuming, and without another word I stomp over to the bench, missing the concerned glances from several teammates. 

 

I look around for Natsu so I can vent my frustrations, but when she is nowhere to be seen, I start panicking. The only explanation for her sudden disappearance is if she left the building, so I look towards the exit and consider leaving to find her. I glance back at my team; after what happened yesterday I doubt they would let me go unsupervised, but Nishinoya's eyes bore into me, cutting off any hope of escape. Throughout the day I continue checking back at the team to see if I can sneak a chance to get out, however, the only time I'm not being watched is when they do penalty runs. Unfortunately for me, the hill is right outside the exit I need to go through. After they go outside for their final penalty, I sigh in defeat, unable to shake the feeling that I'll never see Natsu again. When I hear a giggle coming from the hallway behind me, I turn and see a small flash of orange around the corner. I glance around quickly, and once I confirm that the team is still outside and Takeda-sensei and coach Ukai are occupied, I rush towards the hall. When I enter, I see the same orange moving around a corner further down the hall, and I smile to myself as relief floods my body at Natsu’s safety. I follow after her, losing track of time as I chase her around the entire school. She always makes sure I know just enough to follow her, and I can tell by her constant laughter that she’s having fun, which brightens my mood as well. 

 

Eventually, she enters the gym where all of this began, but when I round the corner I don’t witness the smiling face of my sister like I expect. Standing in the middle of the gym is my dad, holding Natsu above the ground with a single hand around her throat. I immediately try to rush over and save her, but suddenly chains I hadn’t noticed before are wrapped around my arms, binding me to the floor. I scratch at the chains, trying desperately to pull them off, while my dad just laughs. “Let her go! Stop it, she’ll die!” I scream, but he doesn’t listen, and from where I’m trapped it looks like he tightens his grip. I pull even harder at the chains, ignoring the small amounts of blood that are beginning to gather on my arms, eventually trying to stand and pull myself free by running. This method is surprisingly successful, but the momentum causes me to fall, my head colliding painfully with the floor. It hurts, and my vision gets fuzzy, but I have to focus on saving Natsu, so I stand up trying to keep my balance when the sudden light-headedness hits me. I wobble towards them at the highest speed I can manage, and throw myself at my dad to stop him, but my new difficulty seeing causes me to fall short of my mark. I rise again, still having trouble staying balanced, and take aim before launching my body once more, although it still ends in failure. I keep trying over and over, but it seems like every attempt misses the mark even worse than the last. Finally, I manage to connect my body with his, but as soon as I do, an immense pain shoots through my entire arm. He doesn’t even look at me, my attack having seemingly no effect, but before I can get up to try again, a pair of arms wrap themselves firmly around me, restraining my arms and lifting me off the ground.

 

I thrash around in an effort to escape, but this new person is much stronger than me and has no trouble keeping me restrained. I can only assume that my dad hired someone to stop me from interfering with him, but it’s even worse because now I have a front row seat to this sickening show.  “Stop! Let me go! She’s going to die! I have to help, please let me go!” I scream and plead with this person, doing everything in my power to escape their hold. When I notice Natsu’s face beginning to turn a shade of blue, I fight even harder than before, cursing my body for being so weak. After a few minutes, I finally feel their grip slipping, so I keep up my efforts, but just before I manage to get free another set of arms grabs onto me, stopping my escape. I put all my energy into trying to escape, completely ignoring the voice I hear in favor of begging to be released. I look at Natsu, but it’s becoming even more difficult to see, and all I can make out is a sad smile on her face. My heart shatters into a million pieces, and although I try my best to continue fighting, my energy reserves are getting low, and I have a hard time keeping up. In the middle of this chaos, I hear a single voice shouting, ““Dumbass Hinata stop moving so much!”

 

The sudden shout shocks me, and I stop fighting against the people holding me back, only to see that they are Asahi and Daichi. I look around the gym and see that the entire team is here, each and every one of them with concerned looks on their faces. In a sudden flash of panic, I turn my head to where my dad and Natsu were, only to see the thick pole that holds up the nets. My head is in a lot of pain, but it still isn’t difficult for me to realize what happened; the pain throughout my body helping to clue me in. Tanaka yells out, “Hinata are you okay? What’s up with all those scratches on your arms?” I wince at his volume, as it feels like a thousand sledgehammers all smashing into my head at once. After Tanaka’s question, the entire team crowds around me, erupting into worried shouts and frantically trying to get me to talk. The noisy chaos just hurts my head more, and I try to move, only for Daichi and Asahi to realize they’re still holding me. They release me, and I manage two steps before everything becomes blurry and a sharp pain in my head stops my progress. I suddenly find that the floor is rapidly approaching, but luckily someone manages to catch me in time. Everything is still fuzzy, so I can’t tell who it is, but I whisper, “Thank you.”

 

My fall stops the noise, but it takes a few moments for the ringing in my head to cease with it, though my vision clears somewhat when the ringing fades. Suga takes this opportunity to round everyone up and send them away, only allowing a select few to stay behind. Those few prepare to take me to our medical setup, but the person holding me—which I now notice is Asahi—doesn’t put me down, instead carrying me towards the exit. I wiggle a bit to try and escape his grip, though not fighting anywhere near as hard as before. “Asahi-san, I can walk on my own.” The look I get from everyone still here prompts me to stop resisting, something I’m becoming used to. Everyone is quiet the entire walk, so I take the opportunity to see who is still here and how they’re reacting to what happened earlier. I’ve never had anyone see my hallucinations like this before, and I don’t have a clue how to keep anything hidden anymore.

 

Asahi is carrying me, and wearing a more solemn look than I have ever seen grace his face. It feels different from his usual nervous aura. Daichi is looking straight ahead, leading the group, but I notice that he is much more tense than usual. Sugawara is walking next to our captain, rubbing his back every now and then, but unlike Daichi he sneaks a few glances back at me every now and then. His mother hen nature is probably trying to make him take care of everyone on his own. Kageyama is walking to the left of Asahi and me, his face stuck in its usual scowl, although his eyes betray a bit of worry that his other features don’t. Finally there is Nishinoya, walking opposite Kageyama on the other side of us. He looks lost in thought, and I catch him studying the rest of the group much like myself. Despite all this, I feel that we all dread what will happen when we reach our destination, though I assume my reason is different from the rest.

 

When we finally arrive, my head has cleared a bit, and I no longer have a headache or fuzzy vision. When we enter, however, the loud exclamation from the lady inside brings the pain back. I vaguely recognize her, although I can’t remember exactly how we’ve met, but she sends Asahi away to get Takeda-sensei. She does what she can to help with my injures, mostly bandaging the bleeding areas, and taking care to avoid touching my arm, which I’ve just noticed seems to be hanging limply out of its socket. While she’s working on me, she asks several questions about what happened, but I remain silent the entire time, leaving the others to fill in what they know. 

 

Upon Asahi’s return with Takeda-sensei, the teacher takes one look at me and decides that we need to go to the hospital. The group all help me stand, and despite a few stumbles on the way I manage to walk to the car. Asahi offers to carry me again, but it wouldn’t be fair to make him do something like that when he’s only asking out of obligation. When I am safely seated in the car, I look outside at the group that is standing there waiting for me to leave. Before closing the door, I look straight at Nishinoya, silently pleading with him to come along so I can feel safe. He notices my gaze, but turns away, and when the door closes and we speed away, I feel more alone than I ever have before.

 

Throughout the ride I remain completely silent, once again feeling disconnected from the entire world. Takeda-sensei tries to make conversation for a while, but he gives up when I don’t respond to any of his attempts. I stare out the window watching the streetlamps as we drive by, trying to find something to anchor me to this reality. The trip is a short one, but it feels like hours have gone by once we walk through the doors. Takeda-sensei has trouble supporting me, as he is weaker than Asahi, but he manages to get me seated in the waiting room before checking us in. Due to my head injury being high priority, it doesn’t take long for a nurse to bring us to a room, where a doctor is waiting to see me.

 

“Welcome Hinata-san, Takeda-san. I’m Dr. Kamiya, and I’ll be taking care of you tonight.” He begins the examination by asking me various questions about my level of pain, where it hurts, how many injuries I have, and more. The exam goes about how I expect, but I don’t pay much attention. I feel like my body is just moving on its own, as if I’m some kind of doll; the pain of Nishinoya’s betrayal finally catching up with me. Dr. Kamiya and Takeda-sensei are in the middle of discussing something when I begin sobbing openly, unable to stop myself. The two look at me, surprised, before Takeda-sensei asks, “What’s wrong Hinata-kun? Are you feeling more pain anywhere?” I’m too occupied with my crying to properly answer, so I violently shake my head a few times instead. This action immensely hurts my brain, much worse than when people were yelling, and black spots dance across my vision. As the world begins to fade away, a distant voice reaches my ears, and then everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo, I know I'm a bit late on this one, but I'll work harder to make sure this doesn't happen again. Although at the rate I'm going I can't make any promises. Something I never realized before I started writing is how much it takes to produce a story I can be proud of, but I really enjoy it, so I'll keep pumping out chapters until I can't anymore... or until this fic finishes and I start a new one. 
> 
> That's all for now, so see ya next time!


	12. Pieces of the Puzzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After giving Nishinoya a tongue lashing, Suga sets about trying to find his place in this whole mess with Hinata. He wants to help but can't figure out how, but with new information coming to light he just might be able to figure out some of Hinata's secrets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Hospital, Mentions of Suicide

Sugawara’s POV:

As soon as the car is out of sight I grab Nishinoya, bowing to the others with a quick “Excuse us.” before dragging him around the corner and out of earshot of the remaining group. “What on earth were you thinking Nishinoya?! Didn’t you see the way Hinata looked at you when he was leaving? I thought I told you to watch over him, but apparently it was too much for you! You’re supposed to be our libero but I’m not sure I can trust someone who just abandons their teammates whenever they feel it’s convenient!” The hurt in his eyes is all the proof I need that I took my remarks too far, but my outrage blinded me to how my comments could hurt him. I take a moment to calm down before apologizing. “Hey Nishinoya, I’m sorry about that. My temper got the better of me, and I didn’t mean to say those things. Even so, I still think that you should’ve gone with him.”

He lifts his face, and with the guiltiest look I have ever seen replies, “No,you’re right. I’m a failure as a libero who let his own feelings get in the way of protecting an important teammate.” Feeling a bit guilty myself at causing this, I prepare to reassure him, but there’s no need. ”But I’m not gonna let it happen again!” His eyes, no longer filled with sorrow, are staring straight at me with a clarity typically seen only in matches, and I know that he’ll be fine. I smile and reply, “I’m glad, because he still doesn’t trust me. But after what happened earlier, I think the time for secrets has passed. You need to tell me what you know.” He ponders my words for a few moments, most likely considering the different ways it will affect the team’s morale. “I’m sorry Sugawara, but I can’t explain everything to you right now.” I’m on the verge of another outburst when he continues. “Some of the things that happened today confused me. I think there’s more that I don’t know about, so I have to learn more before I explain everything.” With a sigh, I nod my head and answer. “Alright, I can accept that. Just promise that if it ends up being too much for you you’ll let me help.” 

Upon his acceptance of my terms, we leave our seclusion; however, turning the corner reveals that we were not as alone as I had hoped. "Sugawara-san, Nishinoya-san, what were you talking about? You said that Nishinoya has to watch over Hinata. What’s going on?” Kageyama doesn’t even give us time to be surprised before asking about our conversation, the two of us sharing an uneasy look at the prospect of another finding out Hinata’s secret. Although Kageyama has a unique bond with the spiker, I’m not entirely sure how much of his life Kageyama knows about. I find it unlikely that Hinata ever mentioned his… unsafe activities. And even if he has, it’s not my place to discuss such things without even properly knowing the reason. Despite all that, I'm not sure how to handle this situation in a way that Kageyama would be willing to accept.

For better or for worse, Nishinoya speaks his mind. "We were just trying to think of an explanation for why Shouyou was acting so crazy earlier." Although this helps distract Kageyama from our true topic of conversation, it also presents a new issue of him wanting to join in. "Well what have you come up with so far?" Kageyama asks us with such fervor that I would've thought he just heard he was scouted for the national team. I interject before Nishinoya has a chance to dig us a deeper hole. “We didn’t think of anything, so now we’re heading back to lay down. Everything that happened has left us rather tired, right Nishinoya?” He looks a bit confused and begins saying, “What? But I’m not-” but a solid elbow to his ribs has him quickly agreeing with what I said. Kageyama sighs, no doubt disappointed with the result of his spying, but I am relieved that we didn’t have to give up any information Hinata might want kept secret. Making good on my word, I begin walking back to our sleeping quarters, the others trailing behind me. 

Upon our return, the rest of the team is preparing for bed, everyone changing into sleepwear or making small talk. At a glance it seems nothing is wrong, but the tension flowing throughout the room is palpable to the point where it’s almost stifling. Looking around, I notice that everyone is wearing forced smiles—trying to make it seem like everything is completely normal—and that one of our friends didn’t just get rushed to the hospital for some reason none of us really know. Even Tsukishima appears a bit shaken, ignoring everyone completely instead of throwing around his usual insults. Everyone thinks they’re doing a good job of hiding how they feel, but I’ve observed this team more than anyone, so I can say with absolute certainty that this is not how Karasuno is supposed to be. Unfortunately, the only person who can help Hinata and fix this situation is Nishinoya, but I’m concerned that after what happened by the car, Hinata might not let him back in. 

This whole situation has become a lot more complicated than when I thought he was just hurting himself. I could’ve helped with that; made him feel better about whatever was troubling him, let him know that I’m always there when he needs me. It’s too late for that now though, and it’s incredibly frustrating to rely on someone else when all I want to do is help in every way I can. I shift my gaze to Nishinoya, knowing it’s impossible for him to understand how I feel, but also sending him a silent plea. ‘Make sure you help him. No matter what it takes.’ Shaking my head I sigh; there’s not much that can be done while we’re here and Hinata is at the hospital. With all the commotion, I hadn’t realized until now that Daichi seems to be missing from the group. I turn to Ennoshita, who happens to be nearby, and ask, “Where did Daichi go? I don’t see him anywhere.” All I get in response is a bored look and shrug, although with how unusual everyone is acting I’m not surprised he brushed me off.

With no reason for me to worry about Daichi, I decide that the best thing for me to do is try and help everyone feel less glum. I go around making conversation with everyone to try and gauge how they're feeling, as well as who will need the most attention. Just as I've finished talking to the last member, a phone rings from one of our bags in the corner of the room. All conversation stops for a moment, but after each person realizes it's not their phone, they return to what they were doing before. I don’t think much of it either, it’s not my ringtone either after all, but Nishinoya rises and hurriedly digs through the pile of bags until he reaches Hinata’s. By the time he reaches it however, the ringing has stopped. Under any other circumstances I wouldn’t be concerned, but with Hinata’s current predicament, this call could very well be important.

I cross the room until I am beside Nishinoya, but he is fumbling with what I presume to be Hinata’s phone. “Nishinoya did you manage to figure out who that call was from?” He shakes his head before replying, “Nope. I don’t know the password so his phone won’t let me view the call history. Even if we did recognize the number there’s no way for us to see it.” This could provide an issue, but before I can think of a solution, Daichi enters the room. He scans it for a moment before his eyes land on the pair of us and he begins walking towards me. The look on his face shows that whatever he needs to talk about is serious, so I decide to meet him halfway, and upon our paths connecting, he pulls me outside the room.

“Suga we have a bit of a problem.” A problem? That’s an understatement, considering everything that’s going on with Hinata; however, I know that’s not how he means it, so I keep quiet and wait for him to explain. “Coach Ukai was worried about Hinata, and we tried to call his emergency contact a few minutes ago. It’s listed as his dad, but when we called, he didn’t pick up.” Wait a second… a few minutes coincides perfectly with Hinata’s own phone ringing. Surely he couldn’t have put his own phone as his emergency contact, right? Although with all the craziness surrounding him this past week, I’m not so sure about that anymore. Hinata’s obviously hiding something from us, and I have lots of thee puzzle pieces as to what that is; I just need to figure out how they fit together. 

Our conversation is interrupted by Ukai sprinting down the hall towards us, stopping just before ramming into us. “Daichi! You come too Suga!” He enters our sleeping quarters, and after a quick look at each other, Daichi and I follow after him. Most of the team has laid down to sleep, but the few that are still active give us puzzled looks. Coach goes to our bags and grabs Hinata’s, Nishinoya offering the phone he was still holding before coming over to me. “Sugawara-san what’s going on? Why are you grabbing Shouyou’s things?” There’s no time to answer him right now, especially considering I don’t know the answer, so I let him know that I’ll text him with more info. Shortly after, Daichi, Coach, and I all exit the room and begin running to the parking lot. As we’re all running, Coach explains the situation to us. “I just got a call from Sensei. Apparently shortly after arriving at the hospital Hinata fainted, so we need to grab his bag and go check up on him. Don’t tell the rest of the team for now. I’ll take care of that once we know more about the situation.” Hearing that has me worried; Hinata hit is head, and with these symptoms it seems likely that he has a concussion on top of the other injuries. 

When we reach the parking lot, we quickly pile into our bus before Ukai floors it and we take off towards the hospital. We’re all worried about Hinata, and luckily the drive is a short one, although this does make it difficult to ask for any further details about Hinata’s condition. Upon arriving, Daichi grabs Hinata’s bag and we enter the waiting room, where Takeda-sensei is waiting for us. Once he notices our small group, we converge in the center before he lead us to Hinata, telling us all the information he knows. “So the doctors began by running some tests, but partway through Hinata-kun began crying. Right after that he fainted, and I called you immediately. My biggest concern is what they found all over his body.” Daichi and I look at each other, both having decided to keep quiet about the mysterious injuries we found. “They found several injuries that they don’t know the cause of. Most of them seem to be fairly minor, but there are still an alarming amount that could cause issues. The worst part though, is that some of them are… well...” Takeda-sensei gets visibly uncomfortable at this point, but steels himself and continues. “Some of them seem to be self-inflicted.” 

Daichi and Coach gasp, surprised at this information, and I’m upset that my prediction was right. I had been hoping that I was just worried over nothing, but unfortunately the doctors have dashed those hopes. We finally find ourselves outside of a room, and opening the door reveals Hinata, laying in a bed. If they hadn’t told me he fainted, I would’ve thought he was just sleeping normally, but sadly that isn’t the case. There is a nurse to the side of him, taking notes on a clipboard, and when she notices us she bows and leaves to give us some space. Taking in Hinata’s appearance, I see that he has been changed into a hospital gown, his normal clothing draped neatly over a nearby chair. He seems to be sleeping peacefully at least, but I can see the tear stains on his face from when he apparently cried earlier. Daichi deposits the bag on the chair with Hinata’s clothes, and we all step outside to hear about Hinata’s condition.

I excuse myself to text Nishinoya, forcing Daichi to promise to update me once I return, and once I am a safe distance from anyone I pull out my phone. Nishinoya, I found out what’s going on. Hinata fainted at the hospital. Don’t tell anyone else. I’ll talk to you later. After returning my phone to my pocket, I take a deep breath to try and calm down. When Hinata first started having issues last week, I thought it would be something simple that we could deal with quickly; however, his issues obviously run deeper than I realized, and I’m not sure if we’ve reached the bottom. The only one who has the answers I need is currently asleep in a hospital bed, and I doubt he’ll talk to me even when he wakes up, meaning my only option for now is to wait. With my course of action set, I decide now is the time to return to Daichi and the others.

Noticing a nearby vending machine, I purchase a few drinks, and bring them with me back to the others. After handing them out, Coach Ukai explains what the plan is. “So since we’re not sure how to contact Hinata’s father right now, one of us has to stay behind to act as his supervisor. Sensei will be staying here tonight, and the two of you are coming with me back to the school.” Daichi and I protest immediately, but are silenced when Takeda-sensei interjects. “Now now you two, don’t get so upset. I know you’re worried about Hinata’s wellbeing, but I can look after him for you. We’re also planning to have the team come visit him tomorrow, so you can check on him then.” Neither one of us is happy with this outcome, but we both concede to our teacher, and leave the hospital with Ukai. 

The drive back is uneventful, but I make sure to ask for more details about Hinata, which Daichi is more than happy to provide. “Apparently the hospital has almost no medical records from within the past eight years, and absolutely none from before that. The records they do have say that he is prescribed to a few different medications, but the specific ones have been omitted. Because of the wounds that seem self-inflicted, they believe at least one of them to be antidepressants, but other than that they have no clue” He mentioned that he was missing his allergy medication before, but now it seems unlikely that’s actually what he was looking for, and the fact that the hospital can’t figure out what medications he’s using means that somehow the doctor prescribing them is hiding the information. “The doctors also have no contact info on file for anyone related to him, so they can’t find out anything about special needs he might have.” So they don’t have a way to reach his family either, adding more credence to my guess from earlier that he put his own number as his emergency contact. The only thing I can’t figure out is why he would do something like that.

Our discussion ends when we reach the school, and upon returning to our room I see that everyone has fallen asleep. No doubt that Ennoshita and Tsukishima forced the rowdier ones to lay down, although I was planning to talk to Nishinoya about everything before turning in for the night. Nothing can be done about that, but I’ll get a chance to talk to him tomorrow, so it isn’t especially worrying. I lay down and the fatigue from the day washes over me in one gargantuan wave. I can already tell that sleep won’t come easy tonight, but I suppose that just gives me more time to brainstorm ideas for helping Hinata. Eventually sleep comes to claim me, my eyes closing as the world fades to black around me.

I am awoken early in the morning by Nishinoya opening the curtains keeping the sunlight at bay, although it seems weaker than usual today. I groggily sit up, and go about preparing to face the day ahead, falling in line with everyone else as we perform our usual morning routines. It isn’t until we’ve already begun the matches that I remember I wanted to speak with Nishinoya about Hinata, but it’s too late for that now. Whenever I find time to speak privately with him, Kageyama manages to weasel his way into our conversation, giving us no time to speak about important matters. I understand that he’s worried about his boyfriend, but he doesn’t know as much about the situation as us, and I don’t want to reveal Hinata’s secrets. Now that I think about it though, it seems like Hinata should be telling Kageyama more than us if they’re dating. Their idea of a date is probably just practicing volleyball, but they really don’t act like much of a couple, even around those who know about them. It’s none of my business I suppose, but it feels like I’m missing something here.

The day ends without me ever getting to tell Nishinoya what the doctor said, but he’ll be able to see for himself soon enough. After we have all drained our energy with matches, Coach Ukai rounds the team up and reveals the news that we’re going to visit Hinata in the hospital. A few other teams hear this, and we end up bringing his setter friend from Nekoma, as well as the loud captain from Fukurodani and his setter. Apparently they befriended Tsukishima, and now consider all of us their honorary teammates; at least the loud one does. I get the feeling that the setter is there to babysit him more than anything else. With these additions in tow, we finally leave the school and go to the hospital. When we arrive, some of the staff is rushing all over the place, and Takeda-sensei comes up to us and asks for the same small group from last night to follow him. Coach Ukai, Daichi, and I comply, following him into a small nearby room. He is obviously flustered, and I can hear how worried he is when he speaks.“Thank goodness you’re all here. Hinata…” He pauses for a few seconds, clearly trying to compose himself a bit before delivering this news. After hearing that Hinata is involved, my worry skyrockets to the point where these few seconds of silence feels like hours; and the next words to leave his mouth terrify me in a way I never thought possible. “Hinata tried to commit suicide last night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter took me a while to write. For some reason writing about Suga is just really tough for me. Anyways, I'm hoping to get a new one shot out later this week in addition to the next chapter for this. It's been a little while since I wrote one, and I figure it's about time for that. Welp, hope you enjoyed and look forward to the next one!
> 
> P.S. I feel very bad about what I'm doing to Hinata


	13. Finally Free?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata wakes up with no recollection of where he is or how he got there, but as he begins to piece together the events that lead him here, he finally finds the chance for the freedom he's always wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Graphic Depiction of Suicide Attempt, Blood, Cutting, Self Harm, Hospital

Hinata’s POV:

 

When I open my eyes everything is dark and unfocused, like I’m looking through a kaleidoscope. I try to sit up, but my body feels heavy and it’s all I can manage to lift my arm an inch. There is a quiet beeping coming from my side, so I try to turn my head in an effort to see what’s making it, but I can’t even turn it half a centimeter before immense pain courses through it, making the world even less focused than before. I quickly give up on that venture, letting my head rest in the same position it started as I work towards remembering where I am and how I got here. No matter how hard I try, I can’t remember anything about this place, and my head hurts from the attempt, although not as much as when I moved. I’m getting increasingly frustrated with my inability to do anything, so I release a low growl, which turns out to be a mistake, my head feeling like it’s splitting open.

 

A series of yawns attack my body, and I’m suddenly feeling very tired even though I just woke up a few minutes ago. Or I think it’s been a few minutes, but maybe it’s actually been seconds? Hours? I try to fight off the sleep, instead focusing on my current location and the little bits of information I can figure out. My body feels like lead, but I think I already thought of that. Or did I? It’s getting really hard to keep my eyes open, but I still try even though I can barely see anything; just a small bag in the corner of the room. Wait a second, I couldn’t see anything before, so maybe this is progress. I direct all my attention to the bag; it looks very familiar, but in this darkness it’s hard to tell for sure. I yawn once more, my body protesting as I try not to let sleep claim me once more. The yawn distracts me from what I was focusing on a moment ago, so I look in the direction I think I was before, but there’s nothing there. 

 

With a gentle sigh I give up my search for the… whatever it was and finally let my eyes close once more. Once I finally decide to give in to the rest my body so desperately craves however, I can’t actually fall asleep. I lay awake for a few hours hours (I think) but I just can’t sleep. I know that I feel tired, but since I can’t sleep, I don’t want to bother having my eyes closed. At least this way I can see if something happens. The rhythmic beeping to the side of me seems new, so something must have happened while they were shut. The fact that I missed out on a piece of valuable information about where I am just makes me mad, and I try to thrash about, or make some kind of motion to express this anger. Unfortunately, it’s still hard to move, but I do manage to roll onto my side. From this new angle I can see a chair with some clothes on them, and for some reason I feel like there should be something else there. I have no idea why I think that, but I don’t dwell on it, using all my energy to roll back into my previous position with a grunt. 

 

I let my head fall so my chin is resting on my chest, and although the extra weight makes it a little harder to breathe, I feel more relaxed than before. With my head in this position, I see a bag in the corner of the room, and suddenly remember that it’s the object I was looking for earlier. My gaze locks onto it, becoming so hyper focused that everything else in the room fades away. It’s my bag, but I don’t think I had it with me before coming to this place, so I’m uncertain how it suddenly showed up. I lose the will to continue staring at the bag, unconcerned about it appearing. I try to sit up once more, and find that I have a considerably easier time; my body is no longer as tired as it was just moments ago.

 

With my gaze no longer locked onto the bag as well as my new vantage point, it is exponentially easier to inspect the room. I hadn’t realized right away, but there is a little light streaming in through a nearby window, and looking through it shows me that it is currently night. With a sigh I continue looking around, finally uncovering the source of the beeping noise. The monitor to my left is one I’ve only seen in hospitals, finally cluing me in to where I am. I should’ve figured it out from the hospital gown I now see adorning my body, but I was too dumb to try and find any clues on myself. I can just imagine Tsukishima talking about how the team doesn’t need someone so dumb, while the rest of the team laughs at me. They’ve never actually done that, of course, but it isn’t hard to see that they don’t actually want me. 

 

Tilting my head in confusion—and slight pain—I feel deep inside that the team doesn’t want me to stay, but why do I feel like that? The last thing I remember is when I was chasing halluci-Natsu around the school, and upon remembering that I find myself overcome with grief. I can’t believe I fell for that; it’s not the first time the mirage has appeared, but this time seems to have been the worst if I ended up in the hospital. Try as I might to remember what events exactly led to this current situation, my brain is uncooperative, and I fall back against the bed with a grunt and sharp pain in my head. It doesn’t take much for me to piece together I have some kind of head injury, so I tenderly feel around with my hand to see if I can figure something out.

 

The first thing I notice is stitches near the front of my head, and I manage to remember that I didn’t have them when I fell asleep, which means that the doctors must’ve examined me afterwards. I also feel an especially large bump on my head, a bit off to the side and on top, but I can’t figure out what happened to give me that. Bits and pieces of events are coming back to me, but I’m having trouble processing everything when all I want to do is find out about my injuries. Casting another look at my bag, I figure that the best option is to see if anyone has texted me; although, they probably don’t care enough to. I groan before trying to get out of the bed, and although it takes some effort, I manage to sit up with my feet hanging off the edge. I tentatively lower them to the ground, and upon making contact brace myself before standing up off the bed. I nearly collapse right away, but I grab the nearby chair for support, and on shaky legs begin moving towards my bag. 

 

Dragging the chair along the floor is painful for a couple reasons, the sound it makes as it scrapes along pounding in my head, and my already tired body struggling to move the object. Despite the pain, I force myself onward, and after what feels like a lifetime I finally arrive at my destination, sitting in the chair to catch my breath. I retrieve my phone from my bag, but the only thing there is a missed call from an unknown number; my heart sinking at the lack of care from my teammates. With both my energy and willpower sapped, I take some time to try and remember the events leading up to this point, but I’m still only able to recall confusing bits and pieces. I must’ve hit my head pretty hard for me to have this much trouble remembering something from only a few hours ago. I’m not sure if it’s because I thought about hitting my head or something entirely unrelated, but my brain kickstarts my memories of the day. It’s still only coming in flashes, but now those flashes are piecing themselves together in a way that makes sense, instead of just randomly. 

 

I remember hearing some shouting through the door after I woke the team up, so they’re probably still mad at me about that. After that Suga and I got into a fight, and though I thought it was his fault at the time, I now see that if I wasn’t so difficult to deal with, he never would’ve had to waste his time. It’s at this point that some gaps start appearing, but I can still remember Suga telling me that I’m not allowed to play. I can only assume that the rest of the team got sick of me dragging them down with my poor receives and serves, and told him to kick me off. The only reason they let me stay at the camp must be that the school could get in legal trouble if they don’t; not that my dad would press charges anyways. The next series of events are the most disconnected, but I do remember my arm getting hurt. Pausing my thoughts for a moment to inspect it, I notice that it seems to be mostly fine, with only a small amount of lingering pain. 

 

I’m having difficulty recalling the rest of my day, and I keep running through it over and over in my mind, hoping I’ll be able to piece everything together. Just when I’m about to give up hope, I finally remember something that happened earlier, although I find myself wishing I hadn’t. Every moment that Nishinoya left me behind suddenly rushes back to me. The moment he left after my nightmare. The moment he didn’t come looking for me when I left in the middle of the night. The moment he kept forcing me to stay in the gym even though all I wanted was to leave. The most painful memory however, is the one that stays in my head the longest. Nishinoya turning away from me in the moment I needed him most, just before the car door closed, and I began my trip to this hospital. I don’t know what I did to disappoint him so much, but it never would’ve happened if I hadn’t let him see the real me a little. I thought that maybe I could finally have someone to trust, but I should’ve known that it was too good to be true.

 

I get caught up in my thoughts of the past week, and how it all started with a simple panic attack I hoped everyone would forget about. Most of the team seems to have followed my wishes, but these few stubborn members just won’t let it go. They’ll tell me it’s because they’re worried, but no one would ever worry about someone like me, someone who has no place in this world. I offer a hollow laugh to myself; of course this is how it should turn out. The fact that I ever hoped for something different shows just how naive I really am. The universe is content to sit and let me suffer for my sins, but never letting me be free of this empty shell that’s supposed to be a person. I finally understand that this is the punishment I truly deserve, having not a single person willing to help me. This is what happens to people who try to tempt fate by escaping their predetermined destiny, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it. If I’d just accepted the way things were supposed to be sooner, then maybe I would’ve been allowed to die earlier in life, but now I’m stuck here with no way to tell if I’ve finally earned that privilege. There’s no point in trying to fight it anymore, so I make up my mind to quit the team as soon as I see them again. I’m sure they’ll finally be happy now that I’m releasing them from the shackles that is myself, but I can’t help but let a few tears fall at the sadness of losing the one thing I love. 

 

I sit in the chair, crying for some time until my eyes have no more tears to give, before replacing my phone in my bag. When I put my hand in the bag however, I feel a light prick, and quickly withdraw it. My heart speeds up a bit in excitement, hoping that this could be what I think it is. Trying not to get my hopes up too much, I look inside my bag and see a simple pair of shorts with a slight sheen coming from one of the pockets. I pull them out and reach into the pocket to pull out a small razor blade, just like the ones I’ve used over the years. This could be the sign I’ve been waiting for, the universe finally allowing me to die now that I’ve accepted how futile it is to fight against my fate. I’m not sure how it ended up in my bag (it was Nishinoya who packed it after all), but a smile stretches across my face as I bring the metal up to my arm. Just before I make the first cut, I suddenly stop, my promise to Nishinoya ringing in my ears. I told him I wouldn’t do this anymore, and he trusts me, but at the same time he let me think that I could rely on him, all before leaving me behind when I needed him. 

 

The two sides of my mind battle it out to decide what I should do, and eventually I decide that Nishinoya didn’t really care about me at all. With my mind made up, I am finally prepared to end everything, but I just can’t bring myself to get started, and I have no clue why. I let my arm holding the blade drop as I sigh, and try to figure out why the blade will only hover uselessly above my skin. The only thing I can come up with is the regret that I won’t be able to properly quit the team, which helps me remember that most people write a note or something just before they do this. Since Nishinoya packed my bag for school, there must be some paper and writing utensils for me to use, and after finding them I get to work. It takes some time—especially with my arm being injured—but when I’m done I finally feel at peace with myself. 

 

It seems like time has stopped as I hold the blade in my hand, no longer rushing to get this over with. I take some time to look at it, and notice that it’s completely new, which I find somewhat fitting for my final moments on this earth. I sit back in my chair with a smile on my face, before rolling up the sleeves on both arms, and bringing the cold metal to rest atop one of them. I press in lightly at first, the sting worse than I remember it being; perhaps due to my lack of cutting recently. Nevertheless, I continue with my trial run until a small stripe of beautiful crimson can be seen across my wrist. I stare at it for a minute or two, completely captivated by the feelings surging through me, and wondering how in the hell I ever let Nishinoya convince me to give this up. For a brief moment, I consider letting myself stop there, with these good feelings surging throughout my body, but that wouldn’t be fair to the teammates to whom I caused so much suffering. I end up continuing my small cuts at first, maybe for old times’ sake, or maybe just because I love the way it’s making me feel, and it takes a good deal of time before I realize my arms are covered in so much red that I can no longer see the skin. I try to wipe it off with a shirt procured from my bag, but it does little to help, so I allow my blood to flow freely instead.

 

With my trial run finally reaching it’s close, I gulp as I reach the main event. I’ve become a little lightheaded since I began, but it’s not so bad that I can’t continue on this path. I bring the razor to my wrist again, this time angling it to make a deep cut down the length of my arm as opposed to my previous shallow horizontal cuts. My hand starts shaking badly, nearly releasing my tool before I can finish my task, and I’m confused about the sudden mixed feelings I’m having. The faces of all my friends are flashing through my head, and before I realize what’s happening, the tears I thought were depleted begin flowing once more. I also find myself smiling, but the two emotions vying for control of my body couldn’t be further apart. There’s a small voice in my head telling me it’s not worth it, that I can fix everything if I just return to the team, but it is drowned out by a much louder voice yelling at me that this is the chance I’ve been waiting for nearly my whole life. It seems somewhat fitting to me that in my final moments I should remember each of my teammates, the people who helped me become as mediocre as I am at volleyball today. I take a moment to recall my best moments with each one, only now realizing that they were not enjoying themselves in those moments as I had been. The small voice from before fades out, and I prepare myself to begin again, but just as before, my hand stops when a few specific members of the team enter my head.

 

Kageyama was the first person to toss to me, and always works hard to make sure us spikers have the tosses we want. We’ve fought a lot in the past, but there’s very few people I would consider a closer friend to me. 

 

Sugawara is a great friend, and even though his regular spot was taken by Kageyama he never resented him for it. He is an incredibly reliable senpai who is always willing to help out us first years, and I’ve lost count of all the times I’ve leaned on him for support.

 

Nishinoya is… well, he’s one of the most loud and energetic people I’ve ever met, much like the persona I adopted to keep my home life and past a secret. He’s been so nice to me from the day I met him, even helping me to get over my insecurities about being called the greatest decoy. Even when he started learning about my past and what I go through every day, he didn’t judge me like all the others who had found out, instead offering to help me. Looking back on it, he’s always been the one who’s made me feel the most comfortable being on the team, always trying to cheer me up when I feel down. He’s helped me through so many hard days just by being who he is, and that was before he even knew about my life. Even with all of that though, he still left in the end, and it hurt more than any physical or emotional pain I’ve ever felt.

 

That final thought is the one that breaks my hesitation, and I whisper, “I’m sorry Nishinoya. I couldn’t keep my promise.” Moments later, I’m lying on the cold, hard ground, with blood pouring out of the deep wounds on my arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I think I'm just physically incapable of getting these out on time, but don't worry, I won't abandon this fic. So like, this was probably the toughest chapter to write emotionally, and I'm sure you can see why. This isn't the end of Hinata's story yet though, so look forward to seeing how the team reacts in the next chapter. Hopefully it'll be up sometime this week, but maybe next. Either way, thanks for reading and I hope you come back for the next one.


	14. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama has had enough of Nishinoya and Sugawara keeping him in the dark about Hinata, and makes sure that the libero knows exactly how he feels. When he doesn't get the response he wants, he only gets more frustrated, but an unexpected person gives him the information he needs to finally figure some things out. His plans are a bit derailed when Ukai reveals his surprise, but what happens next only leaves him more lost and confused than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Hospital, Suicide Note

Kageyama’s POV:

 

I lay down to hopefully get some sleep after what happened earlier today, but my worry for Hinata’s safety keeps me awake. I wish that idiot would explain what’s going on; doesn’t he understand how concerned we all are? I try once more to clear my head, but suddenly the door flies open and Coach Ukai enters with captain and Suga close behind. I prop myself up on my arms to see what they’re doing, noticing coach quickly grabbing Hinata's belongings while Suga speaks with Nishinoya. An uncomfortable feeling bubbles up within me, as it seems like those two are always talking about  _ my _ boyfriend in secret. Granted I can't hear what they're saying right now, but they seem to only ever talk about Hinata, and never when I'm around. It doesn’t take long before the new arrivals leave, and the room is quiet once more. 

 

With the brief chaos passed, I rise from my bedroll to have a conversation with Nishinoya about his boundaries with Hinata. “Nishinoya I need to talk with you.” I must seem terrifying, because he pales slightly, and he has never been the type to get intimidated. He nods and we exit the room, those in my way scurrying away as I approach. He stops a mere five feet or so from the door, but I grab his arm and forcefully drag him further away, until I can safely yell at him, “Why do you and Suga keep talking about Hinata behind my back?! I deserve to know what’s going on too!”

 

“Well it’s not really that simple Kageyama. I mean, yeah I guess you  _ do _ have some right to know, but…” He looks away as his voice tapers off, his statement making it quite obvious that he’s hiding something from me. Still outraged, I continue shouting, “He’s mine so if you’re not gonna leave him alone then you have to at least tell me what you’re saying!” At this point he looks to me again, face changed into one of bewilderment. “Kageyama… did you even hear what you just said?  You don’t own Hinata; he’s his own person who is free to make choices on his own.” After a slight pause, he begins speaking again. “Actually, I think you’ve just helped me make a choice. If you can’t treat Hinata with the respect he deserves then I don’t feel comfortable letting you know what he’s going through.”

 

He turns and walks away, leaving me speechless as I try to figure out why he’s mad. Hinata and I are dating, so that means I have the right to know everything about him and what goes on in his life. Just because Nishinoya doesn’t understand that doesn’t mean he’s allowed to decide what’s best for Hinata; after all he’s  _ my  _ boyfriend, so it’s  _ my _ job to decide that. Prepared to begin another shouting match, I return to the room, but by the time I get there, the lights have been turned off and the team is asleep. I’m angry at Nishinoya, but I’ll just have to control myself until I get a chance to speak with him again tomorrow. I begrudgingly lay in my bedroll, but it only serves to remind me that Hinata wanted to move so he could sleep closer to Nishinoya. When the idiot comes back from the hospital, I’m going to make sure that the only time he’s near the libero is during games. Now that my mind has settled a bit, I am finally able to fall asleep, some… unique dreams about Hinata filling my head.

 

The next day begins with Nishinoya opening the curtains much sooner than anyone was ready for, and he is greeted by several groans as he laughs triumphantly. I glare at him so he knows I’m still angry, but he pointedly avoids looking at me—though this does little but increase my rage. Grumbling to myself in annoyance, I rise to get ready for the day ahead; getting dressed and exiting the room to wash up a bit before breakfast. It takes some time for all the teams to funnel in, but I don’t especially care about what the other teams are doing. Right now I just want to confront Nishinoya, but he’s surrounded himself with other players, giving me no opportunity to. I know that I will have absolutely zero chance once the practice matches start, meaning that my time is running short. 

 

I finally see my chance when Tanaka detaches himself from Nishinoya’s side to get more food, but as soon as our shortest teammate sees me coming he bounces to Asahi. If I had any doubts about him trying to avoid me before I certainly don’t now, although I can’t entirely blame him. I’ve been told that I’m already scary when I look normal, so how bad must it be when I’m angry? It’s obvious that I won’t be getting the opportunity I am looking for anytime soon, so I quickly finish eating and head towards the gym to get some practice in before the others. As I walk down a hallway towards said gym, I sense a presence creeping up behind me. I glance behind me, and notice an unexpected figure walking in my direction. “Hey there Kageyama, how’s it going?” The captain of Nekoma greets me with his usual smirk, but I get the feeling that he isn’t here just to exchange pleasantries. “What do you want Kuroo-san?” I sigh, but he just puts his hands in his pockets, whistling as he walks past me towards the gym. Despite the irritation I feel, I still follow him, my original goal unaffected by his arrival.

 

I try to probe him a few more times as we walk, but each time he avoids my questions, until I eventually give up on ever figuring out what he wants. Once we reach our destination however, he finally speaks again. “Well I’m not so great at this stuff, but Kenma really cares about that shorty. He even agreed to stick around for ten extra tosses after normal practice, so I don’t really have any choice but to help you out.” I have some trouble following what he’s saying, but I glean that his setter must know something about Hinata’s situation. Kuroo sighs and continues, “Honestly I think it would be easier on all of us to just let things stay how they are; we wouldn’t have to worry about your freakishly fast quick. Ah well, I suppose it just makes for a better battle at the trash heap.” He’s obviously beating around the bush, so I interrupt him in order to get some answers. “Kuroo-san, explain what you’re talking about.” 

 

He pretends to think about it for a minute, but grins and starts talking. “Well it all started the first day of this lovely little camp when Kenma followed shorty out of the building to wherever the heck he was planning on going. Kenma thought he was acting weird, so he had a little chat with one of your teammates. Ah, but I’m sworn to secrecy on who that happens to be.” He doesn’t need to say it out loud for me to assume it’s either Nishinoya or Sugawara, as they seem to be the only two who have any inkling of what’s going on. “Unfortunately for us, he happened to pick the not so smart one. Kenma was trying to figure out what was going on, but couldn’t piece anything together with the lack of information he had. It’s a shame too, we might’ve been able to keep shorty out of the hospital if he had.” A way to keep Hinata out of the hospital? Their setter would’ve been able to do that just by knowing what’s happening to him? 

 

Kuroo must see the confusion on my face because he shifts his explanation to another topic. “Don’t worry so much about that now, too late for regrets and all that. Moving on, I’m sure you want to know all about what happened yesterday when our little friend went crazy and started attacking our equipment.” My heart picks up in pace as soon as he says that. This could be my clue to understanding what’s going on with Hinata, and then he won’t need Nishinoya anymore. “Well, I’d like to know too, but Kenma won’t tell me any of his guesses because it would ruin your guy’s privacy apparently. How dense does he think I am anyways? It’s obvious that you are shorty are together.” My disappointment at not getting to hear about Hinata is momentarily overshadowed by disbelief at Kuroo’s bold statement, as well as his laughter at the shocked face I must be sporting. As I try to sputter out a defense, he just pats me on the back and says, “Don’t worry, we won’t tell. Regardless, I didn’t tell you all this just to leave you high and dry about what happened. Kenma asked me to explain some stuff to you and tell you to meet him in our sleeping quarters after the practice matches so he can tell you more. Apparently he’s also getting the other two who are involved. And with that, my mission is complete.” He finally walks away and towards another court, just as the rest of the players file in.

 

My team finds me standing in the middle of the court, and although I earn some worried questions about why I was not warming up or anything, the practice matches begin without a hitch. Unfortunately, we have an even harder time than usual winning; in part due to Hinata’s absence on the court, but also due to the worry our team feels. I am preoccupied with what Kuroo said earlier, having a hard time focusing on the matches and missing a few tosses that I would normally have no problem with. It takes every fiber of my willpower to stop myself from marching straight over to Nekoma’s setter and demand that he spill what information he has now, but somehow I manage to control myself. As the day winds down and everyone’s fatigue reaches its limit, I find myself anxiously awaiting my opportunity to not only learn about what’s wrong with Hinata, but also speak with Nishinoya so that he knows what he’s allowed to do. 

 

Just as I’m about to leave the gym to follow up on my conversation with Kuroo, coach Ukai gathers us for an important message. “Alright so I know you’re all worried about Hinata, it was obvious from the way you all played today.” Some of us grimace, not expecting such a harsh observation from our coach. “I want you guys to know that Sensei and I are worried too, which is why we’ve arranged  for all of us to go visit him in the hospital. Sensei will be waiting for us there to show us to Hinata’s room.” Nishinoya and Tanaka cheer at the news, and are the first to sprint towards the bus. Normally I’d follow straight after—I’m incredibly worried about Hinata after all—but I still want to hear what Nekoma’s setter has to say. A gentle hand on my shoulder reveals Suga with a warm smile. “Go ahead and get on the bus Kageyama. I’ll talk to Nekoma and see if Kenma can come with us.” I had been so focused on Nishinoya’s involvement that I had almost forgotten our other setter. Trusting him marginally more than Nishinoya, I nod before thanking him and rushing towards the bus myself.

 

True to his word, Suga managed to bring the setter from Nekoma, although their captain tagged along too. Surprisingly, some of the members from Fukurodani are also coming; the loud one annoying Tsukishima much to my delight. There is an undeniable tension in the air as we drive towards the hospital, although some try to lessen it with talk of what we should do when Hinata is released. The chaos in the waiting room is totally unexpected, and Takeda-sensei rushes over to us as soon as we enter. He pulls Suga, captain, and coach away to talk, leaving the rest of us confused about what’s going on. In an effort to stay out of the way, we congregate into a small huddle off to one side of the waiting room, although our group is so large it doesn’t help much. Some time passes, and I’m wondering what’s taking so long for those four to return, but when a nurse approaches me looking flustered I give her my attention. “U-um. Excuse me. You wouldn’t happen to be the Karasuno volleyball team, would you?” She is visibly shaking, and although I’ve never been good at dealing with this kind of thing I do my best to appease her. “Yes we are. How did you know that though?” I get no response other than a small bag shoved into my hands, and her teary eyes as she quickly flees. 

 

I am sitting there confused with the bag in my hands, until it isn’t anymore. Looking around I see that Nishinoya and Tanaka have snatched it from me, and are digging around it’s contents. “Ugh, you two shouldn’t be messing with that. You don’t even know whose it is.” Tsukishima chides, and for once I actually agree with him. The two ignore him though, Tanaka replying, “She said it was for the Karasuno volleyball team, and that’s us. I’m sure it’ll be fine.” While Tanaka was distracted answering Tsukishima, the libero manages to pull out several folded pieces of paper from the bag. “Hey guys I found all these papers, and they have our names written on them!” The two hurriedly pass out a paper to everyone—the only outliers being those who aren’t on our team—and when I look at my name it takes me a moment to realize that I’ve seen this chicken scrawl before. “It’s Hinata’s handwriting.” I think aloud, but this stops most of the team dead in their tracks. Ennoshita asks, “Are you sure Kageyama?” and once I answer in the affirmative the tension that has been surrounding our team the past week only grows. A foreboding feeling permeates me as I stare at the paper, but I brush it aside and unfold it, the sounds I hear around me indicating that I’m not the only one. The paper seems to be a letter of some sort, and I try to swallow my sudden unease as I begin reading.

 

_ Dear Bakageyama, _

 

_ You’re one of the last ones I have left, but also one of the ones I have the most to say to. Most of the others were pretty easy, I only had one or two things to apologize for, but you’re a bit different. I guess I should start with the beginning, and work my way to now? Well here goes. I’m sorry for being such a bad opponent the first time we met. You and your team were all so good that you deserved to be fighting a much stronger team. I’m also sorry for getting into the same school as you. I bet you must’ve hated it when you saw me that first day, like ‘Oh god, not this loser again. How’d he even get into this school in the first place?’ The next thing I have to say sorry for is getting in the way of you joining the volleyball club. I’ve always loved it too, but you’re the one who actually has a chance to make it in this world, so I should’ve just accepted my fate and left the team that day. I’m sorry for being such a bad teammate too, always trying to force my desire to practice on you when you’d rather go home and rest, or practice with someone else. I’m sorry for thinking that I have the right to compete with you, even though you’re definitely better in every way. I’m sorry for thinking I have the right to be your friend, and for saying that I’d always follow you. You must think I’m pretty annoying. _

 

I have to stop reading there even though I haven’t finished the letter yet. What I’m reading makes absolutely no sense; Hinata would never write something like this. He’s always been the happiest, most energetic member of the team. Ever since I got to know him, I couldn’t help but think that having the character for sun in his name is so incredibly fitting. He helped me when I was at one of my lowest points by putting his trust in me and my tosses when no one else had. Looking at the others, I see that some have already finished reading, and most are crying. I look towards mine again, and dive back in, noticing the tear stains that have begun appearing in the second half.

 

_ The last thing I need to say sorry for is pretty recent. Within the past week in fact, and I know you’re going to hate my soul forever because of it. That’s ok though, because it’s what I deserve. I know that I told you I have feelings for you, but that was a lie. I found someone who could help me feel good again, but I needed a reason for him to do it, and once I found out he hates gay people I lied to you and said that I felt the same way. I only think of you as a friend, but I suppose that’s probably not allowed anymore either. I think that’s everything, so I’ll end it here. Still have one more to write after all. Goodbye Kageyama, I’ll miss you lots! Come visit my grave sometime if you’re not too mad at me. _

 

My whole body is a mix of emotions I can’t fully understand, but I tear the paper in my hands to shreds before stomping up to the reception desk. On the way, I end up colliding with another person, who grabs hold of my arm and doesn’t let go. “Let me go Daichi-san. I have to talk to Hinata,  _ now _ .” He gives me a stern glare, but in my current state I can’t bring myself to care. That doesn’t stop him from pulling me away from the desk, and back towards the team. “What is going on here?” He asks, and in response a sobbing Tanaka hands him a familiar piece of paper, which he skims over before cursing and marching to the doctor he had been speaking with previously. Suga, Coach, and Takeda-sensei make their way over to us next, each receiving a similar letter from Nishinoya, and each adding their own tears to our group. It takes me a moment to realize that Nishinoya is the only one not showing any signs of sorrow, instead visibly shaking. 

 

I find myself filled with rage at the fact that he isn’t sad at all about what’s happening, so I yell, not caring who can hear. “Nishinoya-san what is wrong with you! Aren’t you at all upset about what happened?!” His shaking gets worse, and when he turns to me his face is extremely pale. “Kageyama…” he croaks, in a voice so weak I never would’ve believed it was his if I didn’t hear it for myself. “My… my letter had instructions. I’m not supposed to read it until everyone else got theirs. But I think… I think I know what’s happening. I’m scared.” His last two words are barely louder than a whisper, and almost inaudible as the chaos has yet to die down. I stand here, silent, watching as my team falls apart around me. I had finally found a place where I could be accepted and grow, all thanks to Hinata. Now though, the person I so closely associated with the sun has dimmed, and I’m not sure if this team I’ve grown to love so much will ever be the same again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here, sorry for the wait. I was kinda distracted this past week with my birthday. I'm kinda running out of stuff to say in these ends notes, so I guess I'l just stick to the usual thanks for reading and hope to see you next time!
> 
> ... oh wait. I forgot something. My beta reader is going on a cruise and won't be back until late next week. Worry not! I still plan on writing a chapter and posting it. There's just a very high chance that it won't be beta read beforehand. So yeah, that's all I have to say. have a nice day!


	15. Helplessness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishinoya finally gets to read his letter, but it only confirms his fears about Hinata. He rushes to Hinata's hospital room, but is turned away by several nurses. Feeling utterly defeated by his inability to do anything, he feels lost. Luckily for him, he has a great senpai of his own the help show him the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Hospital, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Blood

Nishinoya’s POV:

 

I watch a nurse quickly scramble away after thrusting a bag into Kageyama’s hands, and it takes only a second for me to recognize the bag as Shouyou's. Kageyama stares at it, unsure of what to do, but I hold no such hesitation as a great foreboding rises in my gut. Tanaka has the same idea as me—although for different reasons, I'm sure—and we converge on Kageyama before snatching the bag out of his hands and sifting through it. Tsukishima criticizes us, though that's nothing new, and while Tanaka replies like we normally would, I discover that the only contents of the bag are several pieces of paper. Taking a few out, I notice they all a name written on them, one for each member of the team. I hesitantly call out to the other members, something about this situation just feels off, but even if I don’t hand these out, I’m sure Tanaka will. At some point I find the one with my name, my hands trembling as I look down at the small piece of paper in my hands. The edges are torn, probably matching up with one of the many other pieces my teammates have, although mine has a small note that the others lack.

 

_Nishinoya_

 

_Please don’t open this until everyone else has theirs._

 

That single line fills me with an inexplicable dread, which only grows as I see the rest of the team’s reactions to their papers. Suga and Daichi are still off speaking with Take-chan, so I can’t open mine, but I have a few guesses as to what it is; none of them are particularly pleasant. When the others finally return and see our sorry state, they are confused until Tanaka hands out their notes. Daichi becomes visibly angry and leaves the group while Suga stays with us and begins crying as well. Everyone has their letter by now, so I'm allowed to open mine, but I'm more afraid of this letter's contents than I've been of anything else in my life. Kageyama notices my hesitation and berates me, clearly misunderstanding what is happening in my head. "Nishinoya-san what is wrong with you! Aren’t you at all upset about what happened?!” my voice cracks as I respond, and I'm having a hard time keeping my emotions in check; the problem is that I can't even figure out what those emotions are. "Kageyama…My… my letter had instructions. I’m not supposed to read it until everyone else got theirs. But I think… I think I know what’s happening. I’m scared.” He obviously wasn't expecting that answer,  if his shocked look is anything to go by, but his comment does help me realize that I need to swallow my fear and just read the letter. I take a deep breath before unfolding the paper and begin reading.

 

_Dear Nishinoya,_

 

_I'm sure you're wondering why I made you wait until everyone was done to let you read this, although knowing you I wouldn't be surprised if you ignored the instructions and opened it anyways. I'm gonna write as if you did what I asked, so if you broke the rules then stop reading right now. The reason I didn't want you to read it first is that I knew you would try to stop the others, and I really need to tell everyone in my own words. Now with that out of the way, I guess I should get started. This is gonna be the hardest one for me to write, since there's so much I need to say to you specifically that the others don't know about.  I'll start by saying that I was really happy when we first met and you agreed to teach me receives, and your straightforwardness actually convinced me that you were doing it because you wanted to. I usually doubt that others are sincere when doing something for me, but you've always seemed different in that regard. It also made me feel really happy to finally be taller than someone else, but I'm sure you probably thought it was weird that someone younger was taller, so sorry about that. If I could fix it I would. I also have to apologize for lying to you for so long. I lied to the rest of the team too, but then you found out about what I was doing at home. You're not the first person who figured out my secret either, but I was hoping this time it might be ok. It's funny to think that I never would've even gone to Karasuno if they hadn't found out. Of course there was the little giant, but the main reason was that I needed to go somewhere that my old friends wouldn't be able to find me._

 

I stop reading and blink a few times, making doubly sure that I read the sentence correctly. If it's true that there are other people out there that know about what's going on with Shouyou, I absolutely _have_ to speak to them. The other statement is a little more troubling; the idea of Shouyou abandoning his friends just doesn't sit well with me. I understand that he was in a difficult situation, but surely he could've found a way to make it work. On the other hand, I feel a little sting from the idea of never having met Shouyou if he had managed to figure things out back then. I try to ignore that feeling for now, tucking away the information about Shou's friends in the back of my mind before I continue reading.

 

_There are so many things I want to tell you about, but I don't know how long I have until someone might see me. I guess I should start by explaining a bit more about my family situation. Normally I wouldn't talk about it, but since I'm going to be gone soon, it should be alright. I’m sure you remember what happened to my sister, but I never told you the full story. I’ll probably run out of space if I try to write down everything that happened that night, but in the end, you should know that it was my dad who killed her. My mom left us only a year after my sister was born, so it was my job to protect her, but I failed, and that’s why I deserve to suffer._

 

My brain short circuits as I try to comprehend the words I just read, but I can’t fathom how Shouyou let this plague him for so long without help. So many things suddenly make sense, now that I know his father is someone horrible enough to murder his own child. And if he would go that far, then there’s no way that Shouyou isn’t being hurt too. My blood boils, and my first instinct is to start shouting at… something. I need some way to release this anger, but I also need to make sure Shouyou is safe, and the first step to doing that is to finish reading this letter, no matter how upset it makes me. With little success, I try to put my feelings on hold and finish reading.

 

_The next thing I want to talk about is the promise we made, sorry for breaking it. I really tried my best, but it was too hard to stop hurting myself. I found a loophole and let someone else hurt me instead. I thought it would make me feel better, and it did for a bit, but then I just started feeling guilty for lying to you. It’s ok though, because that’s what I deserved. I shouldn’t have let myself feel good at all. It also made me happy that you actually cared about me, but I don’t blame you for giving up on me in the end. Everyone does at some point, so don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m just glad I got to have your support for a whole week, a new record! I’m starting to run out of room, so even though I have more I want to say, this might be a sign for me to stop. Goodbye Nishinoya, don’t tell anyone else, but you were always my favorite senpai._

 

I crumple the paper and throw it on the ground, my mind an utter mess of emotions ranging from fear to anger to worry to sadness. There’s no point in even trying to control my emotions, but the one thing I know for sure is that I need to see Shouyou. I look towards Suga, who meets my gaze with his own watery eyes, and he simply says, “Room 302.” Wasting no more time I sprint towards the elevators, nearly slamming into several nurses on the way, but nothing can stop me from reaching my goal. At one point, I round a corner and see Daichi having a very heated conversation with a doctor and the nurse from earlier, and I’m able to make out the nurse’s voice for a moment. “I’m sorry, it was his last request.” Hearing this only spurs me on more, but I desperately cling to the hope that this isn't real. Shouyou would never do something like that, he can’t. My eyes begin to water as I reach the elevators, and in a helpful twist of fate, one arrives just as I approach, and I launch myself in without any care for who might be exiting. I quickly hammer the button for the third floor, wishing that I could make this contraption move faster, but I have no such power, and the short ride feels excruciatingly long. When the doors finally open I rush through, sparing only a second to glance at the directory so I know which direction to go, although the large amount of staff running in and out of a room should've tipped me off.

 

I try to push my way through the horde of bodies, but they won't let me in to see him. "Let me through! That’s my friend in there! I have to speak to him!” I’m still not permitted entry, so I back off for a moment, but just when they think I’ve given up, I use my height to my advantage to push through close to the ground, where they aren’t able to stop me as effectively. I manage to break past their wall and enter the room, only to see him lying straight ahead. My heart stops as I take in the gruesome sight; bags filled with blood that I assume are going towards helping him, and the floor is stained such a deep red it sickens me. I can see the deep cut on one of his arms, still open, but no longer bleeding. The thing that horrifies me the most though, is how happy he looks despite what is happening. I never knew the full extent of his pain, but I still thought that I would be able to help him deal with it somehow. My mind recalls how he mentioned that I gave up on him in his letter, and I can’t help but feel this is my fault for not helping him enough.

 

My hesitation gives the nurses enough time to grab my arm to drag me out of the room, which kickstarts me once more as I fight to break free. I have to make sure that Shouyou will be alright, no matter what these people may do. “He’s alive right?! He can’t really be dead. You’re gonna save him!” At my exclamation, a doctor near his body comes over to me and tells the nurse who grabbed me to let go, which she does. “Are you this boy’s friend?” He asks, and I nod before replying, “Yes, is he going to be okay?” The doctor gives me a sad smile, and looks back at Shouyou as he replies. “I’m not sure yet, but we’ll do everything we can. Do you happen to know if he’s on any medication? His files were unhelpful to say the least, and as his friend you might know some things we don’t.” Before I can answer, another doctor questions the first’s decisions. “Are you sure we should be asking this kid about that Yoshiri-san?” His question makes me even angrier than I already was; I can help Shouyou even if it’s just answering a question, and this doctor has no right to stop me. The first one, Yoshiri-san apparently, gets irritated as well. “That young boy right there, the one lying unconscious because of very unfortunate circumstances. He’s on the verge of death, and as I doctor I made a promise to help everyone I possibly can. If that means asking his friend about any past medical information than that’s what I’m going to do.” 

 

The second doctor shrinks away, startled by the outburst of his colleague, but I am grateful that this man is truly putting his full effort towards saving Shouyou. He turns back to me, apologizing for the other’s behavior before restating his previous question. “As far as I know, Shouyou doesn’t take any major medication. But the other day he was in a panic trying to find some allergy pills.” Yoshiri-san sighs and thanks me for my help before ushering me out of the room so they can begin preparing Shouyou for surgery. The mention of surgery worries me even more than I already am, but I don’t resist; and after seeing that my kouhai is still alive at least, I slowly return to the rest of the team.

 

I move at a snail’s pace to the elevators, but as I reach for the button, I retract my hand and opt to take the stairs instead. I need the extra time to calm down and gather my thoughts about this whole situation. The stairs are completely empty, and the silence welcome as it gives me some peace to sort everything out. I'm walking south my head down, staring at my feet and counting each slow step since I have no clue what to do now, or what to say to the team when I get back. Seeing Shouyou like that, so pale and weak looking, but also with a genuine smile on his face was so disheartening and terrifying. I never believed that he actually wanted to go this far, and maybe if I’d really tried to consider his feelings I could’ve stopped this. I don't even notice when the tears start falling; the tears falling endlessly as I stop walking down the stairs and curl into a ball. I cry freely, not caring who might happen to enter the stairway and hear me. It’s not fair that Shouyou has had to go through this, and an immense guilt eats away at me for not doing a good enough job supporting him; I’m a failure as a libero if this is how I back up my team.

 

I lose track of time as I sit crying, but eventually my tears run dry, and I am forced to pick myself up and finally rejoin my team—although I’ve never felt so disconnected from them. The walk isn’t especially long—I was only on the third floor after all—but somehow the stairway seems endless. It almost feels as if I’m trapped in a space that won’t let me go no matter which direction I try to run. All the colors of the world appear faded somehow, a part of me wondering if this is how Shouyou saw the world every day. Never getting to truly experience what makes life worth living, but there is little point in thinking of that now. I know that he’s not actually gone, but with the way he looked, and knowing what he’s suffered through, I just have a terrible feeling about this situation. 

 

Raising my head to look around as I reenter the lobby, it becomes apparent that most of the team is no longer here. The only ones who are still waiting here are Sugawara and Take-chan, who I assume is here solely to take us back. I drag my feet over to them, and without a word we exit the hospital and enter the car waiting for us. Suga sits beside me in the back seat while sensei drives, which means that I won’t be able to vocalize all these uncomfortable feelings until after we get back. I just hope I get the chance before tomorrow, because I’m not sure if I could make it through a night like this. I gaze at the sky, and upon seeing a shooting star close my eyes and wish with all my might that Shouyou will survive and be completely fine. I wish there was more I could do, and I hate feeling helpless like this, but I’m just a dumb teenager who let his friend fall to the point of suicide.

 

“Everyone will want to know about Hinata.” Take-chan attempts to break the ice, but all he really does is make me feel more upset about having to break the news to everyone. “You got to see him, right Nishinoya?” I look at him, appreciating the effort he’s putting into helping me despite being so obviously worried himself. Suga picks up on his intent, and begins filling me in on what happened after I ran off to see Shouyou. “The whole team was so worried, you should’ve seen how Yachi and Yamaguchi reacted to reading those letters. Daichi was so furious too, we could all hear him yelling from down the hall.” I still don’t speak, but I nod my head to show that I’m listening, so he continues. “Kageyama might’ve been the worst off though, I never got a chance to ask what he was so upset about, but I think Hinata had a few extra things to say to him. I’m guessing the same is true for you?” He phrases it as a question, but I’m not ready to talk about it, so I turn my head back towards the window. The rest of our trip follows much of the same pattern, the two of them trying to evoke some conversation, and myself staring blankly at the stars.

 

Upon arriving at the school, Take-chan drives away, letting us know that he’ll be staying at the hospital again tonight in case we get any news about Shouyou. Suga manages to convince him to keep us updated, which I am thankful for. The only thing worse than not being able to do anything, is not having any information about the situation; at least this way one of those problems can be solved. Once we’re alone, Suga and I find a spot to sit, and he waits patiently for me to start speaking. “I got to see him. It was… really bad, he has to have surgery.” He hums in acknowledgment before adding his own thoughts. “I see. I’m not exactly surprised, but I really wish that weren’t the case.” Seeing Suga hold himself together so well is surprising, as I expected him to be nearly as torn up as me. “How are you so calm about this Suga? I mean, Shouyou is… h-he’s…” I thought I was out of tears to cry, but I find myself getting choked up as I have no choice but to admit that Shouyou is as good as gone. I want nothing more than for him to be okay, but his chances are so slim that I might as well give up hope now. 

 

Suga gives me a warm smile, and opens his arms to pull me into a hug. “I’ve got a reputation to keep as the most reliable senpai on the team. When everyone else falters, it’s on me to make sure you guys stay on track, so I’ll keep believing in Hinata, and you too. I know you’re beating yourself up over this, but it’s not your fault. You did what you could, so it’s alright to feel angry and frustrated and sad, but you have to understand that you helped him when no one else could. You were the only person on the entire team that he trusted. Take pride in the fact that you got him to open up at all. And hey, he’s still alive, which I don’t think would be the case if you hadn’t helped him.” I look up at him, questioning his last statement, earning a chuckle in response. “I don’t know, just a feeling I have. Regardless, it’s not too late to fix any mistakes you made along the way. Just think of it like a volleyball match, it’s not over until the ball touches the floor, and I don’t think Hinata’s quite ready to some down yet.” Sugawara has such a better outlook on these events, leaving me in awe of how mature he can be. “It’s pretty late, so we should get back. I’m pretty sure the rest of the training camp is going to be cancelled, or at the very least Karasuno will be returning to Miyagi.” 

 

He has a point, so we both rise and travel back to our team’s room, where I am happy to see that I won’t need to be explaining anything as everyone is already asleep. I join them in my own bedroll, but unsurprisingly I have a difficult time sleeping, too many thoughts about my conversation with Sugawara running rampant in my head. It’s unlike me to be so mopey, and one thing he mentioned sticks out in my mind. He told me that it’s not too late for me to fix things, but despite racking my brain, I have no clue what I can do to help Shouyou while he’s in this state. Unsure of what to do, I think back on what my letter said. I only read it once, but those painful words have been perfectly burned into my memory. I think back on what Shouyou said about his sister’s death, as well as the friends he had that found out his secret. Suddenly, I have an epiphany about what to do, and the first step is finding out about those old friends of his. I’m not sure where to find them, but that doesn’t matter. I’ve finally found the resolve to see this through, and by the time Shouyou wakes up, I’ll have gotten rid of every obstacle he’s still dealing with. At least, that was my plan; but when my phone lights up with a text from an unknown number, my blood runs cold.

 

_Nishinoya-kun, this is Takeda. I just got some unfortunate news about Hinata’s condition._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has become apparent to me while writing this that I am an amazing procrastinator. So good in fact, that I completely skip the deadline! All jokes aside, sorry that it took so long to get this out. As I mentioned previously, my beta was on a cruise all last week, and I ended up deciding to wait for them to get back. It probably would've helped if I had started writing this before their return though. Oh well, at least I finished in a somewhat reasonable amount of time. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you look forward to the next one!


	16. Questions Unanswered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suga is rudely awoken by a bright light and worrying text, which leads to a late night phone call and unfortunate dreams. Meanwhile the team seems to be getting some of its previous energy back, but without Hinata, that can only last for so long. One more visit to the hospital, and hopefully some questions can be answered, but maybe they'll just be left with more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mention of Suicide, Suicide Note

Sugawara’s POV:

 

Sleep hadn't come easy with my current fears about Hinata's condition, so it comes as no surprise that I become irritated when an outside force shakes me roughly just as I was about to fall asleep. Groaning, I sit up and look at the face of Nishinoya, who wastes no time in shoving a bright light in my face. The light catches me off guard and hurts my eyes, so I push him away and rub my eyes to help them recover from the assault. It doesn’t take long before the offending piece of hardware is in front of me again, but with my eyes better adjusted I only have to squint in order to make out the phone Nishinoya is holding. I blink a few times to better look at the screen before finally giving in and reading the text that has so rudely disturbed my sleep. 

 

 _Nishinoya-kun, this is Takeda. I just got some unfortunate news about Hinata’s condition._ Those words are enough to stir me into action, and I scramble to pull my phone out of my pocket, where I see that I received a similar text. I silently jerk my head towards the door to signal Nishinoya, and we creep through our teammates’ sleeping bodies until we make our way out of the room and into the hall. I try to lead Nishinoya further away from the room before he can make too much noise—our team waking up is the last thing we need right now—but we’ve only taken a few steps when he begins freaking out. “Suga-san what do you think happened? Is Shouyou gonna be okay? Why didn’t Take-chan give us more information?” He shakes his head a few times before exclaiming, “Why am I bothering with all these questions, we need to get to the hospital.” I barely manage to grab his arm before he sprints away, and ignoring his protests, I drag him to another nearby room where we hopefully won’t be interrupted.

 

“Suga, why did you stop me? We need to go see if Shouyou’s alright!” I sigh, still not quite awake enough to deal with this level of energy, although I can’t exactly blame him for being worried. “Calm down for just a second Nishinoya. We have no way of getting to the hospital right now. It would be much better to call Sensei and see if he can tell us what went wrong.” Nishinoya simply replies with, “Oh. That makes sense.” and I grab my phone to call Takeda. I put the phone on speaker mode, and we wait impatiently for him to answer. One ring, then two, each one feeling hours apart from the previous, but in the middle of the fourth ring, he finally picks up. 

 

 _“Ah Sugawara-san, I presume you’re calling about my message.”_ I open my mouth to reply, but am beat to the punch by Nishinoya. “What happened with Shouyou?! Is he okay? Can we do anything?” If the situation weren’t so depressing, then Nishinoya’s barrage of questions might be somewhat entertaining, but my worry for our short friend is overpowering anything positives I can find.  _“Oh, is Nishinoya there as well? That saves me some time then. I’m sure I scared you both with my text a bit ago, but it seems that I overreacted. There was indeed a complication with the surgery, but luckily it was something small and it shouldn’t affect the overall success rate that much.”_ Nishinoya lets out a loud cheer while I breathe a sigh of relief, but Takeda isn’t done speaking. _“Don’t get too excited, there is still one issue with all of this.”_ My heart immediately drops again; it seems like we’ll never catch a break at this point.

 

 _“His surgery will likely go fine, but his other injuries are much more serious than we initially thought. Apparently he had multiple broken ribs and an already existing head injury he never told anyone about. Additionally, there are several cuts all over his body, and most of them never got cleaned properly, which led to them getting infected. That’s actually what caught the doctors off guard in the operating room.”_ Hearing about the infections isn’t as surprising as it should be, but looking back on it, his skin did seem slightly discolored. It’s not difficult to believe that the sheer number of them could cover up the infections, especially since Hinata is always so careful to cover up. _“Oh, the doctors are calling for me. I’ll let you two know what they say in the morning, for now you need to sleep. Try to not worry too much about Hinata, I’m here for him, and the doctors know what they’re doing.”_  

 

Takeda-sensei was obviously trying to comfort us in some way, but there’s a feeling of guilt gnawing away at me. I should’ve noticed what was happening sooner, then maybe I could’ve stopped him from hurting himself, and we wouldn’t be in such a horrible situation. Although as terrible as I feel, one look at Nishinoya’s completely devastated face shows me that he feels even worse, so I try my best to be a reliable senpai and help him out. “I’m sure he’ll be fine Nishinoya. The surgery will end with no major issues, and Hinata will be on the court again before you know it.”  Surprisingly, he doesn’t cry or let out any frustration, just a tired sigh and sad smile. “Yeah, you’re probably right Suga. Let’s just get some rest and figure this out in the morning.” 

 

I only now realize that no matter how hard I think I’ve been working to help Hinata, Nishinoya has been doing ten times as much as me. He was the first one to notice something was wrong, and I truly thought that Hinata was opening up to him—for a while at least. While we walk back to our room, we make some small talk, the kind of things we used to talk about before all of or attention was directed towards Hinata’s safety. Considering the situation, it feels a bit strange to talk about school or different plays we can try or what plans we have for the weekend, but I can’t ignore the part of me that feels a bit calmer during the conversation. It’s only been a little over a week since all of this began, but it feels like we’ve been dealing with this for a lifetime. It’s nice to have this quiet moment to breathe and let my worries fade to the back of my mind(but not completely dissipate, that would just be irresponsible.)

 

When we get back to our room, we both whisper a quiet goodnight to each other, and I take a second to make sure no one else is awake. With how tired I am, I only spare the time for a quick glance, and with a yawn I let my eyelids droop closed and climb into my bedroll. Strangely enough, my previous problem of worry blocking my sleep doesn’t return, and I am able to fall asleep with little difficulty. My dreams on the other hand are a chaotic mess, some higher power deciding that the best thing for me right now is to live out every possible way that Hinata’s hospital stay could end poorly. As a result, when I wake up in the morning, it is not bright eyed and bushy tailed as I normally am, but instead a grumpy mess of a man. When Daichi calls me out and I snap at him however, he claims that this is my normal morning attitude, which I do _not_ appreciate. What I do appreciate though, is how that small exchange seems to bring a bit of light back to our team, with some smiles and laughs flowing through the room.

 

Pitted against the dreary atmosphere of late is our usual cheery vibe, and I’m glad that we’re getting back a piece of our soul that was ripped away. This slight joy is still completely overshadowed by negativity right now though, but hopefully today we can get some answers from Hinata about why he did this to himself for so long. As far as I know, he never told anyone the true reason; except maybe Nishinoya, but at this point I don’t see why Nishinoya would hide that from us. I am left with little time to ponder because Coach Ukai comes in with an announcement. “Alright so I’m sure you guys are all worried about Hinata after what you heard last night. First of all I want you to know that his surgery went well, and there is no longer any reason to be scared for his life.” Upon hearing this, the entire team cheers, and I’m sure we woke up everyone within a twenty mile radius of the school; but I don’t care because Hinata’s alive. Even after Sensei told us last night that it was likely the surgery would be completed with no issues, I still had some doubts in the back of my mind. Hearing this is a huge relief, but after giving us a moment to celebrate, Coach delivers some less pleasant news.

 

“Hey! Quiet down all of you, that’s not all I have to say! It should come as no surprise to you that we plan on leaving the training camp early this time, and although I know you’ll be disappointed, Sensei and I feel that this is the best decision for the team. We’ve already spoken to your parents about it, so they won’t be surprised when you come back.” There are a few protests from the more obsessed members of the team, especially Kageyama, but ultimately it’s what Nishinoya says that affects us the most. “Everyone, wait. I think… that maybe we should actually stay. And I’m not just saying that because I like volleyball or anything! We came here to train and improve as a team; that means everyone, including Shouyou. Sure he’s in a really bad spot right now, but if I can say one thing with complete certainty, it’s that he loves volleyball more than anything in this world. I’m sure it hurts him to see us practice when he isn’t able, but I think that he would also want us to keep improving, and teach him everything we learned when he comes back. It’s probably selfish of me, but I also want to stay so that we can check on Shouyou every day after practice. Right now I think the best thing for him is to let him know we care, because people only do that kind of stuff if they think no one cares, right? So, shouldn’t we help him this way?” 

 

Nishinoya’s words are full of emotion and despite the lack of any real evidence to back them up, Coach Ukai concedes. “I guess I can talk it over with Sensei a little more, but that means I won’t be watching you at practice today. If I hear from Nekomata that any of you slack off then it’s an extra thirty laps when we get back home.” With that, he exits the room, leaving us to get ready for the day ahead. Thanks to Nishinoya, we now get to stay for at least today, and that means we’ll get the chance to talk with Hinata later tonight. I just hope they don’t have him locked up in some room where no visitors are allowed. Breakfast is a mess of questions and answers, most of the players from the other teams asking about where we all went last night. We manage to fend them off, although I’m not quite sure how they didn’t find out what happened in the first place. I suppose I’ll just have to chalk it up to good luck and leave it at that.

 

While actually playing throughout the day, our typical level of skill is not present, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone is in a better mood than last night, the news about Hinata’s safety taking a huge weight off everyone’s shoulders. In our first game against Nekoma though, Kuroo and Kenma convince their coach to switch them out for a bit, and come up to me to inquire about Hinata. “So how’d everything go last night with the shorty? He wasn’t in good shape when we left.” Somehow, from the other side of the gym and through the noise of a volleyball game, the captain from Fukurodani manages to hear the question and comes rushing over, with a very bored looking setter in tow. “Hey, hey, are you talking about the orange-haired kid? How’s he doing? Tsukki was actually worried about him you know.” The high energy and rapid fire questions remind me of last night with Nishinoya, and also of Hinata, the sudden realization of how similar our two shorties are hitting me like a truck. Before he can barrage me with any more words, his setter says, “Bokuto-san, you need to actually give him a chance to answer.” 

 

I chuckle a bit and say, “Oh don’t worry about it. One of my teammates did pretty much the same thing last night. As for Hinata, his surgery was successful, and we’re planning to visit him again later today.” The energetic one clearly has more questions, but his team calls for him to return—apparently he left in the middle of their game. He apologizes before running back to his team, and Kenma says, “Bokuto is always so loud. I am glad about Shouyou though. I wonder when he’ll be released.” I hadn’t thought about that before. From what I’ve heard, Hinata’s condition seems to be fairly serious, even if he is stable now. I hope he’ll be out in time to ride home with us, but it doesn’t seem likely when I take the time to think it through. Unfortunately, our time to talk is cut short by Nekomata subbing them back in, but I promise to let them know how Hinata’s holding up when we visit.

 

Nothing eventful happens during the rest of the day, and by the time dinner rolls around, all the hubbub surrounding our team has faded. We eat quickly, every one of us is anxious to go to the hospital and see Hinata. Once we are all safely seated, Ukai takes off on the familiar roads. It bothers me how quickly I’ve gotten used to this drive, despite this only being my third time. We’re all nervous to see Hinata, Nishinoya being the only one to get a glimpse of him last night—when he was in his worst condition. I don’t expect it to be a pretty sight, but then again, I’m not exactly sure what to expect at all. At the very least, the team’s chatter makes for a pleasant distraction from my thoughts, so I focus on them instead of worrying about what I can’t control.

 

Eventually, we arrive at the hospital, Takeda-sensei coming to greet us just as he did the past two times. Thankfully he is smiling this time, which I hope means he has positive news. “You guys made it! You’ll be happy to know that Hinata is recovering nicely, although they did have to move him into a safe room because of what happened. Normally he wouldn’t be allowed visitors, but I managed to win them over with my special skill of begging.” The team starts to show some excitement at this, but before we get too out of hand Takeda says, “Hold on just a minute you guys. I was only able to convince them if we agree to two conditions. The first is that either Ukai or I will have to be there with you.” To this Ukai replies, “I’ll go in, you’ve been standing watch the past few days. I’m sure you need a break.” Sensei nods and says, “The other condition is that only one of you can go in at a time. Considering how late it is, that means only two of you will probably be able to see him.” Only two of us? Once we hear that, most of the team begins arguing about who deserves to see him the most, but I think back to last night and the questions my letter raised. 

 

_Sugawara_

_Hey Suga-san, sorry yours is gonna be so short, but I’m running out of time before the doctors will wanna check on me, and I can’t let that happen no matter what. I’ll just really quickly apologize for a lot of stuff, so sorry if it doesn’t make much sense. Oh, I guess I started already. Sorry for lying to you about cutting, but don’t worry. Tonight’s the last time I’ll be doing it for sure. I’m also sorry for pushing you away when you wanted to help, but three people knowing was more than I ever wanted, so I couldn’t tell you my secret. Sorry for making you help me practice at lunch when I was trying to get on the team, your time would’ve been better spent studying for exams and college. The last thing I’m sorry for is all the lying I’ve done. Oh, and Masaru too. That’s all I can say for now, so as my last sorry… sorry if I forgot anything._

 

The letter was strange to say the least, especially when I compared it to some of the others’. Several of them had a much more serious and somber tone, Hinata taking the time to really think about what he wanted to say and how it made him feel. But as I read more of them, I realized that at some point he started making some jokes, and looked like he was having some fun reliving his favorite moments with us. Mine seemed like a strange combination between the two, like he wasn’t sure how to speak to me, but still needed to say important things. Disregarding the fact that he kept apologizing for things that weren’t his fault, even in the less serious letters he took the time to explain everything, so why not mine? Was he simply low on time as he claimed? Or was there something else he wanted to tell me, but couldn’t figure out how to say it? I can’t be certain that he has the answers, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to speak with him and ask him all the questions I have. 

 

As much as it pains me though, what he needs right now isn’t someone grilling him for answers he might not be ready to give. I thought that I would be able to come in and demand answers, but with this new information, I have to accept that the best thing for Hinata, isn’t necessarily the best thing for me. Besides, there are two others who need to see him more than I do, if only for their own peace of mind. “I think that Nishinoya and Kageyama should be the ones who get to go in.” Everyone stares at me for a moment, since I am the first one who tried to argue for someone other than themselves to visit. “Nishinoya was the one who wanted us all to stay here for Hinata’s sake, and I think that’s something he needs to hear about. Might as well let the guy behind the idea be the one to tell him. And as for Kageyama, he’s Hinata’s partner. Those two are an unstoppable duo on the court, and I think they have some strange connection unique to them.” The two look at me gratefully, and when no one can come up with any points to dispute me, Ukai smiles and says, “Alright, then I’ll take these two up to see Hinata now. Kageyama can go first, and Nishinoya will wait outside until they’re done. Is that alright with everyone?” 

 

As the three walk past, Kageyama stops and turns towards me, opening his mouth to speak, but furrowing his brow and closing it again. Eventually he says, “Thank you for, uh… well, just thanks.” I smile and nod at his awkwardness, and although I still desperately want to be the one going in that elevator to see my orange haired kouhai, the expressions they each wear as the elevator doors close fill me with confidence that I made the right choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no more excuses. I was supposed to work on this, I didn't, I'm sorry. Suga is important to the plot, but he's my least favorite to write for, so it usually ends up taking more to get me motivated. Well anyways, for those of you who were worried that Hinata would die, fear no more, as he is clearly alive.  
> Next chapter is one I'm actually super excited about writing, so the wait won't be nearly as long, once again sorry about that. Anyways, hope you come back for the next one!


	17. Effects of Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata wakes up in a nearly empty room, only to be visited by the doctor who saved his life. He initially wants nothing to do with this man, but when he offers something that Hinata desperately wants and needs, will he be able to stay mad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts

Hinata’s POV:

 

A blinding light completely encompasses my vision when I open my eyes, and I briefly wonder if the afterlife is supposed to be this bright. Unfortunately, as my eyes adjust and my surroundings become clearer, a sickening feeling gathers in the pit of my stomach. The room I am in looks much emptier than the one from before—the only inhabitants being myself and the simple futon I am currently laying on, as well as a few speakers and cameras well above my reach on the walls—but it is somewhat identical to the room I was in after hallucinating. Based on the small amount of information I can gather, it seems that I’m still in the hospital, which means I failed. I wasn’t able to finally leave this world. I feel incredibly frustrated, and tears well up at the corners of my eyes as I lament how unfair this is. Although it’s really my own fault; I shouldn’t have let myself feel any hope. If I had just continued to accept my lot in life, then I wouldn’t feel so awful right now. 

 

I sit in this room crying for a short while, although I have no way of telling how much time has actually passed. I’m still crying when I hear a knock on the door, and a friendly looking doctor comes inside. “Hello Hinata, my name is Yoshiri. I’m the one who’s been taking care of you during your stay. How are you feeling? Any pain?” I wipe my eyes and look at Yoshiri-san with disdain; it’s his fault that I’m still here. He sighs before walking closer and handing me a pill. “Now I had to jump through a lot of hurdles to bring this to you, and you’re only allowed to take it if I’m watching. This will help with any pain you’re still feeling from the surgery.” I hadn’t noticed before he mentioned it, but my arms hurt immensely. Looking down at them, I see stitches running from my wrist to about halfway down my forearm. I don’t remember cutting that much, but the pain I feel certainly lends credence to the fact that I did. Regardless, I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of doing what he wants, so I stubbornly turn my head away from him and say, “It doesn’t hurt.” My voice sounds tired, which makes sense considering how exhausted I am with every aspect of being alive. At this point, I don’t care if it’s right or wrong, or if I’ve earned the right to. I simply want to die. 

 

Upon hearing my words, he pulls his hand back, retracting his offer of the medicine that I probably should’ve accepted. He turns away, taking a few steps towards the door and says,  “Well I’m glad to hear that you’re not feeling bad. Quite unfortunate for your friends though.” I cock my head in confusion; how are my friends related to me feeling pain? He answers my question without me even needing to ask it when he says, “I have a reputation around here for taking extra care of my patients, and doing anything I need to in order to help them. The higher ups generally let me have complete freedom in the treatment of my patients, and I managed to convince them to allow your friends to see you as a way to help with your treatment. Although, I’m only willing to go through with it if you really want to let me help you, and you can prove your willingness by accepting this medicine.” This new information should change everything, and my gut reaction is to reach towards him and beg for the medicine, but something stops me. Do I really want to see them right now? After all, the last thing they heard from me was that I was dead, and now they’re supposed to just waltz on in like nothing happened? 

 

Yoshiri-san must sense my uncertainty, because he comes over to kneel beside me and says, “I’m sure you must be very confused right now, but the same is true for them as well. That little stunt you pulled terrified the lot of them, and this is their one chance to see you and make sure that you’re not hurt. I’m sure you have some things to say to them as well.” I mull over his words for a few more moments, but ultimately find no flaw with what he says. I reluctantly take the pill he offers, to which he says, “I’m quite glad you made this choice. Now it’s about time we get you something to eat. You’ve been here for a short while now, so I’m sure you must be hungry.” I’m already used to going days without food, so I don’t feel particularly hungry, but I get the feeling that’s not what he wants to hear. He brings in some simple food, just a small roll of bread and a sliced apple, as well as some water for me. I’m starting to get a bit suspicious of how nice he’s being, the only person who’s treated me nicely like this and actually meant it was Nishinoya, but even he wasn’t able to keep it up for long. If one of my closest friends can’t handle supporting me, how is this complete stranger going to manage? 

 

I swallow the pill using the water he gave me while wishing that medicine could take effect immediately so my arms wouldn’t hurt so much; then I pick up the bread and tear a small chunk off, eating slowly so as not to upset my smaller than average stomach—a mistake I made the first time I got meat buns with the team. Yoshiri-san stands nearby while I eat, and when I give him a confused look he says, “We’re not allowed to leave you unsupervised.” I finish off the bread after a few minutes, and although I should probably eat the apples, my stomach already feels too full. I hesitantly push the plate away, not wanting to seem ungrateful for his kindness, but unable to force anymore food down. He grabs the plate and says, “Well, I have other patients I need to attend to, so this is where I must take my leave. Your friends should be along shortly though. If I could offer one piece of advice; just be honest with them.” He exits the room, and I find myself wondering how he can afford to spend so much time on a single patient when he probably has several others to take care of. I still haven’t reached an answer when there is another knock on the door and a familiar voice comes through. “Hinata, I’m coming in.”

 

I have no time to prepare myself as Kageyama barges in, pushing aside the nurse standing by the door. The nurse quickly recovers and says, “I told you to wait until I could make sure he’s ready! If you continue this behavior, I’ll take you back. Is that clear?” He scowls at her, but she doesn’t back down, instead placing her hands on her hips defiantly. Kageyama breaks first, muttering an apology to the nurse, who smirks and then turns to me and says, “I’m sorry about him. I can make him leave if you want.” I shake my head, used to Kageyama’s attitude issues by now, and she says, “Alright. Well I can leave you two alone in here, but we do have cameras and microphones, so we’ll come in if you need us or anything looks suspicious.” With that final warning, she exits the room leaving the two of us awkwardly staring at each other. 

 

After a brief period of tense silence, he says, “The letter you wrote. Was it true what you said in there?” There is only one thing in the letter I wrote that he would ask about, so I reply, “Yes. I’m sorry for lying to you.” He glares at me for a moment, and I instinctively flinch in fear; his eyes in that moment remind me too much of my dad. When he speaks again, I’m surprised to hear what he says. “I’m not talking about that. Yeah I was furious at first, but I had a bit of time to think, and I came to realize that I knew all along you were faking it. I was just too stubborn to admit that to myself.” After hearing his confession, I get confused in regards to what else he could possibly be asking about. That was the only thing I revealed in his letter, unless he somehow ended up with Nishinoya’s. Panic sets in as I can only assume that’s what happened, and that Kageyama now knows the truth about what goes on at home. He was never supposed to know the truth; no one was ever supposed to know the truth. The only reason I even told Nishinoya was because I was supposed to be dead by now, and I owed him that much at least. Kageyama is clearly shocked by my breakdown, the only time he’s seen me like this was my panic attack a week ago, but this isn’t quite the same. 

 

In between sobs I manage to say, “I-I’m so sorry. I j-just did-didn’t want you guys to get invo-volved in my home l-life.” He does his best to calm me down, but at the moment I am inconsolable. Within a minute or two the nurse comes back and starts asking Kageyama for more details about what happened, and thankfully he doesn’t tell her about what he read. If anyone else finds out then I… well I’m not quite sure what I’d do. I never even expected one person to find out, but now it seems like everyone knows. I never told Suga, and apparently Nishinoya didn’t get his own letter, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve both managed to figure it all out on their own. If they really have all figured it out, then that would make four whole people who know, and the more people who know, the more that information will spread. The only thing I can do now is try to calm down and make sure Kageyama keeps it a secret, but first I have to get rid of the nurse. 

 

It takes some time, but eventually I manage to stop crying and regain enough composure to speak normally. Once she has confirmed that I’ve calmed down, she turns to Kageyama and says, “I’m sorry but he clearly isn’t in any position to speak anymore. I’m going to have to ask you and the other one to leave.” This is the opposite of what I want, so I quickly stop her and say, “No!” They both give a surprised look at my outburst, so I reign myself in a bit before continuing. “I mean, there’s still some things I’d like to talk about. I’ll be able to stay calm this time, so please don’t make them leave.” She puts a hand to her head, and sighs, clearly frustrated by this situation. “Alright I can give you one more chance. You’re lucky that Yoshiri-san thinks this is good for your treatment.” I thank her before she leaves again, and breathe a sigh of relief that we are alone again. 

 

Knowing that the microphones can still pick up our voices at a normal volume, I motion for Kageyama to come closer so we can whisper to each other. “Kageyama you have to keep what you read a secret. No one else is allowed to know. And did you at least give the letter to Nishinoya after you read it?” As soon as the words leave my mouth, I am confused about how desperate I sound for Nishinoya to read what I wrote for him. Since I failed, it would be better for everyone to just forget that ever happened, and that will be much easier if he doesn’t know about my abuse. I’m not the only one confused either, as Kageyama says, “Why would I show him? You wrote that for me.” Before I can explain, we are interrupted by a voice coming over a speaker. “I’m coming in to get you now. We still need to let your other friend have some time, and visiting hours are ending soon.” Frustrated and knowing that I only have a minute or so to explain the situation, I quickly say, “No Kageyama, that letter was meant for Noya. I didn’t want anyone else to know about it, but since you read his letter you found out.” That’s all I’m able to get out before the door opens again, and Kageyama is escorted out, but before he leaves he says, “What are you talking about? I read the letter addressed to me, and I’m mad about all the negative stuff you said about yourself. What don’t you want us to know?” Luckily for me, the nurse forces him out before he can say anything else—although he fights her the whole way—and I am struck with the horrific realization that I’ve just made a huge mistake by letting Kageyama know I’m hiding something.

 

The door closes, but all it does is slightly muffle the shouts of Kageyama, now angry with me for not properly explaining things. Once the noise dies down, I begin panicking about what just happened. Kageyama just might be the worst possible person to figure out that I’m hiding something; he won’t give up until he figures out what it is. It’s frustrating, but there’s nothing I can do about that right now, so I instead focus my attention on who the next person might be. I was told that there were two people visiting me, and I’m determined to make sure that the next one goes better than the first. When the knocking returns and the nurse pokes her head through the door again to make sure I’m ready for the next visitor, who is waiting patiently unlike Kageyama. When I confirm that I am alright, she stands aside and Nishinoya walks into the room.

 

The nurse leaves us with the same warning she gave when Kageyama was in here, and then exits the room. I don’t pay much attention to her, too concerned with the new guest and how horribly this conversation is likely to go. Of all the people that could show up here, Nishinoya is the only one I don’t want to talk to. I’m still a bit hurt that he turned away from me when I needed him, but he also knows my biggest secret, and there’s no way he’ll forgive me for hiding this from him. My expectations are shattered though, when the first words out of his mouth are “I’m so sorry Shouyou.” I am so shocked by this that I have no idea how to respond; after all, he has nothing to be sorry for. He continues “It’s my fault you’re in here. I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. And your letter… I should’ve seen what was going on a long time ago. The signs were all there, I was just too scared that you would pull away if I tried to pry too much. I know that’s not an excuse, but please forgive me.” He bows low, and his sincerity hits me in the gut as a sharp wave of guilt washes over me. I can’t believe I made Nishinoya think any of this is his fault; I’m a terrible friend. 

 

I place a hand on his shoulder, and he looks up at me while I respond to him. “There’s nothing you need to be sorry for. Everything is my fault, from the very beginning it was my fault. Even making you think you needed to care about me.” The fist against my face stuns me into silence, and the raging libero in front of me opens his mouth to yell when a voice comes over the speakers. “What do you think you’re doing? You are not to lay a hand on our patient again, is that clear? I’m giving you one more chance to show you deserve to be in there, but you’re on thin ice.” After a quick apology in the direction of a camera, Nishinoya turns his attention back to me, still just as furious as before. “I can’t believe you’re still spouting that kind of nonsense Shouyou! I care about you because you’re my friend, not because you tricked me into it! Why is it so hard for you to get that through your head?”

 

I rub my face where he punched me, a dull pain spreading over the area where his small fist connected. I’ve felt worse pain, so it’s not that bad; however, I’m still too surprised by his actions to properly respond. That doesn’t stop me from trying, and I being speaking. “You… you hit me? Are you mad? Or am I just fun to hit? You really hit me...” I trail off at the end, and compare this feeling to all the times I’ve been attacked by my dad and Masaru. Nishinoya seems confused for a moment, but as realization dawns on his face, he apologizes again. “Oh my god Shouyou, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have hit you like that. You don’t deserve to be hurt by anyone, and I’m going to make sure that no one can hurt you again.” This time, his words anger me, because they are so similar to the ones I heard around a year ago when my other friends found out my secret. “What makes you think that you have a choice? I’m the only one who is allowed to decide how to handle my situation, so don’t you dare give me those empty promises!” 

 

Nishinoya is clearly startled by my outburst; he probably expected me to be grateful for his protection. “Shouyou I just want to help you.” He speaks softly, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard him so quiet before. Despite that, I continue yelling at him. “You’re lying! You think I haven’t heard these words before? Izumi and Koji were just like you but they didn’t do anything! This is my punishment to deal with so just stay out of it!” He reaches an arm towards me but I step back, glaring at him with such ferocity that he is forced to relent. At this point, I just want Nishinoya to leave me alone, so I turn towards the nearest camera and say, “Excuse me nurse? We’re done talking now, so can you please come get him?” Nishinoya isn’t ready to end this conversation, and quickly tries to tell the nurse that we need more time, but she sides with me—unsurprising since I’m the patient here. In the minute it takes for her to arrive, he tries to speak to me, begging and pleading with me to give him more time. In response, I stubbornly close my eyes and cover my ears, not wanting to hear any more lies his evil mind might come up with. I trusted him at one point, but he betrayed me, and I don’t like making the same mistake twice. After a bit of time, I open one eye slightly to see if he’s gone. To my relief, I see the nurse escorting him out of the room, and as I pull my hands off my ears there is a slight click when the door closes.

 

Now that I finally have some time alone, I decide to lay on the futon. Not to sleep or get any rest, but simply because it seems like the most peaceful spot in here. Peace is what I want right now, although I’m having trouble achieving it after the two awful conversations that took place. My goal has always been to keep my home life a secret, but more and more people keep finding out about it. I expect Kageyama is probably going to tell the whole team that I have some kind of secret related to my suicide attempt, which means even more people will find out. Then there’s Nishinoya, who just had to stick his nose into my business. I never should’ve allowed him to get so close, and now I’m suffering because of it. In just over a week he made me feel hope, and then tore that feeling away from me at the time I needed him most. What’s even worse though, is that he’s trying to do the same thing again, but I won’t fall for it this time.

 

I should’ve known from the start that the only person I can trust is myself, although lately I’ve been feeling even lonelier than usual. I find myself thinking that it was nice to have someone to talk to, and can’t help the small smile that appears when I remember all the times Nishinoya helped me. As soon as I realize what I’m doing, I shake my head in an effort to stop that train of thought. I can’t let myself fall into that trap again; the pain is so much worse than anything my dad can do.

 

After a while of sitting around with my thoughts, I yawn deeply, the events from earlier clearly having taken a lot of my energy. I have no way of telling time in this room, but it’s not too unreasonable to think that it’s night. I suppose it doesn’t really matter though; the only things I can do here are get lost in my thoughts and sleep. I roll onto my side and sigh from boredom, but I understand why they’re keeping me here. Everyone thinks that people like me—people who try to kill themselves— are crazy, so they lock us away where they can keep an eye on us. I know why they do it, but it’s not fair. It’s my life, I should be allowed to decide whether I want it or not, but because of stupid bad luck it’s going to be impossible for me to die. It was supposed to be the moment that I could finally free myself of the hell I have to go through every day, but in such an important moment I failed not only myself, but everyone whose life is made harder because I’m around. Nishinoya said that he cares because I’m his friend, but my constant need for help must’ve been a burden on him. Not to mention the fact that I’m easily the worst member of the team; without Kageyama I’d be completely useless. There’s no reason for my existence, so why am I forced to keep living when I’m finally willing to let everything go?

 

I return to laying on my back, and bring my forearms up to shield my eyes from the bright lights shining overhead. From this position I can see my stitches once more, slight pain coursing through my arms at the movement and my arms rubbing against each other. Looking at them I reason that it’ll be a while longer before I can use my arms for anything, which means no volleyball. At the time it didn’t matter to me, after all, I didn’t expect to still be here now. Now that I’m forced to stick around though, it’s going to suck not being able to do the one thing in this world I enjoy. With a sigh I realize the fruitlessness of this train of thought now that Nishinoya knows everything. The best case scenario would be if everyone just forgets this ever happened, but there’s no way that they’ll let this go so easily. I’m probably going to have to do the same thing as when Izumi and Koji found out, so I’ll never see my teammates again. This realization makes me a bit sad, but if I want to have any hope of keeping my secret then I have no choice. I’ll have to plan a lot more carefully this time around, but for now I allow sleep to claim me, painful dreams of being abandoned by my teammates tormenting me all night long. It’s definitely going to be harder to say goodbye to all of them than it was to Izumi and Koji, but I have no choice. Once I’m released I can start planning, and then I just have to say goodbye to everyone once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooooo this is a bit late. I got distracted with Pokemon and then Christmas and then I got sick and really it was just a string of bad luck and laziness. But I'm finally done and ready to get back on track with this story. 
> 
> This chapter is quite possibly the one I rewrote the most, since the direction I was taking it in at first didn't really fit with the rest of the story. There is also some inaccuracy about how this situation would be treated by a hospital, but meh. I will change things as I please for the sake of storytelling. 
> 
> Sorry again for the huge wait, but I'm already working on the next chapter, so hopefully it comes out much sooner. I also might write another one shot soon just to help get me back in the flow of writing. We'll see.
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, and see ya next time.


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